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24 Shevat 5762 - February 6, 2002 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
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Home and Family
PARENTING WITH MENUCHA
Fighting and Loving

by Menucha Fuchs
Parenting group counselor, author of dozens of books, fiction and non-fiction, for adults and children

"Siblings fight," as the saying goes. As amazing as it might seem, there always were [starting with Kayin and Hevel] and probably always will be fights between siblings. How is it that those who are closest, and who should love each other the most (in spite of the clashes), fight without end?

The answer is very clear. The closer people are, the more they fight. The further away they are, the less conflicts and arguments take place. People living in the same country are bound to have more arguments between them than those living in a different country. People living in the same building will have more clashes than those living in separate buildings. And people living in the same house and occupying the same space will certainly have more to argue about than others. Being together under the same roof and bumping into each other does not make it easier to keep the peace. There are lines for the bathroom and the shower. Keeping order in the bedrooms or arranging them a certain way demands consistency. When should the lights go out? What time should the alarm go off in the morning? All these simple situations are a basis for disagreement and constant friction.

Members of the family are a microcosm of society. And just as in society there is friction, in this mini-society the differences of opinion are not lacking. Sometimes we think that if they're siblings, they'll definitely think the same way, and behave in the same manner. But this is not realistic. Brothers and sisters may be completely different, with different outlooks and ideas, hopes and demands.

Besides this, since siblings are usually children of the same parents, this leads to jealousy and rivalry between them. All the children want to glean words of encouragement and praise from their parents, and when this is not forthcoming and they see that another sibling is favored instead, they become jealous. In turn, jealousy leads to endless arguments and fights. What should the parents do? How are they to deal with these noisy, jealous children who are constantly bickering and claiming their attention?

1. Don't get involved in their fights.

When parents get involved in their children's arguments, this only makes it worse and will only increase the animosity between the two sides. When several children are in competition, their main goal is to attract the parent's attention. Each one wants to be loved and related to as if he were an only child. As soon as the parent gets involved and defends one of the children, their reason for fighting is now justified and they continue on and on.

"Ima, tell him," or "I'll tell Ima on you," are some of the typical expressions children use. Once children manage to enlist their mother in the game, they've won. When she agrees with one of the children, he gets the attention he craves, and when she gets upset at the other contender, he also gets attention, albeit in a negative way. Children get used to vying for the mother's attention that way. The mother also gets used to falling into the trap. The problem is that she might know how she got in, but she surely doesn't know how to get out of it -- and she's left angry, exhausted, and upset that her children don't know how to get along with each other.

But Ima is not a judge, has never learned to try a case, and there is no reason for her to know how to be an arbitrator. This is what she must explain to her children before she gets too deep in the mud, without being able to extricate herself. The more she gets involved, the more they'll fight. This is an endless cycle. The fights go on without limit and this pollutes the atmosphere in the house. On the other hand, Mother can be understanding and empathize with a dejected child without contradicting his feelings.

2. Arguments between siblings prepare them for life's challenges

Children whose parents constantly interfere when they are fighting won't know how to fight and how to make up -- a useful skill for their whole lifetime. They'll get stuck again and again in arguments with friends, teachers and employers, because they never learned how to compromise. Our child has to know that when he and his brother/sister or someone else disagrees, he sometimes has to give in, even if his arguments are justified. A child whose parents don't mix into every argument but, on the other hand, stand by him when necessary, will eventually get along with everyone, including the most annoying sibling.

3. Don't stick on labels

If every argument leads to a stigma for the child and he is then stuck with a permanent nickname such as good, bad, stubborn, easygoing, he will feel that he must live up to this label. The child who has been called `bad' because he hits a lot will continue showing us just how true this is, and the child who is used to giving in will feel that he has to act this way all the time. The nudnik will continue to annoy and the good child will be afraid to be naughty sometimes. All this is very negative for the child. Our children have to know that they must decide on their own how to behave in order to lead their own lives and develop their own personalities. As parents, we must realize that stigmas and nicknames only make it harder for them to make decisions properly and to develop into adults. Drawing comparisons between children is equally totally superfluous. No child is worse than another. He is simply different than his sibling and we must find his good points and highlight them. It is also important to let our children know that each one is dear to us and excels in his own sphere.

4. Learning to compromise

A friendly, peaceful home is not necessarily a home where there are no differences of opinion, but it is a house where people are ready to compromise. It is true that we don't all think the same way, but let us see how we can reach mutual understanding. Perhaps we have to take turns doing chores? Perhaps one member of the family is willing to compromise on a certain issue and the other member on another topic?

Children are creative and flexible, and they will find solutions faster than we can, if we set an example for them on how to compromise with our spouses and with them. By encouraging our children when they succeed, by compromising and reaching common agreements, and by discussing everything that keeps them from feeling content at home -- without entering into details of who is right and who is wrong -- we can make our home a better place for everyone concerned. When there is a warm, friendly atmosphere at home and not one of constant bickering and fighting, our children will turn out to be less aggressive and belligerent, in spite of all the envy and competition and unavoidable clashes.

TIPS

* Publish a family newspaper. Elect an editor and columnists, and even a photographer. This will initiate communication between siblings. In my house, I have samples of a family newspaper written years ago. The ten-year-old boy wrote a serialized story; the seven-year-old wrote about a home lab experiment, and the four-year-old contributed a very short story (which someone wrote up from his dictation). I wrote the funny events which happened during that month at home, and so on. We sent it to the grandparents and cousins.

* A `wishing box.' Everyone can write down their wish for someone else and place it in the box. Children will use their fertile imagination to wish something for their sibling, parent etc. This way, they'll keep everyone in mind in a positive, loving way, every day. Just preparing the box will help everyone work together in an enjoyable manner, especially if the box is big enough. I once used a carton in which a washing machine had been delivered. The children had a wonderful time designing and decorating it (like a mailbox) and then using it to send their wishes.

* Sometimes children come and complain to us about their siblings. After we hear them out and empathize, we can ask them to write a list of the good things they see in their sibling. Everyone has failings, but now when he thinks about it, the child will see that his brother/sister also has good points.

* A family puzzle is a good way to have the children connect to one another. Spread out the contents of a 1000 piece puzzle on the table, and the children will work together on it for days on end, and even forget to fight.

* A child who hits his siblings is an angry and unhappy child. We have to stop him and tell him: Stop! I know you're angry but we have to discuss it and find a solution together.

* Let's promote good feelings among our children by praising them to each other, by telling them how their sibling gave them the benefit of the doubt, by reminding them of the other's birthday, and telling them again and again how good they are to each other, even if sometimes they get upset at each other.

* Teach your children to express in writing, all the things which cause them to fight. For instance, if the oldest girl complains that her sister is constantly messing up the room, she should write down her feelings and ask her sister to help work things out together in a friendly, reciprocal and equitable way.

 

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