Sarah Shapiro, well known editor of "Our Lives" series, several anthologies for Orthodox Jewish women, author of "Growing Up With My Children," magazine articles (Jewish Observer) and, most recently, "Don't You Know It's a Perfect World?" (Targum - Feldheim), emphasizes the relationship of the parents and child, and the special atmosphere that is created during the reading of bedtime stories.
"I have found that reading aloud to children provides multifaceted benefit, both to your relationship and to the child's mind. As for the relationship, it is obvious that when you sit down and put your arm around a child and read to him, he becomes the center of attention. This is what every human being, as a child and probably as an adult, too, longs for. But if one does not get it as a child, he may seek other ways, sometimes even warped, to get attention when he gets older. One thing we can do for our children, which is hardly difficult compared to the general task of upbringing, is to sit down and read to them.
One problem I have found is that there are not enough good books to read. Fairy tales warp their minds in some strange way, while, on the other hand, religious books, I feel, are too blatantly moralistic, which I didn't like either. A child knows very well when he is being sermonized and I don't think a story is the place for that. Messages get through best, to anyone, when they are subtle.
Both my husband and I read to our younger children. It is a joy, a great joy, and an opportunity that won't come around again until I have grandchildren, and then it is again a pleasure. When you begin reading, all of a sudden the rest of the world doesn't matter. Nuclear bombs can be falling all around but the world ceases to exist at that moment. The child feels that his mother or father, the central figure in their world, is taking time off to read to him. That's what a child needs -- to feel important in this world, and reading is a simple way to accomplish this. It creates an oasis in time (a phrase I picked up from a religious poet named Osnat Petrie).
Many children's books on the religious market seem to hammer their message in. I think that life itself, the world of Hashem's creation, imparts many messages subconsciously. Art can also reflect that. If you want to talk about the glory of Hashem's creation, show it. If you want to talk about good behavor, don't communicate it by presenting a perfect child, but one who is struggling. This is common in secular literature. When reading secular stories to children, remember, you can delete what you don't want them to hear.
One of the lines I myself most benefitted from in books about tzaddikim was a line from the Artscroll biography of R' Moshe Feinstein. Interestingly, other people have told me that they also remember it. Somebody once asked him how he stayed so patient. I think he had been on the phone with a persistent (nudnik) caller. R' Moshe replied, "On the contrary, I have a very intense temper which I have to struggle to overcome." That was encouraging. That was what gave a lot of people strength, I think, to work on their tempers. Many biographies on Torah leaders inspire us by showing how perfect they are. But sometimes, what can help us is seeing the person struggle so we can find ourselves in there. The same thing is true for children. Sometimes, when you read about someone perfect, you feel more discouraged than when you began. You need to have some kind of entry into their world.
As far as writing and creating my own stories, when my children were little, I used to turn the light off so that they could fall asleep fast. Since I couldn't read from a text, I had to make up my own stories. What would happen? I would fall asleep and the children would stay awake. But I did create some wonderful stories that I must record some day; the children really liked them.
Q. What would you like your children to remember about these moments?
A. Not how mad I got if they didn't fall asleep. But they do remember the sublime experience of storytelling. Just yesterday, my twelve-year-old was sick. She reads by herself and it's been years since I've read to her. But because she wasn't feeling well, I offered to read to her and she said "Yes." I read to her some of the stories we used to read and it was so beautiful. It was a return to that oasis in time together, like an instant reentry into that beautiful connection that we had with each other.
Mothers may feel that when their child can already read by himself, the time has come to stop reading to them aloud. This is not so. It is important to continue reading to them. You create a lovely state of mind and share it with your child.
Q. What other benefits can children gain from a story?
A. Listening to stories has whetted their appetite and turned them into readers. It has also increased their vocabularies. The main thing is their relationship and interest towards books. You can read a child a book about a non-Torah subject, and later on, that same interest in reading will be channeled to Torah literature.
Q. What is so special about bedtime stories?
A. The fact that it bridges between wakefulness and sleep. Wouldn't you like to have someone read you to sleep with a story?
The period in childhood of storytelling is very brief. We never realize how quickly childhood passes. Or what a deep and lasting impression is made by everything that you said or commented. Children retain the whole experience and atmosphere; it is part of their pleasant memories.
Q. What kind of stories did you enjoy writing as a child?
A. Many teachers messed this up for me, I would say. They made writing into a chore. When I was in the first grade, however, I had a very strict teacher named Mrs. Slate. Every time we entered the classroom, there was a new poem written on the blackboard in big letters. I can still see those beautiful poems. We were supposed to sit and copy them in our notebooks. When I think back to them, I am always moved by her wisdom. It gave me a love for poetry. She didn't hammer the poems into our heads or loudly announce that it was Poetry Time. They were just there for us to copy and illustrate. I would draw the picture with such dark colors that somehow, the picture would disappear, but she never criticized. She taught me that you can convey messages with a light touch.
Writing should not be criticized. Writing should be made into a pleasure. Teachers kill the creative impulses by insisting that first you make an introduction, then you develop the main part of the story, and finally, you write down the conclusion. It just ruins it. Writing is an expression of the soul and it can come out in all sorts of ways. Children are afraid to begin lest they do something wrong. I see that in the creative writing workshop I have with women. All of us, including me, are so scared of making a mistake or looking stupid or not doing it the right way. There is no right way. Each person's way is right; this is what makes writing interesting -- to hear one's own personality, one's own views. Mechanics is not a priority. First a person should be opened up to express himself and along the way you can help with the grammar but not enough to kill the impulse.
One of the things I've noticed in writing workshops is that people want to know right away what they did wrong. And this stifles creativity. The cliche goes that every person has a story. They really have many stories, but if they are so choked by rules and regulations of composition and making it sound academic and impressive, it won't come out. It's like screaming at a flower that has just begin to grow, "You're not big enough! Your colors are not bright enough. You're not like that flower over there." But it's just starting to grow! Don't make it wither and die!
Q. How can mothers encourage their children to tell and write stories?
A. Give them a little notebook to write in. Tell them to write down just a few sentences of what happened today. With younger children, have them dictate to you. They become very excited to see it typed out and to hear it read back. It should be their stories. You are only recording it. They can illustrate it.
Q. How can mothers bring out their own talents as creative storytellers?
A. If it doesn't come easily, forget it. We have enough chores to do. You needn't shoot for super-Mom if you don't have it in you.
Children do like to hear about your own life. You can also retell stories you heard that made a deep impression on you. I once struck it rich when I told a story from the Holocaust about a man who did not lose his dignity. The children made me repeat it night after night. That was a very important story.
Q. Why is storytelling better than just sitting and talking?
A. I think the mind goes into a unique state of openness and imagination where visualizations are spontaneously operating. It's almost like a dream-state. Listening is so much more creative than seeing a movie where you are provided with ready-made images and there is no room for imagination. In stories, the listener is almost as much a creator as the storyteller.
Devora Piha, our Creativity expert, offers consultation, lectures, crafts groups and instruction for individuals and institutions on creativity and art. She can be reached at 02- 9931-592. Creativity, as you have seen, affects all areas of our lives, and should be used to enhance and heighten it.
E-mail address: newpiha@hotmail.com.
