Question:
"From my experience with shadchonim, I noticed that
they distort information at their convenience. How can they
do that if falsehood is so despised by all of us?
Michal*
Answer:
Dear Michal,
Distance from Falsehood
Your question is the number one complaint I hear about
shadchonim. Because of the nature of our work, so much
personal data is given that reliability and trust are
indispensable. Good intentions are not enough. We are talking
about two people (and their families as well) with feelings
and their future at stake. To me, just like with everything
in life, dealing with G-d-fearing professionals is a
priority.
We all recognize that the authentic facts ultimately come
out. Regrettably, there is a tendency (or even trend) to
assume that twisting some details is okay. For after all, if
they are only side points, who would really mind? However,
white lies, said the Kotzker Rebbe, are even more dangerous!
They are taken less seriously and can be easily slipped in
like a carving knife.
What is Truth? Truth is a strong, all-encompassing
expression. An absolute by definition can only be G-d's will -
- what Hashem wants us to do, what is expected from us. Since
not everything is white or black, how are we supposed to
figure out the gray areas? We must always bear in mind that
the Torah establishes guidelines for honesty and deception,
and we must not base our assessment of what is right on our
own perception of a situation. Since loshon hora is
prohibited, an accurate statement is considered false even if
it is inoffensive.
Even regarding negative material conveyed for a constructive
purpose, one may only listen to it in order to guard oneself
from potential harm. In all cases, it is forbidden to accept
what one is being told as the total reality.
Just because we perceive something as accurate, it does not
mean that it is not false. Since only the Almighty is "well
enough informed" to judge a situation in its entirety, it is
impossible for anyone to see every element involved in any
incident. Therefore, no human being can ever be privy to the
whole picture.
Guidelines for Honesty Even in sensitive areas like
speech, there are rules. Therefore, in representing oneself
(regarding age, background, personality, health, religious
education, etc.), before you or any matchmaker can say one
word of lie or "bending of truth," you must address your
shailos (Torah law questions) to a known and expert
Orthodox rabbi who has experience and who will tell you
authoritatively and individually, on a case by case basis, in
detail, what to say and what not to say. No single person nor
any matchmaker may ever take any liberties at all to violate
the prohibition of lying, in the least.
For instance, if the matchmaker is aware of details that may
harm the marriage, she must consult a halachic authority
before disclosing it. If she acts according to his ruling,
she is being truthful; to do otherwise is misleading. There
are no generalizations — no two cases are identical.
Since I regularly consult a Rov, there were instances
that I thought I knew what he would reply; nevertheless, time
and again I was surprised and impressed by his
recommendations. Only a wise Talmid Chacham can
determine the proper course of action in each situation.
Because of his Torah comprehension and insight on human
nature, he will be able to ask you pertinent questions in
order to advice you on how to proceed. It's difficult for us
to fathom the awesome responsibility they shoulder with daily
life and death situations — it goes without saying that
they are blessed with Heavenly assistance!
A few years ago, I got a psak to hold back on
disclosing negative information about Aaron. I wasn't even
sure if Aliza would want to meet him, for other reasons. If,
for a different consideration, she would decline the
shidduch, the sensitive matter wouldn't have to be
mentioned at all. Unexpectedly, Aliza told me to set up a
first date. Since she agreed with the general background,
which I initially thought she would reject, the Rabbi I was
in contact finally told me to reveal what I knew. She was
very hurt that I waited so long. Aliza thought that the
correct way to go about it was for me to have initially
mentioned the negative points. She argued on the authority of
that Rabbi I consulted. Unfortunately, I lost her trust. But
I realize that accepting the words of our sages, even when is
difficult to do so, is not a choice. I have been surprised at
how many people think they know better than Daas
Torah!
Exaggerating We live in a generation that needs
praising. Someone doesn't have to be an outstanding Rabbi to
be called HaRav Hagaon. Unfortunately, unless there is
a description of a great, fantastic, etc. bochur,
people might think he is way below average. We can definitely
say that everyone is special in his own way. Note the
difference between the previous and the following statement:
he is familiar with all Shas; he will surely be the
next Gadol Hador; he learns 20 hours a day, etc. To
compliment with a superlative is an exaggeration that can
embellish reality, but it's far from causing harm. Misleading
is making A believe that she is dating B, but in fact the
person she meets is C.
The Gemorah itself teaches that we may make flattering
remarks about the beauty of a bride even if no one has asked
our opinion. One might think that it is better simply to keep
silent if one does not see the bride's beauty. However, our
Sages established that in such a case, one should only say,
"The bride is charming and beautiful," because there is an
element of veracity to it. Every bride is attractive in the
eyes of her husband, for if this were not the case, he would
not be marrying her.
Seen from a different angle, there can be no harmful
consequences in saying that she is good-looking, and
furthermore, this is an accepted figure of speech. For these
reasons, a bride is to be praised for her beauty and charm
even if one personally does not consider her beautiful.
Actually, you might consider a drawback as serious, but the
other side might not even ask about it! A friend told me that
she was worried for her brother's shidduchim because
he was balding young. During sheva brachos, the groom
took off the hat and a sibling joked about the balding. It
didn't seem to bother Atara, the bride. She hardly paid
attention to the comment and in passing, said that she hadn't
even noticed it. My friend concluded that she was sure then
that Atara was her brother's zivug, as the right one
downplays what would have bothered others!
Though Lying, She Takes Money
There is a famous remark that the initials for the word
SHaDCHaN stand for sheker diber kesef notel,
although [the shadchan] lies, [s/he] takes money. What
does it mean? Is it just a denigrating way to refer to the
matchmaker or is there a way to understand it in a positive
light?
The match between the man and the women is from Heaven, and
forty days before the creation of the embryo, it was already
determined that daughter X of Y would marry Z. Why does the
matchmaker demand payment for something s/he did if
ultimately it was so decreed to happen anyway?
The answer is that she needs to be paid for embellishing
reality (see previous subtitle called Exaggerating). That's
not from Heaven. But in order to get the intended match to
materialize, she often needs to accent the positive.
People tend to blow up difficulties and get sidetracked by
something that is not necessarily a blemish which justifies
declining a potentially good offer. Focusing on qualities is
anyway beneficial, constituting an ayin tova, good
eye. Sometimes imperfections can be regarded in a different
light with a bit of thinking and putting things into
perspective.
Obviously, the allowances for enhancing virtues don't justify
the matchmaker to go to the other extreme and irresponsibly
damage with lies! For that there is no excuse. The following
words from a marriage counselor strongly reinforce my point:
"If a divorce is attributed to the absence of integrity on
the part of the shadchan, it is a blight on that
shadchan who should be ousted from the profession;
like an accountant who keeps getting tax clients jailed by
the I.R.S., an engineer whose bridges keep falling into the
river, a surgeon who maims more patients than he heals or a
plumber who keeps flooding his customers' homes."
Shadchan Breaks Copper Doors
Another interpretation is that the initials of
shadchan imply "ki shiber dalasos nechoshes"
— breaking copper doors. Many times, the sides hesitate
as if building walls of iron and copper that prevent the
shidduch from coming to fruition. But with Divine
assistance, the intermediary takes the matter in hand and is
successful in breaking the barriers and making the match work
out. Again, it doesn't imply lying and manipulating
forcefully. But with tact, encouragement, and patience, the
go-between can be instrumental in bringing two strangers
together.
Spiritual and Financial Blockages In a spiritual
realm, there are also great obstructions that need to be
broken. Those accusing forces are appeased by the distortions
brought down in this world. The Sages taught us that blessing
comes in a hidden way. Often there are innumerous obstacles
in a major accomplishment. Rarely do shidduchim work
out smoothly from the beginning until the engagement. There
are usually elements of doubt and issues that need
clarification, until the plate is broken in an explosion of
joy.
The Chazon Ish mentioned what could happen then. It is not
unheard of the happy couple and mechutanim suddenly
pushing aside all the pains and complications that they had
before the mazel tov. In the midst of the celebration,
they overlook the hours spent on the phone on their behalf,
juggling sides and handling at length the various concerns
that came up at different stages of the shidduch.
Besides failing to keep in mind all that she did for them,
the lack of appreciation also leads them to forget to pay
her! As if after all, what is she claiming to have done? All
of a sudden, they don't understand why she needs to be
remunerated; they look at her as an annoyance, and behave as
if they don't understand what she wants from them!
Consequently, another interpretation occurs to me regarding
sheker diber kesef notel, lying and taking money. It
can also be interpreted as if she is accused of deceit not in
terms of the actual dating period, but of exaggerating all
that she did for them in order to demand payment.
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success in
helping people through shiduchem. Please note that all names
have been changed unless otherwise specified, with the
exception of well-known public figures like Gedolim
and educators. Any comments, questions and stories can be
sent to: travisdn@013.net or at (02) 656-3111
