Sutton was sitting at his desk in his office with his feet
up, smoking an expensive cigar. A complacent smile hovered
over his lips as he exhaled rings of strongly scented smoke.
The ringing phone interrupted his reverie.
"Hello, World Managment here."
"Hello, Sutton, this is Eyes calling. I was roving the world
and there seems to be a trouble spot brewing that you should
be aware of. There is no imminent danger to our corporation
but the issue should be checked frequently for possible
negative developments."
"I'm all ears, Eyes. Report every detail as accurately as you
can. You can never know which small bit of information will
prove most useful." Sutton pressed off the conversation-
recording machine. "Okay, I'm ready. Shoot."
"It's like this. In Yerusholayim, there's a neighborhood
called Mattersdorf. The intensity and earnestness with which
the people there go about their daily lives has always given
me a goosebump or two. But now they're giving me three or
even four goosebumps. You see, a group of women started
promoting shemiras haloshon, with formal classes on
the topic. Their goal is to get people to be more aware of
the power of speech. I don't have to tell YOU what can happen
to US if these groups gain momentum."
"Oh, no," groaned Sutton. "Listen here, Eyes. You go back to
roving the world and I'll take this as my very own Project.
Rest assured that I will do everything in my power to nip
this in the bud. The entire World Management Corporation is
in grave danger if these groups gain even one more member.
Thanks for doing such a good job. And remember to report
anything, anywhere in the world, which gives you even one
goosebump."
With perfect aim, Sutton tossed the cigarette into the sink
and pushed his chair back. He stood up and stretched his arms
above his head. Then he lifted up some weights in the corner
to check just how flabby his muscles had become from sitting
behind his desk for so long. "I guess I'll have to go through
a whole exercise regimen every day now if I'm to function at
optimal health and strength which I will surely need for this
challenge." He did some headstands and pushups and even a few
cartwheels, once he had warmed up. When he felt full of
energy, he contacted the Yenta Club.
"Hello, Sutton speaking. Mrs. Golda Gossip, I want you to
start a campaign. This is not the usual thing. This is
something directed at those frum women, real hard nuts
to crack, but we have no choice. The campaign should be
geared to `Love Your Neighbor as Yourself.'
"The women should be taught that in order to love one
another, they should start snooping around each others'
business so that they'll know what is truly bothering the
other person, what her secrets are and what are their most
vulnerable spots. In the name of `Love Your Neighbor as
Yourself,' they will then relate these facts to one another
which will bring untold dividends to our World Management
Corporation.
"You can expect a substantial raise and significant bonuses
according to your rates of success," Sutton concluded.
"Don't worry," Golda Gossip reassured him. "I have excellent
underlings. They go into those chareidi neighborhoods dressed
in ultra-modest costumes and they have a special process of
coating their tongues with honey so that all their words come
out dripping with sweetness. Those naive women can't tell
honey from saccharine and they just rush to my girls like
flies to honey."
*
"Okay, gals," Mrs. Gossip called her efficient team
together.
"Who's the target group?" one asked.
"The frum community. Worldwide." Groans. "Who are you
kidding? We'll go bankrupt if we use our resources against
such a hopeless cause."
"Are you giving up even before we've begun? We've got a new
angle. This is going to be an extremely exciting project. I'm
positive about the success of this project because we will be
playing on the innate rachmonus of Jewish women. Each
one of you is to go over to the world map in the next room
and pick a location to work on. Prime locations are
concentrations of really frum families, say twenty-
five and up, within a small radius. Bungalow colonies should
be top choices. Small towns are fine, too, even if the
population seems small and the opportunities limited. We're
aiming for quality, not only quantity.
"All you have to do is snoop around for a while, pick up a
juicy piece of gossip that plays on the emotions and arouses
people's pity for one another. Then, when you're sure of the
right timing, go over to the most emotional member of the
group for tea, or drop in for a recipe or something, and tell
her what a tremendous pity it is about so and so. Make sure
to use the key phrase, `I'm only telling you because we must
Love our Neighbor as Our Own Self. And I truly want to help
her.' Of course, you'll have to steer clear of the real do-
gooders..."
"So what's considered good timing?" asked Selma Slander.
"I'd suggest when their resistance is low; when a woman is
exhausted after a sleepless night with a colicky infant or a
teething baby. Or at suppertime, with the kids clamoring for
attention. Or when Hubby has just come home... I trust you,
girls."
The women piled out of the auditorium, eager to show their
commitment to the World Management Corps and their ingenuity
at this new challenge. By the end of the day, there were
hundreds of recruits ready to depart for their location.
*
Sutton did not relax his vigil for a moment. He learned that
the original group in Mattersdorf was planning a worldwide
awakening, inviting thousands of women to hear lectures on
the topic of Shemiras Haloshon in dozens of cities and
towns. When he learned that this would climax with a major
rally for them all, his very hair stood on end and his eyes
nearly popped out of their sockets. What a setback this could
be for his business! He hastily called a meeting of his best
advisors.
"We've got to think of something powerful yet subtle enough
that people shouldn't catch on to what we're after. Something
to counteract the impact that a nationwide rally is bound to
have."
After much deliberation, it was decided to station several of
their agents at the Binyanei Haooma convention center to
infiltrate the rally so that they could pinpoint the exact
source of the strength of this firm resolve to watch one's
mouth. On the said evening, there were about ten of Sutton's
top agents posted at the end of the hall with tickets in
hand, waiting to get in.
They tried to enter again and again, but the tremendous
holiness that emanated from the inside kept them at bay. With
none of the many projects showing much dividends, as a last
resort, World Management got copies of the tapes and listened
to them again and again, trying to define the crux of the
issues and detect any weak points. If this year was a lost
cause, Sutton could be prepared for the next year's rally.
*
Sutton knew he'd have to come up with something unusually
original and cunning. After listening to a number of tapes,
he announced to the Gossip Girls that he had a plan. He
turned up the volume of his Master Tape Recorder and a
powerful voice reverberated throughout the room.
"The Vilna Gaon says that for every second that a person is
quiet, he gains untold reward in the World to Come."
The tape was shut with a loud click. Sutton banged his fist
on the table. "THIS is the answer to our quest. Call in
Technology Manager."
"Listen here, Techno Champ. I want you to invent a
mobile phone, a device that can be used everywhere.
Portable, compact, lightweight, good reception, cheap.
Something that will have people talking ALL THE TIME, even
while walking down the street! Speech is golden, as far as we
are concerned. It's got to became THE IN THING, irresistible,
something you can't live without."
Champ's eyes gleamed. This was just down his alley. He got in
touch with his representatives and soon there were half a
dozen companies vying with one another on who could offer
their customers the best deal. Within a few short months, the
cellular phone was out on the market. It was IN. The
advertising campaigns went into full swing, inducing people
to talk, talk, talk.
Talk woman. Talk man. Talk family. Tic toc, talk talk. All
the time. "Why sleep when you can talk?" "Be in touch all the
time." "Don't miss phone calls while you're out." "Pay only
twenty agorot a minute." "Choose five free numbers." "Family
plans." Get rebates for Shabbos disuse so you can make up for
lost time on motzaei Shabbos. And as an extra bonus,
credit for incoming calls! "Have people call YOU." The
possibilities were limitless.
The brilliant and so-simple idea was to get people to talk.
Cellphones abhor silence. Talk, talk, talk. You don't even
have to pay, just talk.
The phone doesn't ring much any more at World Management.
After a very successful campaign, Sutton is back at his desk,
feet comfortably up, chuckling to himself as he follows the
rings of smoke billowing from his expensive cigar. He can let
others do the talking...
