Part II
In the first part, HaRav Diskin cited the example of the
dedication of the Menorah by the Maccabeeim on the
original Chanukah that showed that even if they could have
used impure oil to light the Menorah since it was for
communal purposes, since they were setting the foundation in
chinuch of the Menorah they had to use pure oil
in order to ensure that the subsequent avodas Hashem
using it would be proper. Similarly, in setting the
educational foundations of children, everything must be pure.
When educating a child, the parents and teachers must realize
that they are not just educating one person — they are
also laying the foundation for all the generations to come
after.
A parent must do what is best for his child, and not be
concerned with his own comfort. He should be concerned that
his child fulfill all of his potential, even if he perhaps
will not be so comfortable with the result. Parents should
not assume that their children are like themselves and will
respond the same way to the influences that shaped them. One
must not fight a modern war with last generation's weapons.
The yetzer hora always makes sure to use the latest
and most modern techniques, so he must be countered with the
methods that can defeat him.
How to Educate
First of all, we believe and have actually seen that
psychology and pedagogy are only earthly efforts to educate
our children. HaKodosh Boruch Hu handed over the
education of children to all parents, even those who are not
necessarily the most learned, those who are not scholars. The
cornerstone of success in educating children is to
increasingly beseech Hashem to provide children with a pure
heart, ahavas Torah, and yiras Shomayim. Those
who think they can effortlessly free themselves from this
duty by approaching a chochom and tzaddik and
asking for his brochoh are way off course.
It is told about a father who asked a tzaddik for a
brochoh for his son to be like the tzaddik. The
tzaddik answered: "You have arrived too late. My
mother cried over me even when she was pregnant that Hashem
should help her educate me."
Profuse tears and heartfelt requests from the mother and
father, each one in the way he understands how to entreat
Hashem, are the pillars for achievement in chinuch.
The Pninei HaGriz cites that HaRav Zeev Chechick asked
the Brisker Rov to give his son a brochoh to be a
godol in Torah and yiras Shomayim. The Brisker
Rov answered that he will be a godol in Torah if the
father studies with him, but to be a yirei Shomayim
depends on the mother's tears.
It is obvious that the proper way of chinuch is not by
ordering children to do so-and-so. The benefit of such
behavior is quite doubtful. The main method of chinuch
is one's personal example, since a child's nature is to copy
the way his father acts. I remember that once, in order to
obtain a building for the yeshiva, I met with some government
official who was authorized to do this. He was an ardent
Zionist and questioned me whether my talmidim are
educated in the spirit of the miracles and wonders that had
been done in "the Holy Land" (by which he really meant "the
State of Israel").
I knew that if I told him the truth I could forget about the
building that the yeshiva's talmidim needed so
desperately. On the other hand I could not lie, and anyway I
felt that I would not succeed by telling any lies. So I told
him that I did not believe it possible to educate students by
directing them about what to do or how to think. The
foundation of chinuch is that the teacher must serve
as a role model: just as I am, so will the talmidim be
educated. If you want an answer to your question first
clarify my outlook.
A father should refrain from engaging in anything that,
although it is not harmful to himself and perhaps sometimes
is beneficial, his children might consider a decline in
ruchniyus. About such a situation the principle
applies that something forbidden to be done publicly should
not be done privately either. The word always gets around. A
father should energetically perform mitzvos and do so in a
more mehudar fashion, study more Torah, daven
with more kavonoh and engage in more chesed,
and further refine the way he speaks. The limitations he has
accepted upon himself for the sake of his children's benefit
should not bother him, since he will eventually gain from
them.
Details Concerning Education
We must devote maximum patience to the child when we talk
with him, since the beginning and the most significant part
of chinuch is at home. A father should not be
impatient when hearing a child's questions; he should regard
his son like a talmid. Do not answer with short
responses. On the contrary, a father should answer at length
and make all efforts that the answer be understandable. He
should especially be careful that the answer be truthful and
not simply dismiss the question with a flimsy response.
Through comprehensible and logical answers he develops the
child's thought processes. He should be mindful not to offer
an incorrect or superficial reply, since "lies have short
wings" and inevitably his answer will be contradicted. The
results are that the child's trust in his father
deteriorates. In addition, a skin-deep answer accustoms the
child to thinking superficially too.
On the other hand, a father must be extremely forbearing, and
even when a child acts in a disgusting way he should take
care how he reacts. An improper response sometimes distances
the son from him even more. This is especially relevant for
older children who are more exposed to sin. The nearness
parents offer their child at home protects children so they
do not deviate from accepted normal behavior. The child in
turn will be careful not to antagonize his parents, since he
too does not want them to distance themselves from him.
It is proper to tell children stories about tzaddikim
and people who should be emulated. A child's innate character
and power of imagination makes him live in the world of the
story. He wants to copy the positive characters he hears
about in the story. We should insure that he has books to
read during his leisure time, something especially important
for children who are avid readers. Supplying them with good
reading material prevents them from looking into books they
should not read, and the other beneficial aim is also
attained.
It should also be pointed out that the contents of all books
need to be reviewed. Even books that appear like sifrei
kodesh should be looked over carefully before being
handed over to our children. I have seen many such books that
are sometimes about topics like doing teshuvoh, where
the aveiros that the baal teshuvoh did
beforehand are spelled out. Although the author shows how
important the teshuvoh he did was, sometimes the child
is curious to know what these aveiros are like and is
attracted to some of the aveiros he reads about. It is
said that anyone who deals with a repulsive person becomes
repulsive too.
Even books generally considered literature suitable for
chareidi children should be checked anew to see whether they
fit our way of life and the problems of this generation.
Portraying in a positive light people who fitted a certain
bygone environment may be negative for our particular
environment.
A certain detail should be examined. There are authors who
tend to describe all gedolei Yisroel as having been
born into lives of kedushoh, and that it was said of
them that they inherited the great neshomoh of a
tzaddik — ever since they were young children
they were kodosh, different from other children, and
did not act like them. Besides the fact that in many cases
this is not true, telling stories in such a way causes
children to lose hope. The child will claim that he has no
connection with those gedolim, since he was not born
with such attributes or talents and cannot compare to them.
He will conclude that they are not the proper role models for
him.
End of Part II
HaRav Shimon Moshe Diskin, zt'l, was a rosh yeshiva in
Yeshivas Kol Torah in Yerushalayim. His yahrtzeit is 16
Tammuz.
