We are the people of the word; our power lies in speech.
We try to be careful with what our mouths emit. Our
historical secret success lies in our verbal commitment of
"We will do" which preceded our "We will hear."
Communication should have top priority. Modal
Operators
by R' Shlomo Kory
"Modal Operators" is a linguistic term to indicate three
ways you relate to what you're doing: Necessity,
Possibility, Contingency. That is, do you have to, want to,
or wish to do something? Each has its unique function and
blending them correctly can be a recipe for success.
The first step towards realizing your goals is
contingency. Most activities start off as an idea in
someone's mind. Contingency helps you consider things that
are beyond what you think is possible to achieve. Since most
of us do not realize our potential, it can be useful to
widen our horizons by wishing and hoping. One way of doing
this is to ask yourself a question like, "If I were
guaranteed success, what projects would I pursue?" Then sit
back, relax, and let yourself dream in a purposeful way.
I once met a doctor who had changed his whole way of
life. He told me how a friend had brought him to a weekly
class given by a certain Rabbi H. and how, after several
months, he and his family had begun living a religious
lifestyle. Each class started off with Rabbi H. lecturing
and ended up in a `lively' conversation between Rabbi H. and
Doctor E. "Rabbi H. was totally unreasonable," he recounted.
Then Doctor E. paused and added, "but the world wasn't built
by reasonable people."
You can be sure that great accomplishments do not begin with
someone being reasonable, practical, pragmatic. More likely,
they start off with a wish, a vision, a hope.
Of course, if our dreams are not grounded in reality, we may
wind up building castles in the air. The second step would
be to consider the possibility of the dream. You
might do this by asking yourself questions like, "What
concrete steps can I take to realize this idea?"
Finding that point where contingency touches
possibility is crucial in realizing your dreams and
your potential. Too much contingency, and you will be
left with all kinds of unfinished plans that "you're hoping
to get around to some day" or that "you'd like to do when
the right opportunity presents itself." Too much
possibility and you may feel like you're not
accomplishing what you could -- and you would be right!
The third step is developing an attitude of
necessity. Behind every great accomplishment [or
invention] is a person with an attitude of "it has to be
done." This helps keep us going when obstacles present
themselves.
More than 25 years ago, the American media interviewed a
representative of the Lakewood Yeshiva. The reporter must
have assumed that large yeshivos [like universities,
lehavdil] have endowment funds backing them
financially because he asked the representative how large
Lakewood's endowment was. The interviewee replied that
Lakewood had no endowment at all! Seeing the look of
astonishment on the reporter's face, he explained, "You see,
we can't postpone learning Torah until we have the financial
stability that an endowment provides; we have to
learn Torah now. So we are constantly raising funds
to keep the yeshiva running."
One way you can develop an attitude of necessity in
your personal goals is by asking yourself questions like,
"Why is this important to me?" Keep this question in mind --
and you will eventually compile a list of reasons that will
inspire you and create a momentum you can draw on --
especially when things aren't running smoothly.
Here, too, it is important to have the right amount of
necessity: too much can be stressful and, in the long run,
counter-productive. One study about highly successful people
shows that they are very inspired and feel a strong sense of
purpose about their work. They do not, however, feel
forced.
Modal Operators are important considerations in
communication, too. Pay attention to the words your co-
conversationalist is using. Are they primarily words of:
Necessity -- (need, must, have got to, should, have to, will
etc. or negations of these)
Possibility - (can, want, choose, able etc. or negations)
Contingency -- (wish, might, maybe, would like, hope, could,
try etc. or negations)
By your using the same modal operators, he will feel more
understood: you are relating to the issue in the same way he
is.
Let's take an example of a child who "wishes he
could do better in school." This could also be
applied to a boss with an employee or to other situations.
Try to imagine how the child would feel when he hears each
of the following responses:
#1 "I am glad that wish you could do better.
Later tonight, perhaps, you'd like to sit down and
discuss how you might make improvements."
#2 "I am glad that you want to do better. Later
tonight, we can sit down and discuss how you
want to make improvements.
#3 "I am glad that you see that you've got to do
better. Later tonight, we must sit down and discuss
how you will make whatever improvements are
necessary."
Typically, people do not speak with only one modal operator
and that is why these examples might sound somewhat
artificial. I just wanted you to experience how much of a
difference it can make. Even in a more natural speaking
style, it is usually a good idea to start off with the modal
operator that the other person is favoring. Notice the
difference that changing the modal operator in the opening
sentence can make in the following two responses to the same
child:
#4 "It really would be nice for you to do better in
school and I think that you really can improve. Do you want
to discuss how to go about making these improvements? Doing
well in school is necessary for many things in life."
#5 "It really is a must for you to do better in
school and I think that you really can improve. Do you want
to discuss how to go about making improvements? Doing well
in school is necessary for many things in life."
It is important to remember that none of these responses is
"correct." Any one of them could be appropriate, depending
on the child, the situation, and the relationship of the
parent to child. However, as a general rule, people will
feel more "understood" if you favor the modal operator that
they are favoring. And when "being understood" is an issue
between people, this can be a significant step in the right
direction.
Once you have established rapport with the child by matching
his modal operator, you can expand the ways he relates to
the issue by changing to a modal operator of
possibility or necessity or a combination.
Otherwise, he may remain with nothing more than an ephemeral
"wishing he could do better." Example #4 is one example of
how you can do this.
How can you discover alternative ways of expressing yourself
and improve the results you're getting in your
communication? There is a systematic way that is excellent,
but let's try a more familiar approach.
First, let yourself imagine other ways you could say the
same message. Just let your imagination flow in a purposeful
way. You might consider some of the principles we have
discussed in previous articles. You might ask yourself how
else could I word this in a more effective way. If you know
someone who always seems to know the right thing to say, you
might ask yourself how they would say it. Second, ask
yourself specifically how and where you can apply these
alternatives. Third, ask yourself why improving your ability
to communicate is important to you.
[For more information on NLP Communications Workshops, call
Rabbi Kory at 051- 985- 225 or infor@nlpjerusalem.com.]
