The Other Side of that Smile
We love to get your letters and comments, even in
handwriting, as this one came. We are happy to poke readers
out of lethargy to say what they feel, pro or against our
material. This one was written in heat. We hope to have the
author rebut in a future issue. Address: Weinbach @ Panim
Meirot 1, Jerusalem, or FAX 02-538-7998.
In response to the poem "Journey of a Soul" [Parshas Bo], I
would like to PROTEST. No, I do not myself have a Down's
Syndrome child, but I am very close to people who do and I
have some idea what they and others go through. Before I
elaborate, I would like to object to the part of asking the
Rebbe. This would seem to denigrate acceptance of a
psak from a Rov. How could you???
If an objective, responsible third party who knows the
parents and the family set-up deems it advisable that the
child NOT be taken home, judge favorably and consider that
there are legitimate reasons for the decision. All the more
so if the decision is made by a Torah authority. In cases I
know of, some of the extenuating circumstances have been
that elderly grandparents are being cared for by the
parents; the parents themselves have health problems; other
children in the family have health problems which already
overwhelm the family etc. All the more so if the Down's
child is born with heart or lung problems which may entail
continual crises and hospitalizations.
No, not everyone can cope with such complex problems -- and
only Hashem knows why He sent this additional bonus their
way. In some such families, other children were neglected
and some even went off the Torah path or were otherwise
messed up. And sometimes, the baby is neglected and
would have been better elsewhere.
Furthermore, I know of one family who did `keep' the child,
but never really bonded, and the child is starving for
warmth and suffers very, very much. They are very dutiful
about the myriad medical problems but have no energy,
neither physical nor emotional, left over for TLC.
On the other hand, I know of several wonderful, unique
families who have taken in over the years several foster
Down's and other `special' children and have nurtured them
beautifully. These are very special families but it may also
be easier for them just because it is not their own flesh
and blood...
And what do you think that your poem did to a parent who was
coerced by circumstances, or even by the other parent, to
give up the baby? I know of a couple who got divorced
because the husband was so achievement-oriented that he was
not willing to wrestle with a no-win situation. He gave up a
very prestigious position and moved away, rather than stay
with the child! I don't know if they did this according to
daas Torah or not. But this is true.
I also object to your poem implying that Down's babies given
up for adoption are lost to Jewry. I doubt that any Rebbe or
even observant parents would ever use such a non- option.
Last but not least, I would like to point out that from time
to time, stories and articles crop up in the religious press
full of how `wonderful' is the privilege of being blessed
with a special child. I have asked quite a few such mothers
and they all say they are very pained by these articles. I
know of only one mother who really kept saying she was
grateful for this opportunity and I don't know how long that
feeling would have lasted even for her, since the child died
at nine months.
I also know of another mother who managed exceptionally well
with a Down's child born when she still had a houseful of
older daughters. But by the time the next special child was
born, the situation was quite different. The family was
bigger and there were already grandchildren deserving
attention but the mother had less energy and most of the
helpers were married. By then, there was also an elderly
parent needing lots of care. Same good intentions but
because of changing circumstances, very different coping.
On the next page you have Rifca Goldberg's story about her
own Down's daughter. [Ed. Correction: Tzvia is a beautiful
child with the intellect/maturity of a two-year- old.] Her
articles are wonderful and she seems like a most admirable
person [she is!!!] whom I would love to know. However, not
all special kids are so `royal'. Some have been so
overwhelmed by the excitement of their party that it has
become an embarrassing fiasco. And when such a parent reads
this article, they most probably feel like a failure, or
that Hashem is angry at them by by not letting them have
such `nachas'...
I also know of a family who turned down a shidduch
with the sibling of a Down's child because they felt that
the special child would become an emotional and financial
burden on the siblings as the years went by.
These are realities with which real people struggle. Help
these people to cope, try to understand how very difficult
it can be and please, please, please don't assume that it is
mere thoughtlessness and selfishness that makes them act and
decide as they do. Please be more careful with your Mussar
in the future.
Keep up the good work. In admiration,
Mira Neufeld
