Recently, I opened up a new jar of cherry jam. At the very
top were half a dozen cherries. The entire rest of the jar
was filled with concentrated cherry juice that had been
thickened by means of an agent called pectin.
The jar of jam cost a little over ten shekel. Right near the
jam section in our local store is a selection of canned and
bottled concentrated juices, each of which comes in a larger
container than my jar of jam and yet is priced less.
Why was I willing to pay a premium for the jam? Because for
some reason, we tend to value solids more than we do liquids.
A jam sandwich is somehow more satisfying than two slices of
plain bread washed down with a cup of cherry drink.
This perception that we have is not rational in the least. Of
the three states of matter -- solid, liquid and gas -- the
one thing that we need constantly in order to survive is a
gas: air. We have to breathe all day and all night. The next
most necessary item for human survival is a liquid: water.
Only after we have ensured ourselves of an adequate supply of
those two essential items, plus a little food, of course, can
we even think of accumulating the `solid' items which are
prized the most by those around us: metal coins and paper
currency.
Our erroneous value system leads us to label things according
to how closely they approximate the solid state.
We talk about a concept `taking form' in our minds. How do we
describe someone who is on the way to recovery? She's in
great shape. And what makes someone dependable? He's rock-
solid.
Right now, many of us are privileged to have teenagers at
home for summer vacation and soon, again, for the holidays.
Our teenagers have very deep intellectual discussions among
themselves. They are full of ideas and inspirations. But do
we tap into that great resource? Of course, not. Why? Because
teenage is a FORMative stage. They aren't there yet. They are
just beginning to jell.
Today, secular society gives exaggerated status to teens.
Teenagers set the styles in fashions, music, food and in
snacks. However, that is not because society values the teens
themselves. It is because the immature adults in this society
put a premium on youth. They themselves want to be children
forever -- living a life free of responsibilities. Therefore,
they look to teenagers, those who are twixt those years
between childhood and adulthood, as their ideal.
I remember when this trend first started in America and I saw
a woman who was at least in her fifties wearing jeans and a T-
shirt, with her ponytail hairdo tied up with a ribbon. It was
so ridiculous that I couldn't help laughing.
No. I am not saying that we in the Torah world should in any
way try to emulate our teens. What I am saying is that we
should listen to them more closely and allow ourselves to be
infused with their spirit and enthusiasm.
Ask your son to tell you about a particularly inspiring
shmuess he heard in yeshiva. Let your daughter
demonstrate to you the new way someone in her high school or
seminary showed the girls how to make a 6-braid challa.
If one of your teens brought home a tape of a great lecture,
sit down and listen to it and thank your child for sharing it
with you. Discuss the ideas on the tape at the Shabbos
table.
Show your child that what s/he is learning is important to
you. In addition to the boost that it gives your teenager, it
is a great lesson for the younger children. Mommy and Tatty
are lifetime students. They are always interested in new
Torah-based ideas.
I know it is hard to be available for your teenagers. The
baby needs to be fed, the toddler needs a diaper change, the
two-year-old is lying in the middle of the kitchen floor,
kicking both legs as he screams at a 70-decibel level, and
you have to prioritize.
Turn to your teen and say, "Honey, let's each take care of
one of the little ones and then we'll have some quiet time
together to really concentrate on what you are saying." That
is infinitely better than, "Can't you see I'm too busy to
talk to you now?"
"Talk to you later," isn't good enough. With the best
intentions, sometimes `later' never comes.
Teen age is a great time for parents and children to bond. A
teenager is old enough to reason and has a longer attention
span than a child. There is yet another bonus. Because of
that not-yet-solid state, a teenager is also open to new
ideas.
I remember when I was a teenager, my mother used to leave the
younger children home with my grandmother and drive to the
other side of our city, a couple of afternoons each week, to
visit her favorite aunt who was hospitalized for a very
serious illness.
My mother would invite one of us older girls to go along with
her. In the car, going and coming, we had my mother's
undivided attention -- and she had ours. It was a very
special time.
Always keep in mind that the teen years are a time in which
the child is still being formed. They have not yet jelled.
This formative stage needs molding and shaping and a parent
is the ideal person for the job. If the parent is always too
busy to listen to a teen, a very valuable opportunity can be
lost forever.
The teen will still need someone to talk to. If the parent is
not there for him, someone on the street may easily be the
one to fill that role. Or worse yet, there are always the
cults and the missionaries.
In the business world, something that is available for use
right now is called a liquid asset. The investor certainly
values a solid deal, but he knows that the way to get
there is by having liquid assets.
Let's start thinking of our teenagers as our most important
`liquid' assets. Let's make ourselves available to them
now.
Otherwise they might, G-d forbid, `go with the flow.'
