Relationships between close relatives are truly a test of where we stand, of our true selves. Even if we try to keep our distance or wear different masks in society, it usually won't work with our dearest and nearest.
A special challenge for our midos, considerations and self mastery is the complex relationship with in-laws. Mother- in-law / daughter-in-law rates high on the scale. You may try to deny it and say, "She's just like my own daughter/ mother/ sister." Maybe. I'm not really convinced. If so, from when cometh all the comical lore about this most delicate of relations? Sisters-in-law place second on the scale of close and possibly volatile relationships. The Yiddish terms says it all, beginning with shver, father-in-law, synonymous to `difficult,' and on to shvegerin, from the same root as shviger, mother-in-law. Your husband's sister is like a mini-mother-in-law.
It is not necessarily like that, but it can be. Actually, you can develop outstanding relations with in-laws. It may not happen overnight, but the effort expended and the thought invested in building a great relationship yields tremendous results that will certainly bolster both of you and give great pleasure to your husband/son. The man in the middle.
The following self quiz may shed some light on the matter. It is divided into two parts: My ideal self/ My real self. Try to answer the quiz twice. Once for your ideal self, what you would really like to do/ think/ say. And once for your real self. Contrast in your mind how you would answer these questions in relation to your Mother. Don't cheat. It is interesting to see how you relate differently to the two most important women in your life. With time, perhaps you can become the very best YOU.
NAMES
a. I call my mother-in-law Uhm...
b. I call my mother-in-law Mom/ Ima/ Mommy.
c. I omit the name and start speaking.
d. Luckily, I have children, so I call her Grandma/ Bubby/ Savta.
e. I call her shviger.
g. None of the above.
VISITING - Invitations:
a. My in-laws have an open invitation to come for Shabbos.
b. My in-laws would never come, so I never invite them.
c. I feel too pressured when they come, so I try to drop a hint that it's not too convenient most of the time.
d. I realize that my in-laws want to see us, and swallow whatever work or pressure is involved, and try to make them feel at home and welcome.
e. I really welcome them at all times, just ask for a bit of advance notice.
f. None of the above.
VISITING - When I hear that my mother-in-law is planning a visit, I.
a. Leave a note on the door and go out for the day.
b. Take the phone off the hook and start Pesach cleaning at top speed.
c. Ask my sister to take off from school and come over and turn over the house.
d. Proceed with whatever work is at hand, maybe bake a cake.
e. Ask my husband to relay a message that it's not a good time to drop in.
f. None of the above.
OUT OF TOWN/ OVERSEAS VISITS.
Returning to our parents' hometown/ If both sets of parents live in the same city,
a. I always stay at my parents' home.
b. I divide up the time evenly.
c. I do what is convenient for myself or the parents.
d. Not applicable.
SIMCHAS.
a. I participate in my in-laws' simchas the same way I do in my parents' and siblings' simchas.
b. I would never miss one of my parents' or siblings' simchas, but with my in-laws, it's different. I don't feel the same way.
c. I try to help my mother-in-law for her simchas, but she doesn't want/need my help.
d. I help a bit and stand back. I know she would only want me to do whatever I can do easily and not be pressured.
ASKING FOR HELP
a. I ask whomever I can for help, both my in-laws and my parents.
b. I try to be independent and manage without help.
c. It's easier to ask for my sisters' and mother's help, and I know my mother- in-law appreciates the difference.
d. None of the above.
TELEPHONE CALLS.
a. I call my mother-in-law on a steady basis.
b. We divide up the calls. I call my parents; my husband calls his.
c. The parents call us. We rarely call them because of the cost.
d. I don't have any fast rules. I call as it strikes me.
e. None of the above.
CRITICISM.
a. I cannot take my mother-in-law's comments. I block out what I don't like.
b. I know my mother-in-law means well and if she occasionally steps on my toes, I ignore it. She deserves respect and I try to swallow negative remarks.
c. I react naturally and answer her comments as it strikes me.
d. I think her comments over carefully and answer after some thought.
e. It depends in which areas I receive comments. If I feel confident in a certain area, I listen to her comments and go on with my life. If it's an area that I admit needs improvement, I may feel very sensitive and complain to my husband about it out of her earshot .
f. After a few years as a daughter-in-law, I noticed that my husband's comments are very similar to his mother's. (Maybe it's worth taking note).
g. None of the above.
