They're at it again. Horrendous screams, followed by shrieks,
yowls, bellows, then the long wailing cry of the injured
party who is determined to let the perpetrator get his just
desserts. You are in a quandary. To interfere or to let them
settle it on their own? Some experts express one opinion,
others say the exact opposite, but what are you going to do
at this particular moment in time? The thought crosses your
mind for the hundredth time: why are they like that? The
Cohen children from up the road never seem to fight.
One of my sons came for something to eat about an hour after
I had thought I might have to call an ambulance. He reported
cheerfully, "We had a really good fight before." I asked him
what they had been fighting about and he honestly did not
know.
"Sibling rivalry," they call it. Is it really rivalry? Boys'
fights are more inclined to be physical than verbal. One
gives a punch, the other retaliates and then it begins. Girls
are more into pinching and then whining to Mommy.
I am not going to add my opinion to the dozens in print.
But there is one really important point which we are apt to
overlook. One child bites another and the victim shows you a
painful set of teeth marks. Your first reaction is to
castigate the biter. It is far more important to soothe the
victim and make a fuss over him. Comfort him and take him on
your knee. Ignore the other child. Don't scold him. In all
likelihood, the fact that you are so concerned about the
other child's pain that you `forgot' to tell him off, will
make a strong impression on the culprit.
Some mothers claim that their children never fight. They may
be right. I had a friend at school who always walked home
with her sisters. She told me that they neither argued nor
squabbled. I see others who always play together amicably.
But some children, in fact the majority, only fight when
there are no strangers present. It seems there is an innate
loyalty to the family name whereby children want to show a
united front to outsiders. Furthermore, there are some
children who just do not fight in front of the parents, hence
the claim that their children do not squabble.
Have these `peaceful' children got better character traits?
Do their parents set a better example? To the second
question, the answer is definitely negative. Some parents who
never have the slightest difference of opinion and who never
raise their voices, have the most quarrelsome offspring. Some
others, where the neighbors hear them even when the windows
are closed, have the most loving children, siblings who are
protective of each other.
Brothers or sisters who have outgrown fighting sometimes ask
each other what all the arguments were about. They do not
usually come up with an answer. It was never anything major.
Was it a personality clash? Not necessarily, because their
personalities have not changed radically as they matured.
Jealousy? Perhaps, but surely not in all cases.
If children are happily occupied, fights are less likely to
occur. Not unlikely, less likely. If there is a troublemaker
(and very often there is one in a family who seems to start
up with everyone), let him do his coloring or construction at
a different table, or if possible, even in a different room.
But make it a privilege, otherwise it won't work.
"Yanky, I like company in the kichen when I am working. Could
you come and do your coloring here with me?" The truth is, if
Mother is actually sitting with the children and
concentrating only on them, there is less likely to be
conflict.
It would be enlightening to know if any readers have come up
with any good reasons for these outbursts and if there are
any ways of preventing them.
