People often exclaim about a son or a daughter, "He is so
good to his parents," or "She is such a wonderful daughter."
Unfortunately, it is a fact that an ailing parent can be
quite a strain on a family, especially if there are many
young children. However, everyone should remember that it is
a privilege, a zechus, to look after a parent. The
more difficult it may seem at times, the greater the merit.
Nevertheless, the fact remains that it can be extremely
difficult tending a parent who suffers from senile dementia
or Alzheimer's. It can be just as trying to have a healthy,
dictatorial parent who lives with a family.
Having an aged parent living in the house has a very positive
effect on the children. The parent, who is frequently not
completely lucid and may behave in a socially unacceptable
way, will let the child help him and coax him to eat or go to
sleep etc. Most people have heard the famous story of the
wooden bowl. How a man served his father from a wooden bowl
because he was afraid the old man would break his good china.
When he finally put the father into a home, the small son
took the bowl into the attic and said, "I shall save this for
when you are old, Daddy. Then I will give it to you."
Many families automatically do the right thing for the
parent. Whether a mother suffers from Alzheimer's or has had
a stroke, the children have to decide what is to become of
her. Should she be looked after by carers in her own home?
Should she come to live with one of them? Would she be better
off in an old age home? We need much thought and heavenly
assistance to make the correct decision for each individual
case.
A person who has had a stroke and is physically completely
disabled, might be perfectly lucid. To put such a person into
an old age home will be very difficult, because a completely
disabled person is automatically put into the ward where
residents need watching for 24 hours a day. (In Israel they
use the term `siyudi,' which does not translate more
accurately into English than `supportive care.')
One family sold the mother's home and with the money, put her
into an old age home. Her speech was poor and she was
paralyzed, but her mind was clear. The children popped in for
a few minutes each day and it took them a while to realize
that the poor woman was incarcerated with a dozen senile
ladies who could not speak intelligently. Nor did the staff
do anything for her. This prestigious Home had a quite rapid
turnover of residents!
The family now realized they had made a mistake and one of
the sons who had a larger apartment than the others took his
mother in. They lost a room and the married children could
not come to stay anymore, unless a neighbor happened to be
away for the weekend. The daughter-in-law was rather
housebound now, as she did not want to leave the lady with
carers for any length of time, and the younger children had
far less of her time. But the whole family benefited by
having Bubbie in the house for several years. She would not
have survived for all those years had she remained in the
Home.
Children accept the grandparent for what s/he is and will
love him for what s/he was. The son or daughter might find it
difficult to come to terms with the fact that the parent has
become like this, and they get impatient. Furthermore,
siblings who do not have the privilege of looking after the
parent might find themselves criticizing the way the parent
is being cared for. They would be well advised to be careful
about what they say or do!
A woman lost her husband and the children all wanted to `look
after' her. Till then, she had been looking after herself and
her ailing husband. One son insisted that she come to stay
with him and treated her like royalty, as did his children.
He told her she might as well sleep in his house, as it was
not good for her to be alone. Her food was provided for her
and the efficient daughter-in-law took care of all her other
needs.
The woman stayed in bed half the day, as there was nothing to
get up for. One daughter who lived nearby saw her mother
deteriorating rapidly. She asked the mother to come and stay
with her for a while to help out. She asked her to do the
shopping and cook the meals for the family while she was at
work.
The brother was deeply resentful of his sister's lack of
filial respect. He had really wanted to do what was best for
his mother and accord her the respect due to her. But the
mother was rejuvenated when she went to stay with this
daughter and felt she was needed and useful. Unfortunately,
there is a definite rift in this family now.
Many girls who get married and move to a different town or
even to a different country miss their mothers exceedingly.
In spite of telephones and fax machines, Mommy isn't next
door. When Miriam's parents decided to move to the town where
she lived, the young woman was ecstatic. However, shortly
after the move, Miriam's father died. They decided to build a
granny flat with its own separate front door and get the
mother to live with them.
Mother agreed, and in theory, it should have been an idyllic
life. One day, the mother told her amazed daughter that she
was planning to remarry and Miriam was rather hurt. She knew
that her feelings were unjustified, but she felt that her
mother should have consulted her and not have confronted her
with a fait accompli. Furthermore, she had thought her mother
was so happy in the granny flat, after all the trouble they
had gone to, so why did she want to leave? This story had a
happy ending because after many years of a happy second
marriage, the mother became ill and Miriam was able to look
after her with love and devotion, and treated her mother's
husband as a respected guest.
One large family had an aging father who had a stroke. They
tried to organize a rota to be with him in the hospital, and
the main responsibility (no, it is not a `burden' to look
after a parent) fell on the one daughter who had no children.
The siblings discounted the fact that this woman was head of
a school and was very involved with community work. They all
assumed that she had `nothing to do' all day while they were
busy with their large families.
Stories abound of ill feeling and mutual acrimony when
parents become sick. But there are just as many stories of
accord and mutual amity among siblings when a parent falls
sick and/or is unable to make decisions. We pray regularly
and the older we get, with more fervor, "Al tashlicheini
l'eis zikno -- Don't discard me in old age." Some people
translate this literally as, "Don't throw me out; let me get
to old age slowly."
Everyone wants to get old, but nobody wants to be old.
May we all age gracefully and remain independent, with full
command of our minds and bodies to serve Hashem to the end of
our days.
