We all want to raise children who are motivated -- motivated
to jump out of bed in the morning, motivated to do
mitzvos, motivated to learn, to help out at home and
to strive for success. Why do some children seem to be
constantly striving, improving, and trying to make the most
of their abilities, while others just coast along, doing the
bare minimum and not even trying to improve?
If we were to look at the most motivated children, we might
be surprised to note that they are not necessarily those with
the highest natural intelligence, the most inborn talents, or
the most educated parents. Instead, we would find that those
children who are most motivated to work in different areas of
their lives share two basic advantages -- clearly defined
goals and healthy attitudes towards success and failure.
GOALS
Parents have goals for their children. Teachers have goals
for their students. But are the children aware of the goals,
and do they feel they `own' their goals or are they imposed
from the outside without being internalized?
From a very young age, children should be taught to see
themselves as progressing along a path that will hopefully
lead to a life of Torah and mitzvos. If you pray for
your children after lighting Shabbos candles, why not say
these prayers out loud, or at least explain to the children
what you are praying for? Every week, let your growing
children hear your expectations.
Hopefully, they are headed to be children who are "wise and
understanding, who love Hashem and fear Him, people of truth,
holy offspring, attached to Hashem, who [will] illuminate the
world with Torah and good deeds" etc. You can sit with your
children and review the week, warmly discussing how the
prayers are being fulfilled, how their week glittered with
Torah, mitzvos, improvement in middos, prayer
with kavono and so on. Help them see how their short-
term efforts lead to the long-term goals, step by step, and
how proud you are of their progress.
As children grow older, they should be helped to clarify
their own personal goals, within accepted boundaries. Goals
should be realistic. If Hashem wanted everyone to be a
godol hador, He wouldn't have created people with
different abilities and talents. It is best to emphasize self
improvement, rather than competition with others, and small
steps towards realistic long-term goals.
Explain to your children that when someone is driving a car,
he must keep his focus on the direction he is driving. True,
he must also be changing gears, stepping on the gas or brake,
and putting on a signal light, but he doesn't take his eyes
off the road. Similarly, we must keep our focus on our goals -
- for learning, spiritual development etc. During our day-to-
day lives, we must also spend time performing other mundane
activities and dealing with different situations that arise.
But those things are like signal lights and gears -- they
must be dealt with, but they shouldn't interfere with our
focus on what is really important.
ATTITUDES TOWARDS SUCCESS AND FAILURE
There are two types of motivation: motivation to strive for
success and motivation to avoid failure. A child who is more
motivated to avoid failure than to strive for success will be
passive, reluctant to try anything difficult or different,
and may be withdrawn and pessimistic. NOT what we want.
I wanted to encourage my first grade daughter to practice her
reading, so I told her to read aloud to me "because hearing
you read gives me nachas." She thought about that for
a minute, and then asked, "But does hearing me make mistakes
also give you nachas?"
The answer should be a resounding YES!
I explained to her that when babies learn to walk, they fall
down a lot because they make mistakes. But then they learn to
walk without making mistakes and don't fall down any more.
But do they stop there? Definitely not! They try running and
end up falling down sometimes. And once they know how to run
without falling down, do they stop there? No! Then they try
jumping and then, hopping on one foot.
Share with your children different situations from your own
life in which you had to try something many times before
succeeding. Teach them the importance of effort alongside
prayer and emuna.
From a very young age, great emphasis should be placed on the
fact that only Hashem is perfect; no one in the world is
perfect. Perhaps paradoxically, the children who are most
growth-oriented are those who are not afraid to acknowledge
and accept their own limitations and weaknesses -- because
they are well aware that being imperfect is normal and
nothing to be ashamed of. Instead of denying and
rationalizing away their weak points, they seek ways to
improve. They feel good about themselves, despite their
imperfections, and enjoy every step they take in a positive
direction.
It is crucial for children to understand that you love them
unconditionally. You are proud of them when they excel, but
your love is not dependent on any external factor. A child
who grows up in a nurturing, non-judgmental atmosphere feels
good about himself, and feels that he has the strength to
become even better.
