Some yeshiva students were busy packing their belongings to
take home for the Pesach vacation. Suddenly, one of them
asked his roommate, "In your house, do you have credit
wars?"
In typical Jewish fashion, the question was answered with
another question. "Credit wars? What do you mean by that?"
The first boy responded, "You know. I cleaned almost the
whole children's room and my brother Tzvi got all the
credit."
What ensued was a lively discussion among the boys of how one
feels when he has invested maximum effort into helping around
the house, only to find a sibling garnering the `credit' for
his achievements.
Picture the scene. Just before bedtime, Mother tells four of
the older children to straighten up the dining room while she
pays a bikur cholim visit. The girls know what is
involved. All of the homework has to find its way to the
backpacks, which then have to be returned to the rack near
the front door.
The books have to go back to their shelves and the toys to
the toy boxes. The snacks have to be returned to the kitchen
and the dishes that were used must be washed and dried. The
clothes that the little ones slipped out of as they put on
their pajamas have to be brought to the laundry porch.
Sarah is an energetic girl and she gets to work, doing most
of the tasks while Rivka and Leah are arguing about who did
what last night. In the meantime, Rochel is lying on the
couch, reading a magazine.
Sarah finishes all of the above mentioned jobs, sweeps, and
ducks into the kitchen to deposit the broom and dustpan next
to the fridge. Just then, Mother returns and observes Rivka
and Leah still fighting, and Rochel bringing the magazine to
the bookshelf. All that Mother sees is two squabbling
sisters, one girl absent and the last apparently working.
"Rochel," she says with great affection, "thank you so much
for cleaning the room. It looks beautiful. I am so proud of
you."
Sarah hears all of this from the kitchen but it's too late.
The `credit' has already been given out. Tomorrow she won't
be so eager to clean up. She will leave the work to Rochel
who is Mommy's darling, anyhow.
*
Parents try to catch their children engaging in proper
behavior and to reinforce that behavior with praise. However,
the scenario that was just described shows how difficult it
is to know who is deserving of praise and when.
There are more effective ways to motivate children and
teenagers to help with housework, child care, shopping,
laundry and cooking. One of the most popular devices is a
star chart. The parents prepare a chart with the names of all
the participating children, and blank spaces to fill with
stars or other stickers.
The parents hold a conference with each child and tell
him/her the age-appropriate ways in which he can earn stars,
the number of stars that can be earned for each helpful
activity, and the redemption value of each star. They also
set a deadline for accumulating stars, such as end of the
school year or end of summer vacation.
For example, for an eight-year-old, taking a load of dry
laundry off the line and folding it will merit one star.
Taking a toddler to the park and watching her for an hour is
worth 3 stars. Washing the supper dishes earns 2 stars. Forty
stars can be redeemed for a Rosh Chodesh afternoon outing
with Mommy. Ten stars can buy a new hair ornament, while
sixty stars buy a new Shabbos blouse.
For a yeshiva boy, cleaning a window, inside and out, net-two
stars; helping a brother prepare for a test earns four stars
per hour. Fifty stars will buy a sefer and 80 stars, a
two-volume set, etc.
The children get a feeling of accomplishment as they see the
number of stars or points next to their names grow,
especially as they begin to fill the spaces allotted to them
and they can envision what they will `buy' with their
stars.
However, the whole system can break down if the parents are
not vigilant in crediting each child with the exact number of
stars that has been earned each day. Ideally, each child
should have an evening mini-conference with a parent or older
sibling to report the day's activities and then see the stars
affixed to the chart. The chart can be designed as a train,
with each child getting a car.
In addition to household chores, we used our family chart for
middos improvement. We had a private talk with each of
our children and decided which trait he wanted to work on
that year. None of the family members were aware of the fact
that one was working on controlling his anger and another was
trying not to be so sensitive to criticism. At the end of the
day, each child reported -- again privately -- his
achievements in middos improvement as well as his
completed jobs, and received his stars.
In our house, we put up a Menora chart right after Pesach,
giving each child a branch of the candelabra. The stars were
redeemed just before Chanuka and the children could buy
things for themselves. The completed chart stayed on the
kitchen wall for everyone to admire until it was removed to
wash the wall for Pesach.
When children earn outings, special clothing, books or other
possessions, they appreciate these things far more than when
they are given them gratis. In addition, earning stars
fostered a feeling of accomplishment which, in turn, boosted
self esteem.
Last but not least, the children saw that their parents were
aware of all of the helpful activities that they had
accomplished. They felt they were finally winning the credit
war!
