Most mothers with healthy children come across the phenomenon
of the perpetual `Why?' Some children start at the age of
three, others begin a little later. At this time of year,
when Chazal proscribe some of the rites of Seder night in
order for the children to ask questions, it seems appropriate
to discuss the way we should deal with these questions on a
regular basis.
One question is usually the precursor to a whole string of
others. Children ask because they want to know, they are
trying to work out how things function in their world.
However, the answer to many of the questions they ask is
beyond their comprehension at this stage in their lives.
Prevarication is not the answer, as sooner or later the child
will discover that his parent has lied to him. Evasion is a
little better but has to be handled carefully so that the
child does not realize that the question has been evaded.
Questions which touch on sensitive issues can often be
resolved in a convincing tone of voice which will preclude
the next question. "Because that is the way Hashem made it
(or wanted it to be)," is quite a satisfactory answer.
Embarrassing questions such as "Why is that man so fat,
Mommy?" can be answered with "I will talk to you in a
minute," and parents are entitled to explain that it is not
polite to make personal remarks, when the person is not
within earshot any more. This might elicit the answer, "But I
am not `a person of remarks;' I just asked why he was fat"
(this was from a five-year-old).
Children have to feel that the answer is geared to their
question. They also need to feel confident that the
information is correct. The ideal way of imparting
information is by arousing children's curiosity, as that is
the way they learn best. Hence, the unusual events on Seder
night. Anything new, out of place or out of routine will
arouse interest. Having said that, children of four and five,
in spite of the constant `why', do not always perceive that
something is extraordinary. Many `magicians' who do tricks at
children's parties will not perform for under sixes. Small
children are not surprised by sleight of hand, when, for
instance, a rabbit comes out of a hat.
Some parents take great pains to answer each question with
lengthy explanations. This defeats the purpose, as the
child's attention span is not geared to long sentences. Some
go to the other extreme and say curtly, "You've asked me that
ten times already," or "Not now, I'm busy." If a child has
really asked the same question several times, the mother can
say, "You tell me," and help him along with the answer.
Children gain a great deal of self confidence when their
questions are answered with Mother's full attention. The
change of routine or something out of the ordinary is not
worrying or `scary,' as they call it, if Mommy makes them
feel it is a good question which has a normal answer.
Mothers are normal human beings who often have more work to
do than they can manage. When the `why' child comes along
just as Mother is frying up a whole load of fish and the
family is waiting for their meal, instead of snapping, "I've
had enough of your questions. Just go away now and leave me
alone," she can say, "I'll tell you soon. Just wait till I've
finished this because it is dangerous for you to be here."
However, the `soon' has to arrive when Mommy will remember to
tell him the answer. "Go and ask Daddy," is quite all right,
if she adds, "because I'm not sure of the answer."
If a child is constantly fobbed off and parents really cannot
be bothered with him, he will stop asking after a while. But
is that really what parents want? He will stop asking and
think that his parents do not really care if he knows things
or not. And after a while, the corollary will be that they do
not really care about him.
`Where?' is the first question which a child understands and
uses. `What?' is a slightly later stage, together with `who?'
and `when?' When the child begins to ask `why?,' it may at
first be just for the attention, but later on, he really
wants to know why bananas are bent, not just where is the
moon but why does it shine at night.
