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Finding the Good in Your Child:
How to Help Your Child Build a Strong Self Concept
by Masha Wolf, M.A. Child Therapist and Counselor
Finding Islands of Competence and Success in
Children
Children do hundreds of praiseworthy acts daily but,
unfortunately, their deeds often go unnoticed. Why is this?
Maybe because parents are overwhelmed and tend to see the
things that grab their attention first, such as challenging
behaviors or character traits in their children which clash
with their own. Amazingly, one parent may see many positive
traits in a child which another may completely miss or even
deny, due to personality clashes with that particular child.
A parent who is experiencing difficulty with a child either
because of a personality clash, disruptive behavior or low
self- esteem on the part of the child, can help both their
child and the parent-child relationship by actively seeking
out the child's areas of competence and success. A child's
areas of competence include his natural talents and
abilities, such as being athletic or artistically
inclined, his personality traits, such as being
friendly or generous, and his positive acts, such as
listening to parents or helping others.
Between these three areas, the number of things that a child
can be encouraged for is almost endless. Once parents become
aware of the hidden positive attributes that their children
possess, the potential for building the child's self esteem
and sense of competence becomes very great. Each talent and
ability that a child possesses and is made aware of, no
matter how small, can help to build his sense of competence.
Children who are low in confidence may say they are not good
at anything. With time, they can be made to see that there
are more things that they are good at than they originally
thought. Below is a list of some of the skills, abilities
and natural traits and features that can be used to boost a
child's sense of competence.
Washes self, brushes teeth well, combs hair well, nice
dresser, neat, nice hair, nice dimples, friendly face, nice
freckles, nice smile, tall, petite, jumps high, good jump-
roper, walks quickly, good balance, graceful, throws well,
catches well, flexible, good tree climber, swings well, hops
well, nice handwriting.
Good at puzzles, drawing, carpentry, model building, sewing,
painting, coloring, cutting, pasting, clay modeling, doll
making, photography, origami (paper folding), pottery,
embroidery, crocheting, drama, singing, puppetry, creative
writing, playwriting, costumes, play production, dance,
birdwatching, hiking. Collecting: stamps, rocks, leaves,
shells. Gardening, aerobics, baseball, basketball,
bicycling, boating, canoeing, skating, running, tennis,
swimming, diving, skateboarding, kiteflying. Playing a
musical instrument and/or composing songs. Board games,
crosswords. Cooking, baking, cleaning. Saving and/or earning
pocket money. Map reading, directions. Fixing things,
putting things together.
School Skills: Limudei Kodesh, secular subjects --
separately or in general. Includes spelling, computers,
attention, neatness in notebooks etc. Taking tests, writing
reports, listening to stories, remembering, class
participation, neatness, organizes material well, respects
teacher, loves to learn, studies hard, does homework, on
time to school, good grades, hardly absent.
Home Skills: good at cleaning, floor washing, windows,
organizing and tidying, folding laundry, setting the table,
ironing, polishing, dusting. Cooking, baking, decorating.
Entertaining children, getting younger siblings to behave
and mediating arguments, calming children, reading stories
to them, bathing them.
Social Skills: leader, follower, plays nicely, good loser,
good winner, introduces self nicely, says please and thank
you. Listens to others, apologizes, waits turn, helps
others, good group member, supports others, empathizes with
others, plays quietly, says hello/goodbye, remembers names,
talks nicely to adults, talks nicely about others, doesn't
speak loshon hora, follows directions, nice guest,
nice host, good sister/brother, plays fair.
Labeled Praise - Making Praise Specific
Research shows that a behavior which is positively
reinforced is more likely to be repeated. Parents can help
to increase their children's positive behavior while
boosting their self esteem at the same time. The most
effective form of praise is specific or labeled praise. When
parents use specific or labeled praise, the child knows
exactly what he has done right and is likely to do it
again.
Well intentioned parents often praise their children with
statements such as "very good." When the children know what
they are doing that is good, this is a fine form of praise.
However, when a child does several things in a short period
of time, which most children do, he may not know which thing
he is being praised for, or what aspect of it. When the
praise is specific, the child feels more pride in himself
because the parent's specific words indicate that he has, in
fact, done something right. The child sees this type of
praise as being honest praise based on his actions. The
parent of a child who sometimes speaks in an inappropriate
tone of voice might compliment the child when he speaks
appropriately by saying, "I really like how you are speaking
quietly and nicely, with derech eretz."
A child who doesn't like helping in the house can be
encouraged to do his part by being told, "You took out the
garbage even though you didn't want to. Good for you!"
Parents who are experiencing difficulty with their children
often say, "There is nothing to compliment my child on; he
doesn't do anything." This is simply not possible. With
enough time and attention, parents will find things to
praise their children for. Even the smallest act is
praiseworthy when nothing is taken for granted. Adults get
reward for every positive act. Similarly, children deserve
credit and acknowledgement for each positive act they do.
The more attention parents pay to their children's positive
acts, the more they will find to praise. Below is a list of
positive acts that can be used to encourage children:
Wakes up on time, says modeh ani, washes, gets
dressed nicely, looks nice and put together, remembers
materials for school, organizes school things well, plays
quietly, eats nicely, davens nicely, gets to school
on time, is respectful to teacher, participates in class,
sits quietly in class, concentrates well, works hard,
listens to the teacher, shares with other children, helps
other children, is lively -- cheers people up with happy
things, is polite, uses a calm voice, takes care of toys and
other possessions, waits patiently when parent is busy,
behaves well in the store and does not nag parent -- accepts
a `no' when parent refuses to buy something, does homework,
helps schoolmates who were sick by visiting/calling and
providing homework, is quiet when parents are resting, comes
when called, says brochos, cooperates, compromises,
shares, expresses feelings in appropriate manner instead of
throwing tantrum, does chessed for others, adults
included, prays for others.
NEXT WEEK: Personalized positive reinforcement
Masha Wolf is available for child play therapy and
consultation. Call evenings 02-656-2172.
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