An Open Letter to All Good Women:
from an appreciative YATED reader
I recently underwent a major crisis and dramatic change of
status from proud independence (I thought) to forced
recipient of human kindness. After much reflection on the
most pitiful human state, loneliness, I would like to share
my observations on
SUCCESSFUL CHESSED or HOW TO BE A REAL FRIEND
It may seem heartwarming to offer a person in some form of
distress a global, "I am here for you, day and night...
anything you want. Don't hesitate..." But it won't ring true
if unaccompanied by practical action. Save her pride, don't
wait for her to ask. She may not. But she will definitely
appreciate some short-term practical assistance.
Jump in! Try!
* I'm doing school rota anyway...
* I always bake/cook in bulk.
* I'm going to the supermarket / post office / library for
myself.
* I'm at home entertaining my tot, in any case. What's a
couple more?
* I need to help you to help me feel better. Please let me do
it. When I was down, others helped me. Now it's my turn.
Or -- don't say anything. Just do.
*
She may need advice in areas she didn't deal with before --
bills, benefits, business. If you can, teach her the basics
as you get it sorted (after a grieving and breathing period,
of course). Involve others, if necessary, very discreetly.
She needs to learn independence.
NEVER take it for granted she has enough family and friends.
No such thing! Nor assume you're not close enough (flimsy
excuse).
DO NOT underestimate your potential input. You can be a
lifesaver -- literally. Practically and emotionally.
KEEP IT UP as long as you can. Even if it's a huge strain and
she's down longer than you imagined, she will, please G-d,
rise to her new role. Time is a healer.
KEEP sharing your life issues with her so she doesn't get
`tripped' in her troubles. Let her do things back for you, if
she offers.
DON'T let her grieve too long, alone. Give her space, as much
as she needs, but keep calling her and reminding her that you
and others care and are missing her in the social milieu.
Eventually, offer to go with her or take her with you to any
current events, classes, even local simchas etc.
DON'T BE PUT OFF if she sometimes --
seems ungracious / doesn't reach back / doesn't have strength
(emotional or physical) / seems to take you for granted /
doesn't want things done your way / turns to others, too /
turns to others over you / doesn't share / shares too much
Just be there unconditionally, nonjudgmentally. Life is a
cycle. Don't wait till you're down to learn the hard way.
Sensitive, intuitive friendship can change the whole face of
a nisoyon.
AND ANOTHER LETTER, which we disagree with...
In the column, DECISIONS, DECISIONS (Parshas Bamidbar), the
writer refers to "people who ask a Rov about even trivial
matters. They are putting the onus on another person and thus
feel that this was decided from Heaven. And if things go
wrong, it was a Heavenly decree..."
Such an outlook begs a response. The true reason people ask a
Rov any question is not to relieve themselves of
responsibility but to obtain daas Torah. They want to
know, "What does Hashem want me to do in this situation?"
Every action, every decision has significance. By seeking
daas Torah we are ... kept from sin, we are following
our leaders by seeking their counsel and heeding it even if
our feelings dictate a different direction.
Since, obviously, the more a person does the will of Hashem,
the more praiseworthy s/he is, whenever there is a question
as to what that will is in a particular circumstance, one
should consult daas Torah.
D.R.
Bnei Brak
D.eaR.
There are questions and there are questions. And there are
nudniks. Ask any Rov.
There are people who refuse to think for themselves and to be
mature enough to take responsibility for certain things in
life that do not need the `specialist's opinion. We are not
talking about the choice of a cheder for a child or
leaving Eretz Yisroel or kollel for a livelihood etc.
but of mundane decisions that could and should be made on
one's own without bothering the poor, overworked daas
Torah rabbonim.
Then there are the people who play what one rosh yeshiva
termed, `rabbinical roulette.' They will ask daas
Torah, but not only one opinion. They will make the
rounds until they get the answer that pleases them and will,
pardon the expression, manipulate their words until the
phrasing begs for the answer they wish to hear. Or they will
say, "I didn't come for a psak, only for advice," and
go ahead and do what they wanted to do in the first place.
Well meaning, sincere people, to be sure.
I have asked the author of the article for her reply. Here
it is:
I have consulted daas Torah in this matter and was
told that it was not a good idea to publish a reply.
Nevertheless...
There IS no rejoinder. The article was written without any
intention of offending. As mentioned, there are those who
consult their Rov about very trivial [Ed. or halachically
irrelevant] matters. Like this question: "What does Hashem
want me to do? Buy a living room set or an eight-seater van?"
[If you can afford only one, make your own decision and be
happy with it.]
Everything we do in life can be a mitzva, whether it
is cooking a meal for the family or changing a diaper. Do we
need to draw our happiness from the fact that a Rov tells us
we are doing the right thing? By the time we have grown into
an adult, we should have the self-confidence to know how to
conduct our lives in `trivial' matters, even though we do not
know how much reward we will merit in the World to Come.
However, if D.R. is one of these people who relies heavily on
her spiritual mentor, this will not change her lifestyle.
Sometimes, though, she should give a thought to whether this
is a question of daas Torah or a symbolic pat on the
head.
A. Ross
And back to your editor
This phenomenon actually goes back to the time of Moshe
Rabbenu. When told by Hashem to appoint Yehoshua as his
successor, he is told to warn him that the Jewish people are
tardonim.
We can see this in both the negative and positive way. It is
certainly good to rely on one's halachic authority. Like the
story of the woman who rushed into R' Shmuel Salant's beis
midrosh demanding an answer to an urgent question. Her
cat had fallen into a can of milk. Was it -- the cat -- to be
considered milky?
Successfully suppressing a smile, R' Shmuel took down a
volume or two and pretended to look up the matter in all
seriousness, finally `ruling' that the cat was not milky.
After she left, his disciples wondered at the time he had
devoted to this klotz-kasha, and this was his
reply:
"Her shayla this time was meaningless. But I had to
relate to it seriously because who knows what real question
she will come up with next time?"
Of course, most questions are real and valid. MY PLEA to
those tardonim is to LIMIT THE TIME THEY SPEND by the
Rov and have consideration for his time and patience. If you
are a steady asker, 1) time yourself and give yourself a
limit 2) don't ask the same question more than once. Once
you've gotten your answer, accept it without further
clarification. Rely on that answer. After all, it is daas
Torah, which can be equivalent to the Rov's blessing.
Also hoping we haven't insulted anyone, just given a good
tip.
Some More Tips
by Rifca Goldberg
6. During those special calendar days, like Rosh Chodesh or
Esseres Yemei Tshuva, you have special additional passages to
say, which you often forget. My solution: I highlight them in
my siddur or bencher with a yellow high
lighter. It makes all the difference!
7. A beautiful idea that a friend of mine puts into practice
is to have a special small photo album just for a picture of
each of her children when they are around 6-8 months holding
the same item. She has them holding a sign with the family
name on it, but it could be anything. It's really special to
be able to compare who looks like whom etc.
8. I'm left-handed. When a right-handed person taught me how
to knit, I simply couldn't get the tension right. After weeks
of trying and failing, I finally put my chair facing hers so
that we were mirror images, and I learned to do with my left
hand what she was doing with her right hand! It worked
wonderfully! [So how many frustrated left-handed knitters
have we saved today?]
9. Elastic can be very handy for fixing clothing. The apron
strap that goes around my neck kept ripping. Finally, rather
than sewing it again, I sewed a two inch long piece of
elastic from the strip to the apron. Now, when I pull my
apron over my head, the straps stretch rather than rip.
Use your imagination. This hint can help with a large variety
of clothing.
[Ed. My mother ob'm was a professional seamstress, but
it was on a visit here that she discovered an excellent
gadget for stringing elastic through waistbands etc. It
looks like a large needle with a big eye. You force the
elastic down `into' the needle which clamps on it and it's
smooth sailing from then on. In Hebrew: Mashchil l'gumi /
kfitz l'gumi. I think it's made in England.]
10. Have you ever had half a can of tomato sauce go fuzzy in
the fridge? Even though we have a large family, this scenario
repeats itself, much to my exasperation, and I refuse to buy
the tiny cans.
Here's one solution: I freeze the contents of the can in
sandwich bags in thin layers which I score with a knife so
that I can break off the exact amount I need each time.
Thanks, Rifca.
MORE TIPS
Fill a soda bottle one third full of water and put in
freezer. This way, you'll always have a source of instant
cool drinks without having to store quantities of bottles in
the fridge. Even carbonated drinks can be poured in for
instant cooling.
