Torah leaders in Israel and America have been encouraging
people to cut the costs involved in making weddings, and
asking them to make their simchas more modest and less
ostentatious (read: expensive). Young people are starting
their lives by leaving their parents in debt, sometimes in
poor health, wondering how in the world they will be able to
marry off the next one in line. A wedding is supposed to be a
happy social occasion, not a competitive Olympic event. After
all, it's the marriage that's important, not the wedding.
With rabbis pleading with their flock to be reasonable,
hopefully people are going to be a bit more frugal in
planning their simchas. No matter how much you spend,
however, you want to be sure you're getting your money's
worth, so let's consider some points:
When I got married a dozen years ago, I had a gorgeous
wedding; people still talk about it. It cost around $4,000.
We had it at someone's home, with the chuppa by the
pool. I borrowed the dress, we had 120 people, more or less,
my roommate did the flowers, my husband's aunt made the
chuppa and it was all very heimish. And since
the person who was hosting the wedding used the same caterer
he had used for his daughter's wedding a few months earlier,
he knew what to ask for and we got everything at a good
price.
So here are a few pointers on how to get married: RULE NUMBER
ONE: involve everyone you know. That's what they did in the
Old Country, and in Yerusholayim of yore. An entire village
or shtetl would be involved in the event. We all know
someone who's good with make-up, someone who can do flower
arrangements, another person who is a great amateur
photographer, a great baker who's always dreamed of making a
wedding cake or sweet table, a seamstress, someone who drives
and wouldn't mind donating his services for the evening. We
all know people with musical talent who might be happy to
play at our wedding. Some of us have these skills ourselves.
Many people would be delighted to contribute to the event and
have it counted as their gift. Everyone is happy. Also, no
matter how professional someone is, they won't put the same
heart and soul into their work as someone who's sharing your
joy on your special night.
If you do use professional services, make sure you get
your money's worth. Try and get a package deal. If you're
using a hotel, use their hall. Get everything in writing. If
it's the band, make an agreement regarding how long they'll
play, how much they will charge past a certain hour, what
happens if the wedding starts late, what songs will be
played, which won't be played, and perhaps, at what
volume...
Regarding the photographer, agree on a number of pictures
beforehand, and have him write it down. Include the tip, time
involved, additional photographers, albums, proofs, ordering
more photos. You may make a deal including the negatives,
which you can have developed yourself.
Get referrals for everything; compare notes with
experienced people. A good record and satisfied customers
are the best insurance that things will go smoothly.
When working out a budget, figure in all the little expenses.
The wedding costs definitely do not end with the hall and
caterer. There are waiters' tips, dry cleaning for the dress,
extra pictures you will want, transportation etc.
One way to save money on invitations and thank you notes is
to put a notice in the paper or on bulletin boards. I
remember being invited to a very posh wedding that way, and I
wasn't the least bit upset that the invitation didn't come to
my door. This also gives people a graceful way out if they
don't want to attend the wedding or can't afford a gift. Of
course, you'll want to double check that the people you most
want to attend know about the wedding.
You can get many accessories from various
gemachs: the dress, clothing for the rest of the
family, on loan; candlesticks, chair covering, prayer for the
bride, even flowers and centerpieces. Not only will you save
money using them but you will become another link in a great
chain of chessed.
There are also things which have become de riguer at weddings
but aren't strictly necessary: birkonim, for example.
You need them on the table but they don't necessarily need to
be taken home. Or you can provide standard ones that are not
inscribed.
During the Gulf War, weddings were held pre-dusk to avoid
them going off with a bang. Halls may be willing to let you
have your simcha earlier in the day at a better price
if you clear out in time for them to set up for an evening
event. Also, if your simcha requires less staff, a
buffet can replace a sit-down meal, at a discount, with
disposable dishes. A milchig or parve fish menu
might also cut costs while eliminating the problem of
different standards of kashrus and of vegetarian guests.
Discuss with the establishment the fate of leftover food
and by whom/how it will be packed. You can arrange to
give it to an organization or take it home. It can come in
handy for sheva brochos and is great to give to the
new couple as ready food, especially salads to be eaten with
rolls, cakes. [You can arrange for freezer space beforehand
with neighbors, to be brought to them on the following day,
not at one a.m.].
If you're having guests from abroad, you might make a deal
with the hotel.
Recruit your friends for whatever you need and don't be
afraid to delegate responsibility. One of the nicest weddings
I've been to was very simple; all the entertaining was done
by friends.
Appoint someone reliable to be in charge of gifts, to empty
the gift wagon and make sure nothing breaks or vanishes...
Let us have pity on our beloved children. The smaller and
less flamboyant a wedding, the calmer the bride and groom are
likely to be. They won't remember a lot of the details
everyone is fussing over. Can you see it, eight years hence,
five little children crawling around on the floor, Ima making
supper and feeding the baby and talking on the phone
simultaneously. Abba's just come home and he turns to his
dear wife and asks, "Do you think we had enough canapes at
the wedding?"
She interrupts her conversation to reply, "Yes, but it still
bothers me that my bouquet didn't have white and pink roses."
Reality check! While you're in the midst of your wedding
preparations, look at the wall where you've taped the card
being distributed by the Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation
that says, "It's not that important." If all parents prepared
a couple for the challenges of marriage with the same passion
and concern for detail with which they imbue wedding
preparations, we'd have lots more sholom bayis in Klal
Yisroel.
But I digress.
So how do you pay for all this?
Ten suggestions:
1) Start saving when the kids are young. [How about setting
aside a `maaser' of the Bituach Leumi child allowance
for savings?]
2) Ask relatives if they wouldn't mind helping out.
Hachnossas kalla begins in the home. An article in an
earlier edition of Yated [by Chaim Walder] suggested
that charity money can and should be put aside for a family
wedding. Wouldn't it give you a nicer feeling to help marry
off your niece, nephew, granddaughter or second cousin than a
complete stranger?
3) If you have trouble saving, take the gemach loans
BEFORE it's time for the simcha. Let's say your older
daughter comes of age. Before you call the matchmaker, call a
gemach and borrow money. Put that money aside and
start paying it back. [Editor's Note: You should be sure
to ask a posek if this is proper and under what
conditions, and perhaps also inform the gemach of your
intention.] By the time your daughter's engaged, you've
paid back part of the loan. If you need to take another loan,
you won't be paying back two loans simultaneously. You have
to have the same mindset about money as I do to understand
the logic in this. It has to do with commitment, and
inability to save otherwise.
4) If your children want a big wedding and you don't -- or
one set of parents does and the other doesn't, split the bill
proportionally. The one with the higher aspirations pays the
higher cost and can invite proportionally more guests.
Children might be willing to give the parents some of the
money they receive, to pay back an expenditure the parents
might not otherwise have gone for. Obviously, this isn't a
great way to set up house but it may help maintain sholom
bayis and get you through the event. In money matters, it
is better to be open than to be disappointed or resentful.
5) Barter. If you can't pay for something, offer a service in
exchange for it. Let's say a girl who knows how to give a
manicure needs a sheitel. She can offer her services
in the shop, as a perk to customers, for a pre-agreed time in
exchange for a sheitel. A man with a car can offer to
make a few free deliveries for a wedding hall, in exchange
for a discount. If you're a photographer and your friend does
calligraphy and both of you have a friend with a flower shop
and all three of you have marriageable daughters, all three
of you have a photographer, florist and invitations for your
wedding at no cost. When my son gets married be'ezras
Hashem, I can always offer to write an article about the
hall, band and/or photographer.
6) Simpler is often more stylish.
7) Shop around. Compare prices and then if you still want the
more expensive place or service, tell them that you'll take
them if they match the lower price. They may just take you up
on your offer. [Take advantage of the experience of your
friends who recently married off children. Their information
will be up-to-date and you can get it by phone.]
8) Get married off season. In Israel, there isn't really an
off season for weddings but in other parts of the world, a
November wedding can get you a hefty discount. Someone's
cancellation will also provide a cheaper rate. Many halls
just outside the city are much cheaper, and you can arrange
transportation for which the wedding guests will be happy to
pay.
9) Don't be afraid to set limits. When I got married, I had
120 guests because that's what the garden could hold. I had a
perfect excuse. No more room. Whether your limit is space or
number of guests or financial ability, you're allowed to
stick to it. You are not obligated to do anything not
dictated by halocha: all you need is one ring, one
chuppa, a rov, two witnesses, a minyan and an
expendible glass with wine. C'est tout. You definitely
don't need three hundred guests.
And one more thing. Protektzia is a good thing to
have. If you happen to know someone with five daughters who
married them all off at a certain hall and you can get them
to come down to the hall with you to negotiate the price, it
can be rewarding.
Let's not forget what a wedding is about: joy, commitment,
love, gratitude to Hashem, and holy matrimony producing a new
bayis ne'eman b'Yisroel.
May the streets of Jerusalem and all the cities of the world
reverberate with the happy voices of chosson
v'kalla.
Mazel Tov!
[We welcome readership comment on this very important topic.
There is much more to be said on the subject! More to come in
future issues.]
