"I very much enjoy your Family Page and hope more readers
will respond to certain family issues," writes R. Weberman.
She continues with
Sensitivity -- The Spartan Way or the Jewish Way
Webster's Dictionary describes a Spartan as "a native or
inhabitant of ancient Sparta (Greece), a person of great
courage and fortitude." As an adjective, spartan means
"marked by strict self-discipline or denial... undaunted by
pain or danger."
However, Rabbi Freidner, in his History of the Jewish
People -- the Second Temple Era says, "Sparta was ruled
by a rigid military regime. Almost all of its male citizens
were soldiers who spent most of their lives in military camp.
At an early age, boys were taken from their mothers and given
military training; they were taught the use of arms and were
hardened to the utmost of their physical endurance. Each
infant was examined at birth for physical fitness. If he
showed promising signs of future military usefulness, well
and good. But if not, he was thrown away to die in an open
field."
These were the Spartans. We don't need to emulate "Spartan
frugality" just as we don't emulate "German efficiency" or
"Arab hospitality." The Jewish way is full of love and
compassion. The seeds of a warm, caring and nurturing person
are planted in the child when he is very young. Rav
Sheinberg, shlita, in Heart to Heart Talks says
the Torah a mother teaches her children is her
chessed. When she is warm and compassionate, she
teaches her children chessed and in turn, they will
grow up to be warm, sensitive, kind adults.
When a child falls and hurts himself or is not feeling well,
this is a good opportunity to give him extra love and
attention. We can say, "Let me see your knee," or "How did it
happen?" "Where does it hurt?" We can wash his cut and
explain how a cut must be kept clean and then put on a Band-
Aid, which children love (to show their friends). Even if the
fall was light with no injury, still the child feels a little
embarrassed or unsteady and can use a little comforting.
Giving a lot of love, warmth and attention to a child creates
a very strong sense of security in the child which stays with
him throughout his life.
If we saw our friend trip and fall on the sidewalk, we would
run to her and help her up and ask, "Are you alright?" We
would stay with her until she regained her equilibrium. We
would show emotion that we are really concerned that she is
not hurt. We'd help her dust off her jacket and straighten
her headgear. We wouldn't just give her a pat on the head and
continue on our way.
When a mother says to a child who is upset about something,
"Does it really matter?" what does this imply? That she
regards her child's feelings, disappointments and problems as
unimportant. If a daughter is upset over getting a 75 on a
test instead of an expected 95, this is a real disappointment
for her. On a scale of importance, her success in English may
rate an 8, while in her mother's eyes it is no more than a 2.
The reverse may be true of a bank overdraft!
Mothers should not trivialize children's falls,
disappointments and pains. There is nothing wrong with going
to doctors and getting second and third opinions. Even an
ingrown toenail can develop into a serious infection. Mothers
who regularly shlep their children to doctors are to be
admired. "Better to be safe than sorry."
In his book "Kindness," Rabbi Pliskin describes how
important it is for a person to have compassion and to
actively work on developing this trait. "When someone sees
you are trying to help him, he feels pleasure that there is
someone who cares enough about him to try. He is not alone.
...Listening to someone is a great act of kindness. It is an
act of respect." We don't need to overreact, but we do need
to give a thoughtful response.
A thoughtful response from the editor:
I think that we'll just stick to the dictionary's adjective
definition, forget about Spartan with the capital S and focus
on the positive aspects of spartanism and stoicism (which is
also derived from a capital S).
Each of the seventy nations on earth have a specific task in
the world and each have a certain characteristic or lesson to
impart to mankind. The trouble with goyim is that they
take things to an extreme and bring about their own downfall,
leaving the world with a half baked message.
"Yaft Elokim leYefet" was a praise and a blessing for
the arts which the Greeks and Romans promoted. They overdid
it and what remains are the ruins of the Colosseum etc. We
can extract their love for beauty and transpose it to our
avodas Hashem by beautifying our places of worship and
the tashmishei kedusha of our daily and seasonal
lives. But we must not go overboard.
The Germans were sticklers for discipline, order,
punctiliousness and punctuality, all excellent and very
admirable traits. We all know what happened when they took
themselves too seriously and went much too far. But what
about those exemplary traits as they filtered into German
Jewry? I stand in awe at Yekkishe perseverence, attention to
halachic detail, self discipline, precision and all that is
good in this national character. Many German Jews have
succeeded in extracting the good and shucking the chaff.
Ever feel the ambiguous attitude Israelis have towards
Americans? Admiration at their scope, generosity and caring,
energy, openness, willingness to try new things and the dozen
other traits we share. Then there are the `natives' who think
we are too naively generous, too energetic, too careless,
open, communally concerned at the expense of order in our own
homes, opt too often for fun with the kids at the expense of
an immaculate home.
Analyze each country where Jews have resided -- and Moshiach
will not arrive, it has been said, until they have inhabited
the remotest outpost in the world (there are plenty of Jews
in Alaska, even a good number of baalei tshuva!) --
you will see the worthwhile traits that they have succeeded
in distilling from the goyim.
Aren't we supposed to learn determination from Amolek, who
`jumped into the boiling bathtub'? And what's wrong with a
reminder of modesty or hospitality from the Arabs? We've got
to do it leshem Shomayim, but we can't deny what's
there.
Let's take the example of the Russian aliya. Can't we
see the good points as well as the bad ones, and wouldn't it
be worthwhile to turn the clock back to that turn-of-the-
century scholastic discipline, respect for authority and so
on?
Being spartan is an excellent thing to emulate, in my eyes,
in this cream-puff era. We've taken American materialism and
pursuit of comfort beyond its proper measure. We are
overspoiled to the point where we have to be umbilically
connected by cellphones, have to have instant information,
instant painkillers, door-to-door service, central heating
and central air-conditioning, everything ticking and talking
like digital clockwork. We don't even dial the phone anymore!
(Remember the dial? Ask a child why they call it
lechayeg and they won't even know!)
Of course we have to love our children and comfort them when
they cry or ache, that is part of our chessed
heritage. But we mustn't overdo the pampering; we must teach
them how to absorb pain and how to use it as a tool to
become stronger people and closer to Hashem, because we will
not always be around to buffer it. We must prepare them to
live a life of Kiddush Hashem, sacrifice, and not to avoid
hardships if they come our way but be thankful for them as
well.
*
RE: ABSENTEE HOSPITALITY
As a young housewife who puts up her neighbors' and
acquaintances' guests many Shabbosim, I feel obligated to
protest the manner in which the writer from Ashdod presents
her gripes. True, it's sometimes difficult to prepare the
apartment, especially if people ask to use it every time we
go away. In my opinion, I have the right to refuse when it is
very difficult for me to put up guests, no matter what the
reason. Refusing may be unpleasant but refusals can be stated
graciously and convincingly.
All this is a far cry from the extreme examples quoted, such
as "every guest leaves his unfamiliar odor for two days" or
kids leaving fingerprints all over the place. I usually
encounter families who are very careful with other people's
belongings, some even extremely so.
(And another reply:)
I understand the writer of the letter. Tactless people who
dig into the private corners of their host's home are very
annoying and disconcerting. But that isn't a satisfactory
reason to refuse to give one's apartment for a Shabbos.
Today, when gedolei Yisroel constantly remind us that
we will be redeemed in the merit of chessed, we should
be glad for the opportunity of letting our homes do it in our
stead, while we are away. And if for that purpose we must
clean a bit more, we have profited doubly.
Generally, most guests try to leave the house as they found
it, sometimes leaving a warm `thank you' note, too. But even
if they don't, don't take it to heart. Chessed has its
ups and downs. Do gemach administrators close shop
because of a few inconsiderate, vociferous and demanding
borrowers, or others who don't abide by the terms and rules?
If you consider the gain, your loss will be
counterbalanced.
