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Home
and Family
The Empty Nest Syndrome
by S. Levy
The festivities are over, everyone has gone home and
suddenly, the two of you are alone, as you were thirty, or
forty years ago. It does not take you as long to shop, cook
and plan meals for the two of you as it did in those early
years. Nevertheless, you have gotten out of the habit of
taking out the garbage, of buying the daily bread, milk and
cheese. All the small things, even some of the cleaning,
which your children have been doing automatically are left
undone if you do not attend to them.
It would be foolish to be upset; everyone wants their
children settled with a suitable partner. From the minute the
baby is born, parents subconsciously plan his future, part of
which entails building a Torah home of his own. On the other
hand, being human, some of us want to eat our cake and have
it. Even if they get married and live close by, the children
are not, or should not be, part of our daily lives anymore.
Thus there is this slight feeling of regret that our birds
have flown the nest.
Nowadays, many youngsters set up home in another town or even
in another country, so physical proximity is limited. Their
families begin to grow and travel becomes more difficult. If
you want a good close relationship with your grandchildren,
you will have to go and see them. Many grandparents are still
comparatively young when the birds have all flown, and may be
fortunate enough to be in full- or part-time employment. In
which case, their time is limited for visiting, and they will
not have the pleasure of seeing the grandchild develop on a
regular basis.
On the other hand, being employed and having a rigid routine
avoids preoccupation with the inevitable aches and pains of
advancing age. Mothers are rarely ill, as they just don't
have time to pamper themselves. A woman who runs a small
institution, i.e. cooking, washing, cleaning, shopping,
counseling, teaching etc., singlehandedly and is maybe
holding down a job at the same time, mostly can't be bothered
with doctor's visits for herself. Consequently, all these
years later, it is a wise woman who, having time on her
hands, albeit that she is getting older and would like to
slow down, will make work for herself, even if it is unpaid
voluntary work. If she wishes to become a professional
grandmother, it might give her great satisfaction as she goes
to help first one married daughter, then the next. However,
there will be days when she does not feel like going, or days
when she is not needed, as her children have gone to the in-
laws or on vacation. And what then?
Slowly, imperceptively, a note of concern creeps into your
children's voices when they ring you. A woman tried to ring
her elderly mother during a fierce snowstorm. After several
hours, the mother finally answered the phone. This distraught
young woman asked rather crossly, "Mom, where were
you?"
The reply? "Look, darling, I don't ask you where you go. What
gives you a right to interrogate me?"
A woman in Bnei Brak lost her husband when she still had a
few young children in the house. Her nest was only half empty
at the time. Hagaon R' Shach zt'l sent a message to
the older children during the shiva that he was too
frail to come and see them but that they should all come to
him when they got up. Respectfully, they went to see him as
he had asked, accompanied by the mother who stood at a
respectful distance while he spoke to them. He told them
firmly that they were to go to their own homes, yes, every
one of them. Their mother was quite capable of looking after
herself in her own house. Secondly, she did not need help in
bringing up the youngest children. She had managed with all
of them and would manage the little ones too, without sibling
interference.
This caring attitude on the part of your adult children,
although it may be superfluous for many years, is a
heartwarming gesture. Unlike in former years, when the
affection and concern were largely one-sided, now that they
are parents, they appreciate all that they have received.
Most people delight in the care and interest which others
show them, but one is inclined to become too dependent on the
daughter's approval. It happens all the time that mothers
voice an opinion and then add the rider, "Even (so-and-so)
agrees." It is a sign that their self confidence is
waning.
Therefore, if at all possible, make a good life for
yourselves, as if you were newlyweds. It takes a great deal
of will power to do all the things which you were always
going to do "when you had the time." If you had really wanted
to do them, you would have somehow found time during the
children's teen years. However, there might be some hidden
talent which a woman could develop, something she enjoyed
before she got married.
The empty nest syndrome applies to women, really, as a man's
life goes on much as it did before the children left home.
Instead of bemoaning the fact that the house is empty, we
must constantly remember to express our gratitude to the
Creator that He gave us children in the first place and
helped us marry them off.
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