"Nobody realized my situation, maybe because I'm always
smiling," confides one of our readers, a mother of nine. "But
when my sixth child got engaged this year, I was really
stuck. The wedding was going to cost me $20,000 and I had to
do everything myself, including running to gemachim
for loans. Finally, the Shabbos aufruf arrived.
"For the Kiddush, all my neighbors baked cakes, cakes and
more cakes. People kept calling and asking, `Do you need
cakes?' I wanted to tell them, `With the same amount of
energy you put into baking for me, you could go around
collecting hachnossas kalla for me.' "
Imagine this mother's surprise when a yungerman from
her neighborhood, whom she didn't know personally, came to
her door with an envelope containing several thousand dollars
that he had collected for her. "I was floored," she recalls
with tears in her eyes. "He asked me, `Do you need any
more?'
Sometimes people don't realize what should be done. Each
family has different needs. We should all try to think of
what will really help a family during their time of
simcha."
In these difficult economic times, money is the unspoken but
pivotal ingredient in every simcha. Friends and
neighbors can see the new clothes being purchased; the crates
of groceries being delivered before, during and after the
wedding; and the minibuses ferrying family members to and
from sheva brochos. What they don't see is the state
of the family's finances. The stress of paying off debts can
exact a heavy toll on parents' health, not to mention their
peace of mind. Rare is the neighbor who asks candidly, "Is
there anything I can do to help?"
This IS something that everyone can do to make their
neighbor's simcha even happier. Collecting money for
hachnossas kalla -- even if it's only a small
collection among friends -- can give the parents of the
chosson or kalla a little breathing room while
the rest of their money is pouring out of their pockets. (As
a new mechutan jokes, "Someone once asked, `What's the
first thing I should do when my son gets engaged?' His friend
replied, `Go to the bank and order checkbooks!' ") We have
all heard the stories about large, extended families who have
turned hachnosas kalla collecting into an art form.
Every relative pitches in by going door-to-door in different
cities for many months, raising enough money to buy the young
couple a small apartment. Yet this mitzva can also be
conducted on a smaller scale among one's friends, neighbors
or coworkers. Klall Yisroel has a special place in its heart
for the mitzva of hachnossas kalla, the
continuity of our people.
"Whenever we have guests from abroad, I always ask them for
money to give to hachnossas kalla," says Mrs. T.
"Then, when I hear that someone's collecting, I give some of
it to them. Or, if I know of a chosson or kalla
who really needs extra money, I add it to my wedding gift.
It's not a lot of money -- 100 shekel here, 50 shekel there --
but it helps."
Getting Started
Collecting for hachnossas kalla among friends or
neighbors requires little more than a friendly smile. If you
decide to expand your collection door-to-door, you may want
to go together with another woman, but this is not required
by halocho.
While you may mention details of the family you're collecting
for (e.g. the father is out of work or sick r'l, or
the kalla is an orphan), it's best not to identify the
family by name. Your personal sincerity is enough to gain
your friends' trust. If you are collecting among strangers,
you might want to show a letter from a rabbi who knows the
family. Dressing nicely conveys the importance of your
mission.
"I've collected for hachnossas kalla among my friends
in my neighborhood a few times," says Mrs. Z. "I don't do it
very often -- maybe only once a year so my friends don't feel
I'm taking advantage of them. It does take a bit of time
(especially since I end up chatting with those I haven't seen
in a while), but I find that everyone is very open to this
cause. The average donation is 20 to 50 shekels, although
people have given me 100 and 200 shekel bills on the spot.
One year, I went around collecting on motzaei Yom Tov
and I received an outpouring of donations that people had
pledged for Yizkor."
Since most women will have to ask their husbands for
permission to give large sums, it is best to visit at a time
when your friends' husbands are home. People seem to have
more money in their pockets before Shabbos than after. While
motzaei Shabbos may be an easier time for you to go
out collecting, going out at a more difficult time often
reaps unexpected rewards. "People feel sorry for a lady who
has to [or chooses to] go out collecting on Friday afternoon
or on a rainy day," observes Mrs. F.
More Than a Drop in the Bucket
Considering the tens of thousands of dollars families must
raise for their wedding, you may think that any money you
collect is a drop in the bucket. It is -- but it can mean the
world to someone who won't have to pay it back with all her
other loans.
"Help!" cried one mother to her close friend a few weeks
before the wedding of her third child. "This afternoon I have
to buy mattresses and I need $400!" Her friend immediately
called a mutual friend in another neighborhood to alert her
to what was happening and asked her to solicit her
acquaintances for hachnossas kalla money. Imagine the
mother's relief when her close friend handed her an envelope
filled with cash, no questions asked.
"My friend and I collected 1,200 shekel going door-to-door in
our neighborhood over a period of three nights," recalls Mrs.
W. "It wasn't big money, but the kalla definitely
appreciated it. I decided to do it because the kalla
was from a difficult family situation and I felt she deserved
a good start. The amount we collected covered the cost of an
engagement party in a hall, which made her very happy."
While we're involved in this special mitzva, let's not
fall into the trap of judging our neighbors' needs. Even if
you would never agree to a `gift exchange' between the
families of the chosson and kalla, or if things
like Shabbos sheitels, silver candlesticks and silver
menoras sound extravagant to your way of thinking, they may
be very important to other people.
May we merit helping our neighbors in the way they need it
most, and may every chosson and kalla build a
bayis ne'eman beYisroel on the foundations of
chessed.
