Dei'ah veDibur - Information & Insight
  

A Window into the Chareidi World

30 Nissan 5764 - April 21, 2004 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
NEWS

OPINION
& COMMENT

OBSERVATIONS

HOME
& FAMILY

IN-DEPTH
FEATURES

VAAD HORABBONIM HAOLAMI LEINYONEI GIYUR

TOPICS IN THE NEWS

HOMEPAGE

 

Produced and housed by
Shema Yisrael Torah Network
Shema Yisrael Torah Network

Opinion & Comment
Positive Labeling

by Chaim Walder

Some say that not only does a child with a stigma suffer, but the child labeled positively also has a problem since he feels he must constantly live up to his reputation and that is what drives him, and thus he lacks internal motivation. Still, I believe one should find the strong points in every child and even turn them into positive labels to serve as power stations from which the child can draw strength during hard times.

This opinion relies primarily on the recognition that 1) people attach labels and 2) most labels are negative.

There is a well-known parable about a woman who regularly had apples stolen from her by scoundrels, some of whom suggested that she steal from herself. We, too, must "steal" from our own and our children's shortcomings and if labels are already being attached it would be best for most of them, or at least one of them, to be positive for a change.

*

Various reasons and explanations are given for why children (or adults) should not be overly praised and extolled. It is liable to cause pride, the kudos are liable to be inaccurate, we run the risk of sinning by telling an untruth and perhaps in general it's best for the child not to know that people are pleased with him, for he is liable to become overconfident and start exerting himself less.

Besides the first claim which has some truth to it, all the rest are not reasons but excuses. People don't have the strength, or they feel silly giving excessive compliments, or they are enslaved by their critical nature and simply find it difficult to create a positive label for the child and to give him a daily boost.

There are also those who refuse to compliment others, particularly if the others are fishing for a compliment. This stubbornness can generally be sensed when the child is seeking attention. The instinctive reaction is not to give him what he wants, and some go even further by making fun of him by saying, "What is it? Do you want some attention?"

Yes, he is looking for attention and why shouldn't he get it? Is it bad to seek attention? Do any of us not seek attention? Perhaps because we were accustomed to having our quests for attention received in this manner, justice demands that we do the same.

The truth is that if a child wants attention there is no reason to deny it (unless he endangers himself or others).

Thus far we have discussed personal labels. Now we will broaden the conversation to include general criticism.

*

The human mind is like a recording device running from birth until death.

We record not only voices, but also bodily movements and even subtle hints.

These recordings accumulate inside us and condition us in various ways. Some of them are simple: "If I act like this it is good. If I act otherwise, it is bad."

Every action has its own recording and people act accordingly.

If, for example, one's inner recording reveals that every time he tells a joke he gets ridiculed--he will start being careful not to tell jokes. If a person's inner recordings tell him that when he complains about his bitter fate he wins extra amounts of warmth and attention he may learn to love the art of blubbering. (And if you've ever met a professional blubberer, know that this trait was built up in him over the course of years. It was not a spontaneous decision.)

On the other hand there are those who had hurt and insult rained down upon them every time they complained about the slightest pain or difficulty. Their inner recording said, "Keep all your problems to yourself and communicate only the positive feelings to the outside world."

*

Following this long introduction (which really warrants a series of articles in and of itself) let's return to the matter at hand.

Home life determines much of our attitude toward life. Being subjected to an atmosphere of criticism and cynicism during childhood is liable to erase many of a person's abilities because he will be afraid to express them.

In such a home when the child blunders with his tongue, or creates something that is not favorably received by the people surrounding him and they cut him down--chances are he will avoid expressing himself in front of crowds because his inner recording tells him it's better to keep quiet to avoid encounters with failure.

Here lies a brand new idea: mental blocks are not formed only when criticism is directed toward the child. When the criticism is directed externally, toward others, the more abrasive the criticism the more the child will internalize the message that standing out too much (including in his studies) is liable to draw harsh criticism. Therefore he may choose to keep a low profile and avoid making himself noteworthy.

One should not conclude from this that criticism cannot be expressed inside the home. On the contrary, criticism is one of the foundations of chinuch, particularly in our generation when it is perfectly justified to lodge unrestrained criticism against things that pose a threat to emunoh and mitzvah observance.

But this criticism is only desirable if it is balanced with positive critiques, encouragement, accentuating good, expressing joy and positive action. This balance is the converse recording that tells the child he can be conspicuous and express himself in a good way. We'll compliment you, encourage you, support you and even applaud you.

One cannot allow the home to become a place where only the winds of criticism blow. That causes obstructions. It blocks and creates reticence and fear of going further. Since all of us like to voice criticism just as all of us apply labels, the right thing to do is to balance these tendencies with positive critique and positive labels.


All material on this site is copyrighted and its use is restricted.
Click here for conditions of use.