Part II
In Part I we discussed positive self-statements in
recognizing areas of anger and heading them off. Then we
showed how to substitute positive thoughts in changing the
locked sequence of Thought/ Feelings/ Action/ Consequence
through charts, and seeing the constructive difference this
can effect through actual examples.
Self Appraisal and Encouragement
Positive self appraisal influences anger control according to
research, as part of Ray Navoco's Stress Inoculation Program
(a program which has proven to be successful in teaching
trainees the appropriate use of self statements in anger
control). This has proven that a person's self evaluation and
self-statements following a challenging event can affect that
person's ability to control his anger. A person who is very
demanding of himself and "beats himself up" will tend to
become hopeless and "lose it." This type of person tells
himself he is a terrible person as a result of his child's
behavior or that he is a rotten parent at the end of a
challenging day.
When things get difficult, he may become more negative and
become convinced that he can't handle the situation properly.
Things may seem to be "all or nothing -- either I have
succeeded or I have failed." This all-or- nothing type of
thinking will lead to depression and anger and a feeling of
loss of control. On the other hand, if a person learns to
encourage his successes and sees improvement and coping as
victories, he will tend to continue in a positive direction
and most likely see improvements in his own and his child's
behavior.
It is therefore important to use positive self- statements
for self encouragement in dealing with challenging
situations. As a person changes his self talk regarding his
child's behavior, he should also encourage himself for all
improvements in his self control. If a parent is able to
change his thoughts from "I can't take this. I must teach
him; he deserves to be punished" to "I can cope with this
situation. It's hard but I can get through it. Punishing him
and violence will not help. I can stay in control," this
parent is showing confidence in his own ability to stay in
control.
Furthermore, as he sees he is able to control his behavior
even marginally better than before, he can tell himself after
the event, "I managed to stay in control in a tough
situation," or "I got through a very challenging day without
blowing up. I controlled my anger." "I may have yelled a bit
but I did not hit. I'm doing better than before." "I didn't
get pulled into a confrontation." "I stayed away from
`avoda zara' [equated by Chazal with getting angry]."
Or "It wasn't that bad; next time will be better."
When a parent learns to encourage his successes, he is laying
the foundation for his child's success as well. These
`coping' self-statements, when said aloud, model positive
self esteem and the ability to cope with confrontation and
teach children how to avoid perfectionist thought and
behavior. Not all of the positive self-statements that a
parent uses following and after a challenging situation can
be said aloud but some can. It is helpful for a child to hear
his parent coping successfully with challenges. The
statements to be said in front of a child can be chosen
carefully and will likely help parents stay in control in
order to model appropriate self talk and anger control.
Health and Relaxation
Parents often lose control when they are exhausted and tense.
For this reason, proper rest and relaxation may help to
prevent explosions in some cases. When parents make their own
physical and mental health a priority, they are helping their
families as well.
Repetition of positive self-statements may be accompanied by
a relaxation tape which helps a person to relax his muscles
and mind before changing his negative thoughts to more
positive ones. A tape with progressive muscle relaxation and
guided imagery can be very helpful when listened to on a
regular basis. Deep breathing can also be very helpful during
times of stress. It is often wise to remove oneself from a
confrontation by leaving the room, taking some deep breaths
and counting to 10 (20 or...).
Anger is an ongoing challenge for many people, especially for
parents of large families. Parents who learn to change their
self-statements will have a tool which will serve them well
in their efforts to control their anger. It is important to
learn to recognize even small successes and encourage oneself
using "coping" self-statements. This will teach children to
do the same and will help to increase happiness and success
on the road to self control and all other endeavors.
[Masha Wolf is available for consultation, play therapy and
guidance to parents. 02-656-2172]
