One Shabbos it dawned on me -- an image of captains and
ships. That Shabbos I noticed that the house was running
smoothly. The kids were cheerful, the meals went by without
extreme pandemonium, all crises -- minor and major -- had
passed over. Why was that Shabbos different from some other
Shabboses, particularly the previous one?
The week before, the picture was a little different. The kids
were fighting, the meals were noisy and out of control.
Everyone was demanding this or accusing that, pulling me down
into their juvenile world. And I felt stuck. I did not feel
capable of passing judgment on every quarrel, nor creative
enough to give them ideas of activities to keep them out of
trouble. So the arguments and mayhem continued right through
havdola. By motzoei Shabbos, when I tucked the
last one into bed, it was hard to find an ounce of energy
left to get the house back in order. Basically, I had had
it!
But the next Shabbos proved to me that it did not have to be
that way. What was the difference? Well, one factor was that
before this second Shabbos, my husband and I sat down to form
a plan of action. He would give candies to the big boys as an
incentive to go to shul. I would eat breakfast in the
morning. I made a mental note of some possible activities,
especially in case of rain. And I resolved to stay calm and
positive, no matter what.
And it worked! Not that there were no arguments or rowdiness.
But as soon as any sign of trouble started, we nipped it in
the bud. We praised the children who were behaving, and we
got the others busy with more positive activities. Mainly, my
husband and I kept the show running. By the end of Shabbos,
we had that warm feeling that comes with a family having
spent good quality time together.
The Shabbos before, I had felt like a boat riding the waves.
As long as it was smooth sailing, I felt happy. But when the
voyage became rocky, so did my mood. For a mother's mood to
be determined by five children under the age of ten is not a
healthy situation. Children live in a plane of emotions so
the ride is very bumpy. Between the wind (the noise) and the
tidal waves (the quarrels), the boat took quite a beating. At
the end of the journey, it came up on shore needing repairs,
as well as a paint job.
Before that second Shabbos, my husband and I decided to jump
on top of the ship and take control. My husband and I would
be the captains. The captain also rides the waves, but at the
same time, he maintains control. Parents cannot control the
children, but they can control themselves. And what captain
lets the waves and the boat decide which direction to travel?
A good captain sets the course for the boat and uses all of
his knowledge and experience to lead the boat and all of the
passengers to safety in the most pleasant and least turbulent
manner possible. Good parents determine and set the
atmosphere of the house. They use all their knowledge and
experience to create a warm, caring, happy Shabbos
atmosphere.
Yes, there will be waves. There will be fights and spills and
noise. But parents have the self control and wisdom to pull
everyone out of such turbulence as quickly and cheerfully as
possible.
Reflecting on the second, more successful Shabbos, I pledged
to be the captain, or better, the second-in- command, of our
own beautiful ship. During the week, as well as Shabbos, my
husband and I would set the course of our boat. Of course,
Shabbos is generally a bigger challenge, due to the lack of
external structure. But the weekday also has its ups and
down. So when I begin feeling like a boat getting bumped
around by the waves, I focus on the image of being our ship's
captain or `second mate,' and I feel my control, over myself,
returning.
