Which parent has not had the experience of having a child
sleeping in their bed? And who hasn't felt the discomfort of
such a slumber? Who never asked themselves: what can I do to
stop this? How can I prevent my child from coming into my
bed tonight?
The phenomenon of a child sleeping in his parent's bed is
common and widespread. Is it possible to solve this problem?
How? With stubbornness? With prizes? With threats of
punishment?
1. Out of self love
When a small child comes to our bed, he is broadcasting
weakness and frailty. He is saying, sometimes in so many
words: "I'm afraid to be in my room. There's a wolf in
there!" And no matter how much we try to convince him of the
opposite or that it was only a dream, it won't help us.
Parents think that when they accept the child in their bed
at night, this is the result of their great love for him.
But actually, when we allow this behavior, all it
demonstrates is self love. We let him in only because we are
tired and have no strength to argue with him. He comes to us
with his eyes closed, we spread open the blanket and
lovingly invite him into its warmth and shelter. This way,
we don't have to wake up, exert ourselves in any way, and
don't have to deal with the crux of the issue.
When a child is determined to come into our bed and we don't
let him, the child is very disappointed and feels rejected.
This leads us to have pity on him. "Poor kid. He's afraid of
the dark..." When a child is afraid, we are incapable of
going against him. And in order to appease our conscience,
we let him invade our private area, which is definitely not
meant for him.
He clearly cannot continue to be there in the future. So let
us try to move out of ourselves and think of the situation
in a positive, constructive way, because it might take a lot
of strength and determination and loss of sleep for several
nights, but it will surely turn out well in the long run.
When we deal with a child out of pity, we are clearly
broadcasting the following: with fear you can rule over us
as you please!
In this way, we reinforce the child's weakness! We also set
a precedent and the child continues to come to us every
night. Pity towards a child is unnecessary. The child is
strong and clever; he can be independent and cope, on
condition that we make him come to terms with the facts and
don't pity him or compromise.
2. Counting on the child to remain in his own bed
Parents have to help their children but not to solve their
problems for them. A good parent guides his child so that he
can deal with his problems on his own. When a child shows
signs of weakness, we won't throw him a lifesaver, since
that way, he'll never learn to swim or to float. We won't
open an emergency exit for him immediately (in this case,
our blanket), but we will let him tackle his problem of
being afraid and let him decide how to help himself. We will
provide him with the tools to help him solve the issue
instead of giving him the solution itself. In this
particular case, we first have to make him understand and
agree that it is better for him to sleep in his own bed. If
we, ourselves, are convinced, perhaps the child will also be
convinced.
Why is it better for the child to sleep in his
bed?
The sleep a child gets in his own bed is not like the sleep
he will get crunched up in his parent's bed. He has to live
according to certain rules and not just according to his
whims and desires. This is exactly the time to teach him
that life is made up of fears and anxieties and that one has
to deal with them.
This situation is not ideal for us either, since:
Our sleep is also not as good or effective when we don't
sleep alone. This is not an especially comfortable situation
for various reasons, which each one of us can understand.
Once we realize that this is not a desirable state of
things, it will be easier for us to explain this to the
child.
We can ask him -- during the daytime in the context of
reason and logic -- what he thinks he can do if he has a bad
dream, and leave it up to him: "You'll see. You can do it.
You can be strong and stay in your bed. You're big already
and we're counting on you."
3. Accept the child's feelings
Children need parents who understand them. A parent should
accept his child as he is, with his fears, with his `bad'
side and his deficiencies. In this case, besides, he just
wants to be understood. Sometimes it is enough just to
accept the fact that he feels bad because of a scary dream,
to respect him without taking it lightly, while at the same
time emphasizing the fact that everyone in the house sleeps
in his own bed [perhaps, just like everyone eats out of
their own plate].
5. Action instead of words
We have already explained it to the child. We gave lengthy
convincing arguments and the child won't budge.
A child who was used to coming to his parent's bed and
disturbing their sleep will need a lot of support in order
to stop. And he will have to feel that his parents are
absolutely determined not to let this continue.
In the beginning, they will have to firmly explain that this
is the rule. No `and's or `but's. The short announcement,
the laying down of the law, is not meant to include
explanations, apologies, anger or punishments. The next
night that the child comes to your bed, if he persists, the
parent should not give in to his pleas but take him straight
to his own bed without getting angry. It is important to do
this without anger because this is the child's normal way of
developing and sleeping in one's bed is the normal thing to
do. He is constantly testing us to see which type of
behavior will yield results and which results are
forthcoming. The question is how do WE handle this.
If it is very difficult for the child to be by himself, we
will sit with him and hold his hand until he falls asleep.
[How about some soft music?] The next night we'll shorten
the time that we sit by his side and the night after, we'll
stay even less. This way, step by step, we will help him get
used to sleeping in his own bed.
