Ever since human beings were created in the world, there have
been different ways of giving and different reasons for
giving. Cain thought it advisable to give a gift to his
Creator. Hevel, seeing this, wanted to give something,
too.
Some people give to pay for kindnesses or favors received. R'
Matisyohu Salamon, Mashgiach of Lakewood, claims that this
is, in effect, ingratitude. You don't want to be beholden to
a person. You feel that by buying a gift, the score is now
equal. The slate is wiped clean. You don't own your
benefactor any gratitude any more. You are unable to receive
favors because you only want to be on the giving side. You
are giving for your own benefit. Others might give because
they feel it is expedient: perhaps to a teacher, Rebbi,
principal or an employer. Once again, this giving is actually
for your own benefit. You hope to get something out of it. If
a child feels his teacher is picking on him, as might the
employee, the gift could perhaps make a difference. Or an end-
of-the-year gift to the principal might tip the scales for
your next child to be accepted at the institution.
Yet a third group gives, usually to a child, because they
can't withstand the constant nagging and feel this is the
easiest way out. Or because you `have' to give the teacher at
the end of the year. These people do not want to give. They
are, rather, forced into it. It is a foolish woman indeed who
cannot face the screams of her son in the shop and succumbs
to his demands for a particular toy or cake. If she does it
once, she is lost. Admittedly, it is hard, especially when
you feel accusing stares of other shoppers boring into your
back. If she gives way, she is giving for herself, for her
own peace and quiet. It is NOT a kindness to the child. When
she gets home, she can explain the position to the child when
he has calmed down, and give him an ultimatum. Would he like
her to go when he is at school next time, or is he prepared
to behave?
The ones who have to give the teacher something at the end of
the year may very likely fob him off with some `white
elephant.' They don't particularly want to give, so anything
will do. Note the linseed Cain gave.
Some mothers were deprived of toys or sweets as children.
They have an urge to make sure that their own child, and
grandchildren, too, never suffer the same deprivation. When
they shower their grand/children with candies, is it for the
children or for themselves? When they give expensive toys to
their children, is it for the play value? Do the children
really need those toys? Or are the donors actually pandering
to their own craving? They may well find that the carton or
wrapping in which this toy arrives had more play value than
the actual toy! They really do want to give, but for what
reason?
One type of person gives because he really want to give. The
story goes that someone passed a poor man in the street and
gave him a coin. A moment later, he retraced his steps and
gave him another coin. When questioned, he replied, "The
first time I felt sorry for him, so it was actually for
myself. The second time I gave him, I did not feel sorry for
him. I just wanted to do a chessed."
A girl works selflessly for weeks on end, helping to prepare
for her sister's wedding. She looks after the younger
siblings, runs messages, and is generally invaluable around
the house. After the wedding, her parents present her with an
unexpected gift. Just to thank her and show their
appreciation. They wanted to give something, not because they
felt under an obligation; they just felt an urge to give.
Amongst this group of people are some who love to give, but
only to their own immediate family. Is this the best kind of
giving? Does charity really begin in the home? On the other
side of the coin are those who take for granted the
kindnesses and help provided by members of the family.
Some parents of only children seem to shower the child with
toys in an effort to compensate for the lack of company. Or
perhaps they feel that he may as well benefit from the fact
that he does not have to share with others. The most likely
reason of all is that they want to give. An unmarried woman
in her late seventies used to give her neighbor's child
presents regularly. When the parents felt somewhat
uncomfortable about it, she answered in her sweet way, "I
have to give presents to someone."
Like most character traits, generosity is partly genetic and
largely education. I have a portable sewing machine. It
doesn't improve from being lent out. Do I have a right to
refuse to lend it? I am giving the use of my machine. My son
has a bike. He doesn't want to lend it to others because as
likely as not it will get broken. Is it right to encourage
him not to lend it? In the same way as he expects to use
other children's toys, he must share his. Some people find it
easier to give and to lend than others.
Giving or lending money, giving or lending articles, all come
under the same umbrella. You think you are likely to lose by
the chessed. The Chofetz Chayim suggests that we put
aside a sum of money each year, in the same way we put aside
tzedoka money which we are prepared to give away, or
money we are prepared to lend out, because it isn't really
ours. If an item is returned broken, use that money to have
it repaired. It is presumptuous to `agree' with the Choftez
Chayim, but I can vouch for the fact that it works, and saves
a lot of aggravation.
Whether buying gifts or giving money presents, people give.
Their motives are often mixed and they don't fall completely
into one or another of the above-mentioned categories.
However, there are abstract gifts, too. What of the smile as
we pass a stranger in the street? Or an hour of our time to
sit with an old or lonely person? In fact, every act of
kindness is giving. In the end, any gift which is given with
the right motives and intentions benefits the giver more than
the recipient.
May we merit to be on the giving side rather than on the
receiving end, to do both graciously as the opportunities
arise, and to be able to educate our children to have the
same sentiments.
