Question: "I'm considered an older girl. All my classmates
are married. I've been dating for many years . . . They
often criticize me for being too picky and are very
disappointed when for one reason or another their suggestions
don't work out. I feel criticized, put down, judged . . .
"
Answer:
Can I truly empathize with the pain of others? Can I really
put myself in the place of someone who has gone through the
high expectations and emotional involvement of years on end
in shidduchim?
You might think: "It's easy for you to write such an article.
You're married." But as every single person in this world, I
also have my trials. My goal in this article is certainly not
to judge anyone or tell them what to do. I'm writing as a
shadchan who tries to feel for others, with others.
I remember Craindel*, a sweet girl from a respected familiy,
who was in shidduchim for many many years. She was
always very appreciative of people who kept her in mind. The
years were passing and if she didn't try almost every
segula around, believe me, she tried all the ones she
knew of. Going to the Kosel for 40 days, saying Shir Hashirim
for 40 days, prayers from Chazal, gaonim, rishonim and
acharonim . . . And she took shidduchim
seriously. She really tried . . . She prayed with
kavana, asked for advice on dating and inquiries, was
realistic about what to look for, etc. Her relatives and
married friends begged me and others to help find her
mate.
One day, I suggested that she meet Igal*. Craindel was
willing to meet him, even though she had certain
hesitations.
From the beginning, Igal saw potential in the relationship,
but Craindel had many doubts. In time, she started getting
emotionally involved and excited about the relationship and
eventually both expressed to me that they were ready to get
engaged. Right before proposing, Igal said that his family
wanted to meet Craindel. His mother imagined her only son
married to a girl, who, in her opinion, would be prettier and
she advised (insisted) that he break it off.
That phone call was very hard for me. I wouldn't say what
caused Igal's sudden change of heart, but the message had to
be given and as a shadchan I had to be the one to do
so. Craindel's reaction was immediate and strong —
after a second of silence I heard sobs from the other side of
the line. By then, my eyes were also tearful . . .
Baruch Hashem, not long after, Igal met his bashert in
a trip abroad. And a few months later, Craindel got engaged
and was extremely happy. She admitted that she had never met
anyone like her chosson. They came from different
cultures but they shared, at the same time, a very deep
communication, common values, respect and admiration for each
other.
Craindel's experience taught me many lessons. I have seen it
over and over in my life and in the life of my dear ones. As
it says in Mishlei — "Many are the thoughts in
people's heart, but Hashem's plan prevails." We might think
— "It seems so clear that relationship would work out;
I put so much effort into it, both have so much in common."
We are not prophetic. All we can do is try our best and
pray.
We might also wonder what could possibly be going on with the
other person . . . How could he say no — she is so
special. What is he waiting for? Is he realistic? Is he
looking for someone perfect who doesn't even exist?
People like to give advice to shadchanim and even to
blame them for whatever goes wrong: maybe you can push the
match? Maybe you said too much (or too little)? How could I
possibly decide what's best for someone or "push" someone
into marriage when she has serious doubts? As far as what to
say and what not to say, the matchmakers whom I know who are
yirei Shamaim, constantly ask shailas and are
very careful about the laws of shemiras haloshon and
not causing onaas dvarim!
Unfortunately, after getting a negative answer often, one
might think: "What's wrong with me? Why am I not married?
Doesn't anyone want me?" That's not fair! Negativity is
counter-productive. None of us is all great or all terrible.
We all have middos that need work. We all have
beautiful character traits and a lot to offer in a
relationship.
I do recommend seeking blessings and advice of wise teachers
and rebbeim. Family are pillars of strength and support, but
they are so much with us through "thick and thin" that they
can't always be fully objective. In Mesilas Yesharim
it's written that this world is compared to a maze. We
are in it and can't always see how to get safely to the other
side. We try with trial and error. But one who is wiser, who
has gone through it and has also helped others to come out,
can see the view from above. He can see the quicker and
better paths. The greater the person we turn to, the more
Heavenly assistance Hashem gives him to help others.
We can often feel alone and not understood. Especially when
we previously opened up and were judged, criticized,
misunderstood. The more people I meet, the more I am amazed
at how great our human resources are. We have innumerous wise
people who, despite their busy schedules, deeply care and
make time to help others.
Once a teacher told a friend of mine that now that she knows
the problem was solved, she can have a better night of sleep.
My friend was astonished. Her personal quandary wasn't a life
or death situation, yet that woman, whom many turn to and who
has, herself, a large family had her sleep disturbed because
she cared so much for one of her many students!
Often those great wise people are humble and not even well
known. Many of them don't hold a position in chinuch,
but have tremendous life experience.
To just say it's a kapora or it's decreed from Heaven
can be very painful for someone who is suffering. Sometimes a
smile or a kind word is what they need. Sometimes they need
their own space within which to cope and heal. But a prayer
on their behalf is always helpful.
It's very important to have hope. Yes, there is light at the
end of the tunnel. Hashem hasn't forgotten us! A difficult
trial can seem almost impossible to overcome. But in order to
be successful, we have to try to get up and keep going, no
matter what. We were put into this world, wrote Rav Chaim
Luzzato in Mesilas Yesharim, among other purposes, to
overcome our trials Nobody can say that things are easy and
rosy all the time . . .
Even if you're far from feeling "This, too, is for the best" -
- pretend. During a painful period, it's hard to think
rationally that from everything there is a lesson to be
learned, that every challenge is a growing experience. But
it's important to try anyway. Even when we don't see much
hope, at least we should pretend to do so. Often we don't
feel like giving, foregoing, smiling, etc. Nevertheless, it's
worth trying to focus on others even when we don't feel like
doing so.
How many times were we down and felt much more like giving up
then carrying on? But we pretended, acted as if last night's
dating fiasco didn't happen and pushed ourselves to go back
to work, school, normal routine, etc. Focusing on external
factors, giving to others, being busy with something else
than our own pain can help bring the salvation closer. For if
we can get past our own pain and do a kindness when it is
difficult, then Hashem will, in kind, also be compassionate
with us.
Someone recently told me that after many frustrating dating
experiences, she decided to take a break. The initial break
of a few days turned into weeks and months. Finally she told
herself — yes, this is painful but do I want to get
married or not? And back she went to the shidduchim
scene — trying again to make an effort, to phone
matchmakers, to make inquiries of suggestions, etc. A
relative confided to me that during hard times, a
gadol told her that one must keep on going. We are
soldiers, Hashem expects things from us . . .
Anyway, Chazal said that in order to be happy, we have to be
busy. Busy with mitzvos. Busy with achievement and growth. A
person who is moving forward has a positive attitude. For
even if you meet your intended mate, if you are sunk in
depression and negativity you're not going to give the
relationship a proper chance.
May Hashem bless us all with our hearts' wishes — for
the best!
*Names are made up.
Rebbetzen Travis has many years of experience and success
in helping people through shidduchim. Any comments,
questions and stories can be sent to: travisdn@barak-
online.net or at (02) 656-3111
