Torah values are eternal -- especially where they concern
chinuch, and passing fads and trends will eventually fall
flat in comparison with the guidelines received at
Sinai
How do you deal with a child who refuses to do as he is
told?
A common approach is to offer the child a number of choices
so that he agrees to one of the choices. Instead of meeting
the child head-on, with all the anguish and conflict that
might result from it, advisors often recommend bringing the
child into the decision-making process.
This type of counselling was first proposed in the middle
1960s, an era which was revolting against the last of the
restrictions and attitudes left over from the so-called
Victorian era.
The breaking of barriers of modesty was a reaction against
the hypocritical constraints of that era in which some even
covered the legs of tables and chairs.
"Women's Lib" was a revolt against the condescending
attitude of the Victorian era which relegated women to a
servile, underprivileged status.
Children, too, were treated as chattels, usually used as
cheap slave labor and employed in dangerous jobs such as
chimney sweeping and working in mines. The common by-line
when dealing with children was, "Children are to be seen but
not heard." Education, such as there was for children, was
often brutal and based on abuse.
The innovation of the child psychology of the mid-sixties
was that you can talk to children, reason with them, listen
to their side of the situation and generally treat them as
intelligent human beings. It also reorientated the role of
the parents whereby parents, instead of being dictators,
become advisors.
Balanced, authentic Judaism does not suffer from any of the
excesses of Victorianism, therefore the changes of attitudes
of the Sixties are irrelevant to us. However, because we
live in an open society, some of those new attitudes have
seeped into our environment.
Women do not have a servile status -- as any rebbetzin will
tell you -- therefore the concept of "Women's Lib" is
irrelevant to us. Similarly, children have never had an
underprivileged status. On the contrary, the tinokos shel
beis rabbon are held in high esteem. Parents are to
regard the development of their children as their prime
focus in life -- and on the Seder night [and even at times
at the Shabbos table], children are the stars of the
evening.
As mentioned in previous articles, the secular world has
little experience in educating children, as compared with
the thousands of years which we have devoted to
chinuch, and which is based on the absolute knowledge
derived from the Torah.
Though the reasoning behind the "New Child Psychology" seems
logical, the therapists promoted it without knowing what
will be the long term effect. Now, 35 years later, we can
see how the fabric of secular society is rapidly eroding.
The huge increase in divorce rate -- amongst the few who
bother to get married, and the horrors of drugs and juvenile
crime and violence, all point to failure of the system.
The basic fallacy of the "new attitude" to children is that
they assume that children are young adults with a similar
degree of reasoning power. We know, from our gedolim
and from our experience with children, that this is not
correct.
On the contrary, including children in the decision making
process, asking them to reason intellectually beyond their
ability and pressuring them to perform adult-like tasks when
they are not yet ready, can do damage and lay the seeds for
major problems later on.
Obedience in children is not simply a convenient
subservience for helping adults tell children what to do. It
is essential for their development and for their safety. It
is also necessary for helping them to accept the yoke of
Torah and mitzvos when they become adults.
Tactics like, "When do you want to go to bed? In fifteen
minutes time or in thirty minutes time?" makes life easier
now, but they push off the time for "the Big Confrontation"
when the child refuses to be manipulated by such tactics.
And the more that moment is pushed off, the older and
stronger and more set in his ways the child becomes.
Including the child in the decision making process also
gives him an unreal self image that he is really capable of
making important decisions. It makes him an equal partner
with his parents and teachers and bestows on him the option
to reject advice and information when he considers them to
be unreasonable. It provides a basis for him to reject all
authority and to become intolerant and insensitive.
A child knows that he has his limitations and he relies on
his parents and educators to train him. Firmness and the
setting of well defined limits allow the child to relax and
develop confidence.
If rules of behavior are set down from the very earliest
age, obedience will be a natural part of the child's
nature.
Sometimes, a parent might decide to tell the child the
reasons for a decision, but it should be clear that the
decision is not based on the child's agreement to or
acceptance of the validity of those reasons.
Obviously, parents should not be totally dictatorial for the
entire life of the child; they will need to train the child
to make his own decisions. They also need to get feedback
from the child to know the child's likes and dislikes. They
need to talk with the child, to help him express his
feelings and talk out problems and feelings and help him
deal with situations.
But adults need to recognize that, often, children have
neither the data- base of knowlege and life experience, nor
the neural maturity, nor the intellectual development to
make a reasonable decision. And, ultimately, accepting the
Yoke of Torah means sometimes having to do things even when
we do not understand why.
