It's lunch time and children come home from school or
nursery, waiting for a hug and a kiss, and many, though not
all, bursting to tell of their experiences of the morning.
Mommy gives them a drink and a hug and within a short time,
they will sit down to a meal. This is the ideal. However, in
many homes, this idyllic picture is not possible. Some
children first have to pick up little brothers and sisters,
then return home to an empty house. In this scenario, the
older child has to look after the younger ones, warm up their
food in the microwave, put the little one to bed, have his
own meal and sometimes be ready to return to school as soon
as Mommy or Daddy comes in.
Often, this is half an hour or less; in some homes, it may be
two hours or more. Are these children to be pitied? Not
necessarily. Are the parents making a huge mistake in laying
this responsibility on a young child? This article is going
to discuss the different facts which might be to the child's
advantage or disadvantage.
In Israel in particular, it is quite the norm for mothers to
go out to work. They cannot always choose their working
hours, so they begin to rely heavily on their older children.
Most sensible mothers agree with people in authority that it
is unacceptable to leave a child or children alone in the
house when they are all under the age of ten. Older children
can, and do take on responsbility within reason. Too much
responsibility, however, and too soon can be very harmful.
If a mother goes to work and expects an older child to be
surrogate mother on a regular basis, she has to feel
comfortable about it. If the children feel she has a
guilty conscience about leaving them alone, even if it is
only for half an hour each day, there will be mayhem when she
gets back. Both the children in charge and the little ones
will take advantage of her in many subtle and not so subtle
ways.
As in all other aspects of running the home, Mother has to be
firm and consistent. She should not have to apologize for her
absence. It is a fact of life which, though not ideal,
apparently cannot be avoided. The onus does not have to be on
only one child. An eight-year-old is quite capable of
collecting the little one from kindergarten. A nine-year-old
can make the baby a bottle. Some rules have to be laid down
for the oldest child, too. For example, no smacking or no
forcing the children to finish their meal if they don't want
it.
Whether it is one-off occasion or a regular event, when
parents are both out of the house, they cannot really run the
show by remote control. The following is part of a one-sided
conversation overheard at a wedding, where the woman was
using her ubiquitous mobile phone.
"Why is Penina crying? Why is Miri not in bed yet? No, you
know I don't allow coloring when I am out of the house. Call
Yanky to the phone so that I can sort him out. Why haven't
you done your homework yet?" This mother does not trust her
children. If you can show the child that you rely on him, he
will develop reliability. If you feel the child is not to be
trusted, then don't attempt it in the first place.
A psychotherapist used the following analogy to make his
point. A factory owner felt that his workers were not
producing enough during the week and asked his manager to do
something about it. The manager set to with a will. There
were sanctions for latecomers and a bonus for excellent work.
Within a short while, production had soared and the workers
were content. Then the owner came on the scene and showed
displeasure at the measures used. The manager began to look
for another job, as he felt he could not work under such
conditions, and the workers did not know from whom to take
their orders.
Emergencies occur in every home at some time or other. If
children have to get the key from a neighbor and look after
themselves, turn a blind eye when you get home if things are
not to your liking. On the whole, children usually turn up
trumps in a crisis, when they are left alone.
It might happen that a fourteen-year-old girl, oldest in the
family, has been given a great deal of responsibility for
several years, and is now too busy with school work to do as
much. The eleven-year-old sister takes over many of her
duties and responsibilities but is not quite as efficient as
her older sister.
Mother has forgotten what the fourteen-year-old was like
three years ago. She can either break the second daughter by
criticizing her and comparing her to the older sister, or she
can build her confidence and esteem by praising her efforts
and telling her how wonderful it is to be able to rely on
her, to be able to come home to peaceful happy children (even
if this is not always the case).
It is a good idea to teach children to sort out their own
problems. Two or more children are squabbling over a book.
Instead of solving the dilemma for them, tell them they have
five minutes in which to discuss how to give everyone a turn
to read it. No `buts;' they must come to an amicable
decision.
If children are used to this sort of democracy, they will use
it when parents are not around as well. If the child in
charge has become too bossy, or is really showing
unacceptable behavior when the parents are out, you have to
speak to him privately, far away from listening ears. There
has to be mutual respect. If you undermine his authority in
front of the little ones, you cannot expect them to listen to
him when you are out. If parents speak respectfully to each
other and to the children, this sets the tone for the family.
If they do not, then all the theories in the world will not
help.
Finally, if you feel that a child is resentful about having
to collect someone from kindergarten and looking after little
ones on a regular basis, it is worth discussing the subject
with him/her, to see which particular aspect of the
responsibility is too onerous. After all, s/he is tired, too,
after a stint as school, as you are when you come home from
work. So don't take the child for granted, and keep on
praising and expressing your appreciation.
