Part II
In Part I we were given a vivid true example of
disappointment following high expectations, and the rewards
of being prepared for disappointments and completely
lowering our level of expectations.
Children need time to adjust to disappointment or change.
For a very young child, understanding is key when something
unexpected occurs. First try to understand how your child
might be feeling by comparing the situation to something in
your own life. This will help you calm down and reduce your
anger but the child will still need time and space to work
through his disappointment. Consider the following example:
Your child loves chocolate milk and once a day you allow
him this treat. He likes to drink it in his favorite blue
cup with the rabbit on it. Today you look everywhere and
you can't find his rabbit cup. Your child is hysterical.
You can't understand all this fuss over a silly cup...
until you relate his experience to something that happened
in your own life.
You remember just last week when you picked up your
favorite cream cake from your favorite specialty baker.
You've been watching your weight but you are allowing
yourself this one treat a week -- this one special piece of
cream cake that you have been saving to eat on Friday night
after all the kids are in bed. You've saved your calories
the whole week, always reminding yourself that you can look
forward to that cake if you're good. You were, and on
Friday night you open the fridge and look for the bag that
you hid in the back. You can't wait. Finally, you find the
bag and you can't believe your eyes. It's empty!
How do you feel? Your expectations were so high and then
they plummeted so suddenly! You may be very angry at
whoever took your cake and it may take you quite a while to
get over your disappointment. What might help you? Most
likely, you would like an apology or at least some sympathy
from the innocent bystanders. Next, you would want some
kind of compensation, something to help you cope with your
loss -- a substitute.
Your child's disappointment is very similar to the above
scenario. A child who is expecting his chocolate milk in a
certain way, looks forward and anticipates it just as you
anticipate your cake or anything else special in your life.
Try to understand his disappointment and empathize with
him. Try to help him put his feelings into words. "You must
be very disappointed and upset that you can't drink out of
your cup the way you like to. It's really hard to get used
to a different cup. It's not what you planned."
Tell him you are sorry that things didn't go the way he
wanted, even if it's not your fault. If he can understand,
discuss another alternative that could be a good
substitute. Ask him, "What else could we do to help you
feel better?" If he offers a realistic solution, accept it.
You are teaching him to cope with disappointment and to
problem-solve at an early age.
Some children have a more difficult time adjusting to
change and disappointment than others. These children
can be helped to adapt when they know what to expect from
their days in advance. In general, it is a good idea to
draw out a weekly schedule for a child who is too young to
read with pictures or symbols. This can avoid conflict and
prevent anguish. For example, a child whose mother works
one afternoon a week may be expecting and anticipating a
warm hug and time together with Mom when he gets home. He
may be very distressed when he arrives home and finds a
babysitter instead. If a change in schedule or something
unexpected occurs, give your child as much advance warning
as possible. In the case above, you can repeatedly remind
him that the babysitter is coming or give him some type of
drawing to take to school that will remind him that the
babysitter is coming. This could be a picture of a Mommy at
work and the child at home with the babysitter, or anything
else that the child says will help him remember that his
mother will be away. This may help adapt the child to
predictable and unpredictable transitions in their lives.
In her book, Raising Your Spirited Child, M. Kureinka
discusses what she describes as the "slow to adapt" child
and some ways to help him deal with transitions, change of
schedule and unmet expectations. Some disappointments can
be anticipated and planned for with older children such as:
wanting to wear something which needs to be laundered, not
finding a favorite cup, a friend not being home, change in
weather, a parent going out, not getting to go somewhere he
expected to be taken, burnt food, unexpected guests or a
lost toy.
These types of transitions can be discussed with children
at a calm time. The child can discuss how these events make
him feel and can think of alternative ways to solve the
problem with you. You can use the "what if" game, suggests
Kureinka, and think of as many different scenarios which
may be difficult adjustments for your child. You can ask
your child, "What would you do if..." You may ask your
child to draw or act out a good solution to the problem
this may help him to be more prepared next time he is faced
with a disappointment. Don't expect it to work overnight!
Your child needs lots of practice and because he is a
child, he will still have problems dealing with strong
emotions. If we, as adults, struggle with our emotions,
imagine how hard it is for children.
If a change or disappointment in the child's life happens
without warning or cannot be anticipated, a parent should
do his or her best to empathize with the child's feelings
and help him find a way to solve his problem to the best of
his abilities.
Another type of transition for a child is from one activity
to another. A slow-to-adapt child may be expecting to do a
certain activity for a long period of time. And then, he is
suddenly told he must stop immediately. This can be very
difficult for him. Koreinka suggests giving forewarning and
time to adjust and stop an activity. Try to tell the child
how much time he has left and then give several warnings.
You might say something like, "Start finishing up the game;
it's almost time to stop." Next, you could say, "One more
turn each and it will be time to stop." Finally, "It's time
to go now."
Another idea is to use creativity to help smooth
transitions. You might offer your children a chance to race
to the gate at the park. Other ideas might include having
children pretend they are astronauts on the moon and they
need to walk to their spaceship or put on their spacesuits.
Some children like to pretend to be the wind and blow to
the next location. You can ask your child for imaginative
suggestions. Using creativity distracts the child from his
disappointment and helps him to refocus and make his
transitions fun.
Understanding a child's disappointment does not mean giving
in. It means relating to the child's feelings and taking
them into account when you decide how to deal with his
reaction to the disappointment or unmet expectation. If
what the child is asking for is not good for him, you
should not give it to him just because he is disappointed.
Each parent has to draw his own boundaries with his child.
Understanding the child's feelings and helping him solve
his problem does not have to conflict with limit setting.
Understanding also means taking the time to prepare your
child for daily and weekly disappointments and transitions
in advance. In so doing, you are giving your child the
tools he needs to deal with the minor as well as the major
disappointments in life.
Masha Wolf, child therapist. Play therapy and parent
training and support. 02-656-2172
