To his teacher he is a wild nuisance. To me, he is a
vivacious joy.
To her brother she is a whiny pest. To me, she is an
expressive orator.
To me, it is a deafening racket. To my children, it is a
melodious tune.
The famous story is brought down of the tzaddik who
was walking together with some other talmidei
chachamim, when they came upon a dog's carcass. The
companions expressed revulsion. The tzaddik
commented, "But how white are his teeth."
We all have eyes that physically see in the same way. Maybe
one person is a little more near-sighted, another far-
sighted. But basically when two people view a situation,
they see the same physical structures. So why is it that we
all view things so differently?
The distinction takes place in the inner eye, the way the
brain processes what the eyes have seen. Using previous
experience, observations of others in similar situations, and
personal inclination, we come up with a picture in our mind
of what we are viewing, basically our interpretation of what
we saw. If we have had positive experiences in this
situation, have seen others handle this circumstance well,
and/or have an easy-going nature, then regarding our state of
affairs in a positive light will come easily.
But for others, who have not dealt well with this situation
before, have seen others react negatively in such
circumstances, and have a more anxious personality, viewing
the condition as negative comes extremely naturally.
What about those of us who are a mixture of the above
personalities, or even fit more into the second category? Do
we have any hope (as my dear aunt used to sing) to
"accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, hold on to
the affirmative, don't mess around with Mr. In-Between"?
Modern psychology has coined a term for the tool that
tzaddik looking at the dog's white teeth used many
years ago: reframing. It is, as the word itself implies,
taking a picture, removing its dusty, old, overly familiar
frame and replacing it with a shiny, sparkling, cheerful
frame. Suddenly, the whole picture looks different. We may
even wonder if it is actually the same picture that was in
the previous frame. Why did I never notice those soft waves,
or the brilliant sunset in that picture? The shimmering new
frame brings out the best in that old picture.
We too have the tools to reframe, even if we don't own a
frame shop. In Rav Zelig Pliskin's books, he delineates many
means to viewing life more positively. Here are a few of
them:
One reframe that many find useful is finding something good
that will result from the situation. For example, a family
made plans to make a picnic outing at the new playground a
few blocks away. The mother has arranged her whole day
around this plan. She did all of her chores in the morning,
cleaned the house, and made sandwiches to take along. The
children told their friends in school, and the baby even took
an extra-long nap, eliminating the need for her afternoon
nap. Just as they were about to step outside, the sky turned
black, opened up, and poured buckets. All plans down the
drain.
The children start pouting and then fighting with each other.
The mother sighs deeply and feels her pulse accelerating, as
2-year-old Shmuely climbs onto the table and leaps into the
air. Then she stops herself and thinks, "What good can come
out of this?" Well, one thing is that her house is clean,
sandwiches are made, no work to do this afternoon. What a
good opportunity to just sit on the couch and play with the
kids. How often does she have the chance to enjoy the whole
afternoon without worrying about dinner or thinking about the
load of laundry waiting to be folded? Maybe they will even
take out the old photo albums.
There are so many sudden changes in plans and other times
when hopes are not realized. By focusing on the future, we
can turn disappointments into opportunities.
Another useful reframe is remembering "gam zeh
ya'avor, this too will pass." When we are in the middle
of a stressful situation, we tend to feel that life will
continue this way forever. When a family member is ill,
lo aleinu, or a child is going through a difficult
stage, shidduchim are not working out, or financial
pressures are high, it may seem like we are stuck in a never-
ending situation. But if we look back at our past, we will
notice that circumstances that seemed hopeless actually
passed. Afterwards, we became so occupied with other
situations that we did not even realize that we had overcome
the difficulties. Reflecting on the past and imagining that
the present is also gone may help us to cope with life's
challenges.
Difficult life situations breed growth. This reframe
challenges us to use our present difficulty as a step towards
self-improvement. Take the example of a man (let's call him
Boruch) who has a co-worker (Yanky) who is not easy to get
along with. Most people at work actually go out of their way
to avoid Yanky, but because they share an office, avoidance
is not an option for Boruch. Boruch decides to take his
association with Yanky as a chance to work on his
patience.
Yanky has some annoying habits, such as clearing his throat
every few minutes and throwing garbage straight onto the
floor. Instead of losing his cool, Boruch waits patiently
until the one day when Yanky does not throw anything his way.
At the end of the day, Boruch put his arm around Yanky and
thanked him for being so careful to aim his garbage into the
can. He told him that he appreciated the thoughtfulness.
After this incident, Yanky's trash always made it into the
bin, and Boruch felt like he had climbed Mt. Everest for
handling the situation so calmly and patiently.
The important point to note is that had it not been for
Yanky's problematic personality, Boruch never would have
refined his middos to this degree. By reframing the
situation, Boruch actually elevated himself.
These are just a few of the many ways to take tricky
situations and turn them around. Taking a new look at old
pictures, with an improved frame, will add contentment and
peace to our lives. And even though at first, changing
thought patterns may seem impossible, with continuous
practice and deliberation, reframing will come more
naturally.
