Some say that not only does a child with a stigma suffer, but
the child labeled positively also has a problem since he
feels he must constantly live up to his reputation and that
is what drives him, and thus he lacks internal motivation.
Still, I believe one should find the strong points in every
child and even turn them into positive labels to serve as
power stations from which the child can draw strength during
hard times.
This opinion relies primarily on the recognition that 1)
people attach labels and 2) most labels are negative.
There is a well-known parable about a woman who regularly had
apples stolen from her by scoundrels, some of whom suggested
that she steal from herself. We, too, must "steal" from our
own and our children's shortcomings and if labels are already
being attached it would be best for most of them, or at least
one of them, to be positive for a change.
*
Various reasons and explanations are given for why children
(or adults) should not be overly praised and extolled. It is
liable to cause pride, the kudos are liable to be inaccurate,
we run the risk of sinning by telling an untruth and perhaps
in general it's best for the child not to know that people
are pleased with him, for he is liable to become
overconfident and start exerting himself less.
Besides the first claim which has some truth to it, all the
rest are not reasons but excuses. People don't have the
strength, or they feel silly giving excessive compliments, or
they are enslaved by their critical nature and simply find it
difficult to create a positive label for the child and to
give him a daily boost.
There are also those who refuse to compliment others,
particularly if the others are fishing for a compliment. This
stubbornness can generally be sensed when the child is
seeking attention. The instinctive reaction is not to give
him what he wants, and some go even further by making fun of
him by saying, "What is it? Do you want some attention?"
Yes, he is looking for attention and why shouldn't he get it?
Is it bad to seek attention? Do any of us not seek
attention? Perhaps because we were accustomed to having our
quests for attention received in this manner, justice demands
that we do the same.
The truth is that if a child wants attention there is no
reason to deny it (unless he endangers himself or others).
Thus far we have discussed personal labels. Now we will
broaden the conversation to include general criticism.
*
The human mind is like a recording device running from birth
until death.
We record not only voices, but also bodily movements and even
subtle hints.
These recordings accumulate inside us and condition us in
various ways. Some of them are simple: "If I act like this it
is good. If I act otherwise, it is bad."
Every action has its own recording and people act
accordingly.
If, for example, one's inner recording reveals that every
time he tells a joke he gets ridiculed--he will start being
careful not to tell jokes. If a person's inner recordings
tell him that when he complains about his bitter fate he wins
extra amounts of warmth and attention he may learn to love
the art of blubbering. (And if you've ever met a professional
blubberer, know that this trait was built up in him over the
course of years. It was not a spontaneous decision.)
On the other hand there are those who had hurt and insult
rained down upon them every time they complained about the
slightest pain or difficulty. Their inner recording said,
"Keep all your problems to yourself and communicate only the
positive feelings to the outside world."
*
Following this long introduction (which really warrants a
series of articles in and of itself) let's return to the
matter at hand.
Home life determines much of our attitude toward life. Being
subjected to an atmosphere of criticism and cynicism during
childhood is liable to erase many of a person's abilities
because he will be afraid to express them.
In such a home when the child blunders with his tongue, or
creates something that is not favorably received by the
people surrounding him and they cut him down--chances are he
will avoid expressing himself in front of crowds because his
inner recording tells him it's better to keep quiet to avoid
encounters with failure.
Here lies a brand new idea: mental blocks are not formed only
when criticism is directed toward the child. When the
criticism is directed externally, toward others, the more
abrasive the criticism the more the child will internalize
the message that standing out too much (including in his
studies) is liable to draw harsh criticism. Therefore he may
choose to keep a low profile and avoid making himself
noteworthy.
One should not conclude from this that criticism cannot be
expressed inside the home. On the contrary, criticism is one
of the foundations of chinuch, particularly in our
generation when it is perfectly justified to lodge
unrestrained criticism against things that pose a threat to
emunoh and mitzvah observance.
But this criticism is only desirable if it is balanced with
positive critiques, encouragement, accentuating good,
expressing joy and positive action. This balance is the
converse recording that tells the child he can be conspicuous
and express himself in a good way. We'll compliment you,
encourage you, support you and even applaud you.
One cannot allow the home to become a place where only the
winds of criticism blow. That causes obstructions. It blocks
and creates reticence and fear of going further. Since all of
us like to voice criticism just as all of us apply labels,
the right thing to do is to balance these tendencies with
positive critique and positive labels.
