RE: THREE-PART SERIES ON CARING FOR ALZHEIMER PATIENTS AT
HOME
Kol Hakavod to the valorous women who take care of their
loved ones who suffer from A.D. As a sister of someone who
has sadly been smitten by this, I am very aware of the
situation. There were a few issues not mentioned in your
articles, which I would like to raise.
When a person starts to exhibit strange, uncharacteristic
behavior [suspiciousness, disorientation etc.], it is
important to obtain medical advice quickly. There are other
conditions which can present themselves as similar to A.D.
They can be treated and the person returns to their
normal state of health. Should the person indeed have
Alzheimer's Disease, then there is medication which, in some
cases, can slow down the development of the disease.
Sadly, there are cases where the sufferer deteriorates to the
point that they can no longer be cared for at home. This
brings me to my last point: VISITING. Even if the person no
longer recognizes anyone, even their nearest and dearest,
don't forget them. We cannot presume that they are unaware.
Their human emotions don't change -- they know happiness and
anxiety, and they feel when they are loved.
It is also important for staff to witness that the helpless,
dependent person they care for is still loved and precious to
their family and friends. And of course, even the most
devoted staff of the best care Home needs thanks and
appreciation from the family!
For the relatives of the afflicted person, it is heartwarming
to know that their loved one is remembered, even if her/his
behavior is altered beyond recognition. A visit may be just
five or ten minutes, but it is time well spent, even though
it is very difficult.
Sincerely,
Ruth Posen
And a phone call from England, very emotional, from a
mother of a large family.
I could hardly believe the article which told of an A.D.
grandmother being cared for in a home with little children
where the mother operated a nursery for other children. I
can't imagine how this woman coped.
I, too, have an A.D. mother and I find it beyond my ability
to care for her at my home. She is in an old age home and we
visit frequently and I try not to feel guilty, but I know she
is getting adequate care, which I could not possibly give her
so I convince myself not to feel guilty.
A reader
And a third response
I was employed as a stop-gap home caretaker of a rebbetzin
with A.D. who had a elderly bachelor son living in. They had
full time care for her when he was away during the day. I
personally gained tremendously from the experience of my
contact with her, even though it was only for one hour a
day.
This woman was so pure that her soul shone through despite
her disease. She did not know me by name, didn't really
recognize me, but seemed to respond to my affection and
respect for her. She was a `lady,' a refined person, the
product of the yichus she bore. She was always
offering me fruit, a drink, always so grateful for my having
come.
She was always asking if she had already davened, even
though I assured her she had. She delighted in stories of
tzaddikim brought down to a very elementary level, and
used to talk about the old days and her illustrious father
and grandparents, repeatingd herself over and over, but
speaking with a love for Torah, with purity and goodness.
Eventually, when she fell repeatedly and broke her hip, she
had to be transferred to a Home. I imagine that this happens
to many A.D. patients at some time. But I had great respect
for the family who managed to keep her in her familiar home
environment for so long, where she felt secure, and where she
was able to maintain the dignity she deserved, and who found
chareidi women as companions and caretakers.
To be sure, at some point, this becomes unfeasible. But
children should do their very best for as long as they
possibly can to give their parents this element of dignity
and self respect which cannot be duplicated in any Home.
Yours,
S.W.
RE: COLLECTING FOR HACHNOSSAS KALLA -- some more responses
I.
The responses to your article were very interesting.
Apparently, the writers do not cater to extravagant needs and
are satisfied with their lots. We can all learn from their
example.
However, being satisfied with our lots does not mean imposing
our own standards on others, nor begruding others what we
ourselves don't need.
Need is a gray area, and varies from person to person. Our
Rabbonim should decide what needs are within reason in our
day and age. Following their guidelines, we can all
participate in this precious mitzva.
II.
How many people do you know who suffice with a vort in
the house for family and immediate friends only, simply
because they cannot `afford' something in a hall? Five
percent of our chareidi population? And if we look askance at
what is being served and the `bar' so lavishly decorated,
this may be the help of devoted neighbors and not necessarily
an expense upon the `poor' family.
As for gold watches, I was able to withstand social pressure
with my first few children and insist on foregoing the
exchange of gold. But later on, it became more difficult,
when we encountered families where this was de rigeur; they
expected it as a norm and we capitulated, feeling bad then
that our older children had been deprived of what their
younger siblings received.
Everything should certainly be done within reason, with a
look at the purse. In many cases, mechutonim will be
happy for `straight talk' and costs can be whittled down on
many important things when mutually agreed upon.
Our disapproving readers/writers should look at today's norm
and see what `poor' families are doing, in actuality. How
many are really buying used furniture? Inviting only 100
people to the wedding? Sewing their own clothes?
Can we expect our poor children to be our scapegoats, our
sacrifices? If others are willing to help, so be it. As we
say at the end of a Tehillim recital: "May Your children not
need the help of one another..." But if they do, and they do,
what is more natural than my helping you in your legitimate
need, through some maaser money, and you helping me in
mine? Is that not the purpose of this mitzva which
EVERYONE is required to do?
We are usually speaking about kollel families or large
families or families with special situations and needs. What
is wrong with helping them out? Must we dictate how they
spend the money? For example, is a wedding in Tamir (just for
example) nowadays really such an extravagance or the general
norm?
D.S.
III.
And L.W. wonders why we cannot emulate certain chassidic
circles who have tremendous purchasing power. They have
erected communities in cheaper areas and have put limits on
the size of weddings and wedding halls etc.
Perhaps some askonim can use our purchasing power in
organizing centralized buying of appliances and furniture at
less than wholesale price?
IV.
A different suggestion, from a Bnei Brak reader:
A novel idea for helping all those singles out there waiting
for such `problems' -- providing them with merit in this very
area!
Perhaps working singles with funds temporarily at their
disposal can set up or participate in interest-free loan
gemachs in Eretz Yisroel or abroad. Many
gemachs are run excellently to guarantee the funds
back as soon as needed. This is a win/win situation! May the
merit help them to speedily marry themselves off!
Married couples, on the other hand, should do their utmost at
the Shidduch level to help friends, especially older ones,
find their matches. Shadchonus is excellent Kosher Gelt for
being a heavenly messenger.
One EITZA -- for bumps and bruises on the head: apply
margarine at once. I don't know why it works, but it does.
And a notice to interested mothers
SHELANU invites mothers and others involved with special
children to an EVENING of CHIZUK and INSPIRATION.
Rabbi Menachem Nissel, noted lecturer and author of
Rigshei Lev and Jerusalem Jems, will speak
about Unanswered Prayers? on Thursday evening, January
22 / 28 Teves.
The program begins at 7:45 p.m. at Family Sternbuch, Rechov
Kedushas Aharon 2, Kiryat Belz, Jerusalem. Women only.
Suggested donation: 10 shekel. For more information: 02-585-
7537.
