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Home
and Family
Mixed Families, Unmixed Blessings
by R. Chadshai
It is quite a challenge to a mother when the oldest is twenty
or more, and the baby is three months old. Small children
need actual physical care, i.e. feeding, dressing, bathing
and putting to bed. But older children present mood swings,
teenage problems, doubts, uncertainties, all time-consuming
issues. That is not to mention the times when one has to get
them into a new place of schooling, where to send them, how
to get them accepted. Then there are shidduchim, with
the corollary of another additional adult member of the
family.
When there are only little children around, a mother can
devote all her time and youthful energies to them. She takes
them to the park, tells them bedtime stories, doles out a
little prize here, a reprimand there. She does not usually
encounter any earth shattering problems. If they all grow up
as one homogeneous group, the routine of the day changes and
parents begin to enjoy their children's company as young
adults.
However, when there are older children in addition to babies,
life becomes far more complicated. No longer does the house
wind down at seven every evening. Little children who are
sent to bed at a normal time want to participate in the
interesting conversations. They want to see their sisters'
friends or listen in on telephone conversations which are not
meant for their ears. Moreover, Mother is frequently so
engrossed in other matters that she forgets to send the
little ones to bed and finds them meking merry at ten at
night. (Children have an uncanny capacity of being absolutely
silent and almost invisible when it is well past their bed
time!)
Although there is perhaps less physical work around the house
as older children make themselves useful, a housewife cannot
sit back and relax, for reasons mentioned above. Each older
child feels him/herself as a surrogate parent, which is fine
for the under fives, who thrive on the extra attention. They
have a far wider grasp of concepts than their older siblings
had at that age, and feel very loved and cherished. On the
other hand, the older siblings, especially bochurim,
pick up the baby or `wind up' the toddler, and when he begins
to cry, they dump him in his crib, leaving him to cry!
These older children are a boon to mothers, as built-in
babysitters. No more frantic last minute telephone calls to
locate a reliable girl for the evening. But a boy or girl of
ten or older objects to being told what to do by an older
sister or brother, and might retort, "You are not my mother."
Parents may return from some event to find anarchy in the
house. The older ones were maybe a little too dictatorial and
the younger ones decided to live it up!
Mothers have to strike a balance between the very real
problems of their almost adult children and giving of their
time to the little ones. They do not really feel like sitting
through another kindergarten party, as they know exactly what
Teacher is going to say. But why should the child feel let
down because only his mother didn't come? To him, his
life is just as important as the more weighty programs of his
older siblings. As for taking the little ones to the park
each day, as she used to, Mother has so many more important
things to take care of...
When older and younger siblings share a room, there are often
problems. The older children want to learn or do homework, at
a time when the little ones want to play there. The younger
children need to sleep, and the others still need the light
for many hours. the little ones pry into the drawers of the
older ones, frequently annexing or destroying property. An
older child might mistakenly throw out a large cardboard box
which is cluttering up the room, but alas, it was the four-
year-old's precious private yacht!
Parents mellow during the course of the years. As their
physical strength decreases, their wisdom and experience
increase. Older siblings, or even married ones, are often
heard to complain that they would NEVER have been allowed to
do such and such. Either parents have changed their minds
about certain points, or they close an eye to some slight
misdemeanor. They are now mature enough to have their
priorities just right! When little ones complain that they
never go out to weddings etc., while the older ones always
do, Mother will have an answer for them. Similarly, when the
big sister complains that the little one gets away with
murder and never has to lift a finger, Mother will point out
the many privileges she gets because of her seniority.
Parents must beware of worrying about the various accusations
and complaints. They should stand their ground and explain
that nobody chooses when to be born. Hashem decides who is
the oldest, the second, the third... the youngest. Although
the grass always seems greener on the other side of the
fence, everybody gets what they are entitled to.
If children of all ages see that their parents rejoice wth
the gift of their manifold blessings, and try to give each
child the time and attention he requires, and do not regard
the large family as a burden, they, too, will be happy in
this blessed home.
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