Possibly there are more older singles at this time than there
have ever been. I have heard that this is a sign Moshiach is
coming and we certainly expect him, but meanwhile...
While I am by no means a professional shadchan, I am
what they call a dabbler, having made a few shidduchim
over the years with Hashem's help. Recently, I worked with
some older singles. Even though I didn't know them
beforehand, during the process I got to know them and for the
most part, they are really special people. They are not the
kind who are just sitting around; they're active and making
their lives meaningful. Just getting to know them spurred me
to try to help them.
In the end, I found myself frustrated. One case took the
cake. The couple went out once. The next day I heard from
him. He wasn't interested. Why? She wasn't intelligent
enough. And what was her response? Maybe, but I'm not sure
if he's bright enough. And they wouldn't go out again.
In my day, they always said you have to meet twice just to
make sure. After all, people are not always comfortable on
the first date. But it seems that as people get older, they
discover more about themselves and about others, and they pin
down exactly what they're looking for. I'm not saying that
they're picky. We've already been told not to think such a
thing. I simply think that as they develop more as people,
they realize more and more who they are and who they need --
whether their opinion is valid or not!
I have a friend in her mid-thirties, call her Chaya, who
recently got married. Several years ago, we discussed the
whole `singles' issue. She told me about a friend who was
taking her job very seriously and even taking courses to
upgrade. Chaya had a good job, too, but it was not her life.
She felt that unless you were focused on getting married, it
wouldn't happen. Two sides of a `single' coin.
I knew a rabbi who said he wanted to marry off his children
young so that they could grow together with their spouses. At
the time, being single myself, I thought it better to allow
young people the time to mature themselves, but now that I've
seen some people who have waited, and are still waiting, I
tend to agree with the rabbi.
We cannot judge singles. Chaya, herself, told me that she
thought being single was more of a nisoyon than being
childless since if you're married, at least you have someone.
Perhaps the test of we luckily- married folk is to be a
`someone,' a sympathetic friend, not one who pities or
judges, just one who listens and tries to help.
From an erstwhile matchmaker, a word to the singles out
there: keep your minds open. There are gems on `the market'
who might be your match, even though you might think
Sephardi/Ashkenazi, chossid/Litvak,
Israeli/English/American/South African, FFB/baal
tshuva/ger tzeddek to be unlikely prospects. Include in
the list short/tall, learning/working, a divorcee. Ask any
married person you know and they'll likely tell you their
spouse has some quality they never thought they would
tolerate. But that very quality may be exactly what they need
for self-perfection.
May we all participate soon in those very special
simchas of older couples, the more the merrier.
