It is remarkable how often many of us are tempted to educate
other people's children. Whether it is in shul or in
the park, or even in our own homes, we have an irrestible
urge to interfere. Furthermore, it is truly amazing how we
firmly believe in our own children's blameless behavior,
while criticizing the conduct of others.
Educating them, or at least laying down rules in your own
home, is understandable. After all, it is a form of self
defense. If you, or your child, have invited a friend to come
and play and things don't work out quite as they should, it
takes all your will power not to educate this child.
For example, if from the moment the friend sets foot into the
house, s/he starts demanding food, are you going to spend the
afternoon doling out nosh? Or are you going to say, "In our
house we have a snack at four, supper at six, and apart from
some fruit or drinks, we don't need anything till then." The
child might declare that in her house they have a cupboard
full of nosh which they eat the whole afternoon (it doesn't
have to be true). To which you can reply that every house has
different rules.
If the child is staying with you for a week or two, the
problems are slightly different, although the answer about
the rules of the house still applies. If the visiting child
only eats crisp fresh rolls bought that day, try to
accommodate him. Some of your own children might demur,
especially if you prefer to serve them wholewheat bread
during the week. But yours will accept your answer that you
keep fresh rolls for a rosh chodesh treat. Or you
could say that visitors sometimes need special treats because
their Mommy isn't there.
Another example: even if you are particularly short of money
that month and the child insists on the most expensive kind
of apple, buy them for him. You will forget about the money,
but he might never forget about the hosts who would not even
let him have an apple! Incidentally, do not forget to praise
your children when the visitor has gone for the wonderful way
they performed hachnossas orchim.
Another example of `self defense' is if the child begins to
destroy your children's toys. You do not have to educate the
child, but you should remove the toy out of harm's way. Your
children do not have to see you make an issue of it, and you
do not have to invite him again.
A child complains and whines from the minute she enters the
house. If you suggest that they play with the dolls, she will
object that she doesn't like those dolls. Nor does she like
this game, nor that one. When you sit down to a meal, she
pushes her plate away, saying she HATES this food. With your
nerves aquiver you are debating whether to call the mother to
pick her up, or to send her home with one of your older
children, and you decide that she will never set foot in your
house again. But hold it a minute. This child may be coming
down with something and her behavior is totally out of
character. She may be very tired, and really need to lie down
and rest. Does your own child always behave as s/he should in
strangers' homes? You would probably never know, except if
the behavior has been outrageous.
If you see children from affluent homes grabbing five cakes
at a Kiddush as if they have not eaten for a week, it is not
worth reprimanding them. Remember that your own child might
do exactly the same if they were out of your sight. Some
mothers claim that their child would never behave in some
particular way, but they may be deluding themselves. Besides,
it is not your child who is behaving so badly, so leave him
to his own parents, if they care.
Small children in the park often snatch things from each
other. Before the age of four, they frequently do not know
the rules of `mine and yours.' A toddler is digging in the
sand box with his spade, and filling his bucket. Another
toddler expropriates the bucket and spade without a by-your-
leave, and continues the activity. You do not have to jump
into the fray immediately to retrieve your child's toys. In
all likelihood, he will take it back in a moment or two.
If the other child is far more dominant than yours, you can
tell your child that he may also take a turn when he wants.
Even with older children, it does not always pay to
interfere. You see a boy constantly taking your son's ball
away from him and you tell him to play somewhere else. Your
son might protest that they were having a good time together.
Whether children are at home or in the park, parents should
just try to be adjudicators, to listen to what is going on,
but to let the children sort things out for themselves, and
not to rely on adult help.
It is the easiest thing in the world for two friends or
neighbors to fall out over their children. If a child is
constantly throwing garbage into your garden, or ringing your
bell and running away (incredibly, a favorite pastime with
some children), it is a natural reaction to reprimand the
child. But do not try to involve the parents. Especially if
there is a serious tiff between children, a soft answer will
deflect the other parent's wrath, even if you know full well
that their child is to blame. Besides the benefit of keeping
peace in the neighborhood, you will have children who will
grow up to emulate your ways and not feel bellicose when
people annoy them.
[Ed. Debatable. Anyone with other ideas?]
