Part I
Maybe the Four Walls Understand Better than He
Does?
We all are familiar with the type of child that "just does
not listen." Although we explain what we meant so lucidly, so
many times, he remains the same. Nothing penetrates! We do
not even try to force him; we only clarify what we mean,
repeatedly — but alas, without any headway. It
sometimes seems that to review our expectations with him a
hundred times helps as much as the first time. Once is not
enough for that child, but then, neither is a hundred times
sufficient.
Lack of Readiness to Listen
This feeling of despair is in itself a way of taking a stand.
What is more, it involves a double mistake. First, we
ourselves do not in reality apply what we have heard dozens
or even hundreds of times during our lives. For instance, we
all know that talking rechilus and loshon hora
is not only a severe sin, but also morally repulsive. The
harmful nature of these sins is known to us all; we have
heard about it maybe hundreds of times.
Can we possibly say that our listening has effected the
expected, desirable results? Are we still speaking loshon
hora or not? Did we ever suppose that those who preached
mussar to us were speaking to the walls?
Certainly not. We heard what they told us; we definitely
absorbed what they said. However, in moments of weakness we
cannot overcome our evil instincts. It is easier for us to
act as we are accustomed to do.
Then again, even when one is aware of some specific matter,
the slightest personal interest is liable to cause him to
forget all about it. Knowing about things will not watch over
us at times of temptation.
A classic example can be found in the halochos of
tumas Hamikdosh. A person who, when tomei,
unintentionally entered the Beis Hamikdosh, not
calling to mind the fact that he was tomei, is
obligated to bring a korbon oleh veyoreid. However,
unlike other sacrifices brought for unintended sins, "he does
not bring a korbon oleh veyoreid unless he was
initially aware of his tumah, and initially aware that
it was kodshim [that he ate] or that it was the
Beis Hamikdosh [which he entered], and only later
forgot. In addition, he must realize afterwards [i.e. after
doing the sin] that he had been tomei and that it was
kodshim [that he ate] or it was the Beis
Hamikdosh [that he entered], although in the interim he
was unaware [of these things]" (Rambam, Hilchos
Shegogos 11:1). A person is not culpable for
unintentionally entering the Beis Hamikdosh while
tomei unless he previously knew all the
halochos of when he is prohibited to enter the Beis
Hamikdosh or eat kodshim.
This person learned these halochos when he was even a
child (which is called yedias beis rabbo, "knowledge
gained in cheder"). He learned that someone who
touches tumah becomes tomei. He also learned
that someone who is tomei is forbidden to enter the
Beis Hamikdosh. In addition, he also was aware that he
had touched a sheretz that is tomei. If so,
when he later enters the Beis Hamikdosh why is he
considered to have sinned only unintentionally?
"He did not stop to reflect, so as to pay attention to the
fact that he became tomei when he touched the
tumah" (Rashi, Shavuos 5a, s.v. yedias,
q.v. Tosafos, ibid., 14a, s.v. Oh). How could he not
understand that he had become tomei? He knew that he
had touched the tumah, and he knew that by touching
tumah one becomes tomei. He did not lack any
knowledge whatsoever.
The Mirrer Rosh Yeshiva, HaRav Chaim Shmuelevitz (Sichos
Mussar, 5731, chap. 27) explains that "unless he pays
attention, the knowledge that he has touched a sheretz
is altogether irrelevant to him, and he will enter the
Beis Hamikdosh as if he had never become tomei.
Although it is true that he knows he touched a
sheretz, and he knows that someone who touches a
sheretz becomes tomei, he thinks that he
himself is tohor, because `he did not pause to
reflect, so as to pay attention.'"
Although this man knew everything needful, and although what
happened should have been extremely relevant to him, this
knowledge did not make any impression on him. It was all just
external bits of information. His desire to enter the Beis
Hamikdosh made him forget the information he had
collected, which would have been easily evaluated if only it
had been remembered. It was more convenient for him to
forget, and therefore he indeed forgot.
*
One must remember that a child's power of absorbing
information works in just the same manner. He also hears,
grasps what was said, and pays attention. However, he also
comes upon a moment of weakness which he is incapable of
overcoming. For the child as for the grown man, it is more
convenient to act at a certain moment in a certain way. He
"forgets" what he heard yesterday and in the past.
This is the first point. A person must "First adorn himself,
and others later" (Bovo Metzia 107b). A person should
not be blind to his own faults.
*
There is an additional mistake involved in thinking that a
child will never listen to us. The argument itself is
grounded in an error: we are not talking to the wall. Even if
we do not receive an immediate reaction from the child, that
does not mean he has not absorbed what we have said to him.
It was absorbed without a doubt, but the practical influence
will materialize only later.
R' Mendeleh of Kotsk explained the expression in Krias
Shema "on your heart" noting that the Torah does not
write, "And these things which I command you today shall be
within your heart" but rather "on your heart."
There are, said the Rebbe, conditions when a person's heart
is blocked; it seems as if he is not prepared to absorb or
accept anything told to him. About those people, the Torah
writes that the divrei Torah veyirah that they hear
will not be lost. They will remain on such a person's heart,
and when the time arrives, when something happens and the
heart opens up, then this knowledge will fall "into it."
It is necessary to repeat again and again to a child: "Do
thus-and-such" or, "Refrain from doing so-and-so." This is
chinuch. The word chinuch in Hebrew means
making someone get into the habit of doing something. A
chanukas habayis is the beginning of preparing the
house for its future tasks. Chinuch to do mitzvos
means letting the child get accustomed to doing mitzvos.
Likewise, chinuch to values, to middos, and to
other virtues means getting in the habit of doing them.
One must remember that chinuch is not the same as
training. Chinuch is not only an answer to the
question "what" he should do, but also deals with the
question "why" he should do it. We must constantly explain to
the child that he should do so and so because . . . or
he should not do so and so because . . .
The constant repetition of commands should include not only
the answer to the question "what" but also an explanation to
the question "why." A child should be taught not only what is
forbidden or permitted, but also the reasons and logic behind
these things. Of course, these explanations should be given
to every child according to his age, his comprehension, and
his ability to absorb information. Each child has to be given
the explanation that will satisfy his particular level of
understanding. In this way he will listen to what is taught
him; he will agree, and the lesson will penetrate deep into
him. A request whose reasoning is explained to him a hundred
or two hundred times will permeate his entire being.
Reviewing As a Long-Range Investment
Inside of everyone lies a wealth of impressions, experiences,
conversations, and admonitions that were only lately actively
absorbed by him. I will mention here one personal example. I
once had a prominent teacher who taught me the true ways of
life. He was a mussar giant and I received from him
the majority of my knowledge in mussar and
middos: the tzaddik HaRav Eliyahu Lopian
zt'l.
We learned much in his beis medrash; not everything
was immediately understood — not even after spending
years within the yeshiva. Only after many years had passed
did what we had learned take on its proper form; we began to
understand.
He would present a shmuess in mussar to every
shiur in the yeshiva every week — what is called
a vaad in the language of the yeshivos. A vaad
is a hisvaadus (meeting) of the rov, our guide and
mentor, with the yeshiva students. Every shiur had a
notebook in which were written the kabbolos it had
accepted on itself. Each week, at the beginning of the
vaad, after observing who was present and who was
missing, the Rov would sit down in his chair and read over
the list of kabbolos. This act of reading the
kabbolos was the standard opening ceremony that
started each vaad. After reading each kabboloh
the rav would explain its contents and significance.
We heard these vaadim every week for years. There were
always the same kabbolos, the same explanations, the
same reviews.
I did not understand then why the ceremony was needed. Even
if we had been awakened in the middle of the night we would
have been able to recite those kabbolos backwards and
forwards, with the same tune that the Mashgiach had
used and with his explanations. We wondered why this constant
review was necessary. There were those who were simply
amazed; there were those who criticized the conservative
opening of the vaadim, and there were even those who
disregarded the kabbolos.
Today I understand what the perpetual review of the
kabbolos did for us. What was said to us was repeated
so many times that whether or not we wanted it, his words
eventually penetrated into us and became part of our essence.
Even today I am not capable of transgressing those
kabbolos.
There was a kabboloh on the list not to read
newspapers on Shabbos. Not only am I now unable to read a
newspaper on Shabbos, I cannot even touch one. We heard this
from the Mashgiach hundreds of times. Back then maybe I
agreed, or maybe I refused, to accept it — but today I
am incapable of going against it.
When bringing proofs of the power of review we not need limit
ourselves to citing the beis medrash of R' Eliyahu
Lopian zt'l; each person can find a suitable example
from his immediate environment.
Let us take, for example, something that happens in our
mother's kitchen. Our mother trained us to eat using knife,
fork, and spoon. At the time we did not always agree; some of
us even rebelled. Mother, however, never stopped pointing it
out to us, speaking to us and explaining how un-educational
it is to eat without utensils. One speech followed another
until the habit turned into an integral part of us.
Likewise, when we tell a child endless times to do or refrain
from doing a certain act, his speed of absorption works just
like ours. It seems to us that the child is not listening,
but eventually our words bear fruit.
Furthermore, a child's not immediately obeying even has a
beneficial aspect. When the father discerns that the child
has not accepted what he has told him, he repeats his demand
again and again. The father's repeated requests bring about a
situation that, typically, transforms his demand to a norm
that will be carved into the child's nature.
HaRav Nachum Diamant is menahel ruchani of Yeshivas
Nesivos Olam - Bnei Brak.
End of Part I
