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9 Nissan 5764 - March 31, 2004 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
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Home and Family


Mixed Families, Unmixed Blessings
by R. Chadshai

It is quite a challenge to a mother when the oldest is twenty or more, and the baby is three months old. Small children need actual physical care, i.e. feeding, dressing, bathing and putting to bed. But older children present mood swings, teenage problems, doubts, uncertainties, all time-consuming issues. That is not to mention the times when one has to get them into a new place of schooling, where to send them, how to get them accepted. Then there are shidduchim, with the corollary of another additional adult member of the family.

When there are only little children around, a mother can devote all her time and youthful energies to them. She takes them to the park, tells them bedtime stories, doles out a little prize here, a reprimand there. She does not usually encounter any earth shattering problems. If they all grow up as one homogeneous group, the routine of the day changes and parents begin to enjoy their children's company as young adults.

However, when there are older children in addition to babies, life becomes far more complicated. No longer does the house wind down at seven every evening. Little children who are sent to bed at a normal time want to participate in the interesting conversations. They want to see their sisters' friends or listen in on telephone conversations which are not meant for their ears. Moreover, Mother is frequently so engrossed in other matters that she forgets to send the little ones to bed and finds them meking merry at ten at night. (Children have an uncanny capacity of being absolutely silent and almost invisible when it is well past their bed time!)

Although there is perhaps less physical work around the house as older children make themselves useful, a housewife cannot sit back and relax, for reasons mentioned above. Each older child feels him/herself as a surrogate parent, which is fine for the under fives, who thrive on the extra attention. They have a far wider grasp of concepts than their older siblings had at that age, and feel very loved and cherished. On the other hand, the older siblings, especially bochurim, pick up the baby or `wind up' the toddler, and when he begins to cry, they dump him in his crib, leaving him to cry!

These older children are a boon to mothers, as built-in babysitters. No more frantic last minute telephone calls to locate a reliable girl for the evening. But a boy or girl of ten or older objects to being told what to do by an older sister or brother, and might retort, "You are not my mother." Parents may return from some event to find anarchy in the house. The older ones were maybe a little too dictatorial and the younger ones decided to live it up!

Mothers have to strike a balance between the very real problems of their almost adult children and giving of their time to the little ones. They do not really feel like sitting through another kindergarten party, as they know exactly what Teacher is going to say. But why should the child feel let down because only his mother didn't come? To him, his life is just as important as the more weighty programs of his older siblings. As for taking the little ones to the park each day, as she used to, Mother has so many more important things to take care of...

When older and younger siblings share a room, there are often problems. The older children want to learn or do homework, at a time when the little ones want to play there. The younger children need to sleep, and the others still need the light for many hours. the little ones pry into the drawers of the older ones, frequently annexing or destroying property. An older child might mistakenly throw out a large cardboard box which is cluttering up the room, but alas, it was the four- year-old's precious private yacht!

Parents mellow during the course of the years. As their physical strength decreases, their wisdom and experience increase. Older siblings, or even married ones, are often heard to complain that they would NEVER have been allowed to do such and such. Either parents have changed their minds about certain points, or they close an eye to some slight misdemeanor. They are now mature enough to have their priorities just right! When little ones complain that they never go out to weddings etc., while the older ones always do, Mother will have an answer for them. Similarly, when the big sister complains that the little one gets away with murder and never has to lift a finger, Mother will point out the many privileges she gets because of her seniority.

Parents must beware of worrying about the various accusations and complaints. They should stand their ground and explain that nobody chooses when to be born. Hashem decides who is the oldest, the second, the third... the youngest. Although the grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence, everybody gets what they are entitled to.

If children of all ages see that their parents rejoice wth the gift of their manifold blessings, and try to give each child the time and attention he requires, and do not regard the large family as a burden, they, too, will be happy in this blessed home.

 

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