Part II
Parent-made books are a creative and fun way to address
children's daily challenges and emotional needs in a non-
judgmental way. Three types of such books can describe a
situation, define feelings and make an empathetic
statement.
Last week we brought a sample book dealing with a child
having difficulty adapting to kindergarten.
The following story is meant to help a child who is
experiencing temper tantrums. Its purpose is to address his
feelings and empathize with him and at the same time, help
him to understand himself and to help him find ways of
dealing with his feelings.
He is experiencing learning problems which cause him to have
angry outbursts. He needs both empathy and limits, to help
him cope with his problem. It is very helpful for him to have
his feelings and his behavior defined. This is the first step
in enabling him to find constructive solutions.
The second part of the story can be introduced once the child
feels heard and understood and is ready to think about
solutions.
ANGRY DAYS
Sometimes I get very mad. I get mad when my sister ruins my
Lego building. Sometimes I am so mad that I hit her and pull
her hair. Or call her names.
When I don't understand what the Rebbe said in class, I get
mad because I feel sad. I really wish I could understand.
Sometimes when that happens, I fight with the other boys.
When I'm learning with Abba and I don't understand, I tell
him I don't want to learn anymore. I feel so bad that I cry.
Then I go home and hit my sister or anyone else who bothers
me.
When I hit my sister I get a punishment. When I hit another
boy, people get angry at me and the other boys don't want to
be my friend. Then I feel even worse.
It's so hard when you don't understand things in school and
then you get into trouble everywhere you go.
PART TWO
Sometimes I get very angry when things are hard for me in
learning. Then I hit people and get into trouble and things
just get worse.
My parents said they can help me to make things better. They
said that when I feel like hitting someone, I can find
something else to do instead, like hitting a pillow or riding
my bike or jumping up and down until I am tired out.
Deep breaths also help people to calm down. If I do these
things, my parents said they will give me points to buy a
really great prize. They said that if I go to a special
tutor, I will be able to understand better.
One day, Abba told me he had the same problem when he was
young. Just look at him now!
The following story is written to help a girl who is
experiencing social problems.
The problem is described and her feelings are empathized
with. The story also helps to make her aware of the outcome
of her negative reactions and makes her aware of social
rules. The book provides the girl with emotional support and
encouragment for her positive qualities. Suggestions are
included to help her maintain her self esteem while she is
being insulted and to avoid rebuttals.
The story ends on an optimistic and encouraging note.
FRIENDS
A lot of the time, I feel that no one likes me.
I feel like I can't jump rope as well as the rest of the
other girls. I don't have fancy clothes like they do and I
don't get 100s on my tests. I feel that I am not as good as
the rest of the girls.
Sometimes girls tease me. Then I feel very hurt and I get
angry and call them names. After that, everyone in the class
gets mad at me and I feel even worse.
My mother says that when they tease me, I should remember all
the good things about myself and keep telling them to myself.
She says that it will help me to ignore them.
She told me to remember that I have a warm heart, I am good
with small children and I like to do mitzvos. Hashem
is proud of me and that is much more important than fancy
clothes or how I jump rope, even if what others say is true,
which it usually isn't.
My mother said that it would help to tell myself these things
but it still hurts when someone calls you names. The more I
ingore the insults, she said, the more the other girls will
see that I am not starting fights, and I'll have more
friends.
I tried it yesterday and it really worked. I told my mother
and she was so proud of me she gave me a whole chocolate
bar.
It is important to make stories positive and hopeful.
Children need to see that there is a way out of their
difficulties that they can relate to. Empathy, description of
details of the child's life and his feelings are necessary to
help a child feel accepted and understood.
A child can choose to illustrate the book or change feelings
which he feels you have misrepresented. It is important to
allow him to correct parts of the story which he feels are
inaccurate so that his true feelings and life situation are
accurately represented. When this is the case, he will be
able to relate to the story better and gain the maximum
benefit from it.
Some children find it hard to cope with the reality of their
situation and their feelings. They may not be interested in
the book. Present it gently and don't push. Try again at a
later time.
It is possible to leave the book around for the child to
`find' or to give it to someone to whom he feels close to
read to him, such as a tutor or grandparent. Keep trying to
present it gently until he becomes accustomed to the idea. Be
sure that your tone is accepting and understanding and not
angry, resentful or mocking. Eventually, most children will
crave the acceptance enough to want to hear the story.
Masha Wolf, child therapist, is available for play therapy
and guidance for parents. Tel. 02-6546-2172
[No instructions for making this book were included in the
article, but borrowing an idea from Devora Piha, it might be
nice to use real photos of the child, himself, with various
poses and expressions. He might even want to pose for fresh
pictures and take a very personal, possessive interest in
this book.]
