Menucha is the popular author of sixty children's books,
eleven of which have already appeared in English, and a new
textbook Reader, "Sha'a Shel Menucha," for schools
abroad.
An Attitude of Gratitude
How can we teach a child to appreciate what he gets? How can
we train him to say "Thank you" and mean it? Many children
actually do not know how to be grateful and thankful for all
the good that is done on their behalf. They think that money
grows on trees and that time set aside for them is a
plentiful resource.
Self Training in Appreciation
Before we decide to instill some value in our children, we
must instruct ourselves in this very area. Children are a
race of imitators and when they grow up alongside parents who
know how to be appreciative and grateful, they will emulate
this behavior for they will naturally imitate their role
models.
A small child studies his father and mother in everything
they do. He examines how they interact with their parents,
how they react to society around them and how they treat
their own children.
It often happens that a parent will demand respect from his
children, that they acknowledge every little thing they
receive with thanks, but the parent, himself, may argue with
his own parents and not show them due reverence and may not
be in the habit of thanking them for what they do for him.
If a parent is lacking in appreciation, verbal and otherwise,
how can he expect this proper attitude in his children? He
has not set a precedent. This same principle applies beyond
the immediate home. Parents who contact their children's
teachers only when they have complaints and do not exhibit
any form of appreciation for what the teacher does for the
child throughout the year, are setting the example that
complaining is obligatory, while accepting the good is taken
for granted, no special thanks required.
When the child sees the delivery man come to his house,
unload a box full of groceries and leave without hearing a
single word of thanks, he absorbs the message that this is
superfluous. A mother who does heap her blessings on the
errand boy and brings him a glass of cold water teaches her
children an important lesson in acknowledging a service and
showing appreciation.
Our children do a lot in the house, whether they like it or
not, realize it or not, of their own initiative or not.
Wholeheartedly or halfheartedly, under protest. But they do
it and they deserve the proper recognition and thanks.
A child who washes the lunch dishes is doing a service for
the entire family. Does she not deserve a word of thanks for
it? True, this is expected of her, and her mother asked her
to do it and she cannot refuse. True, it was her turn to do
this chore today, but a word of thanks is surely in place!
A child who grows up in an atmosphere of appreciation and
thanks-giving is a child who is attuned to the obligation of
acknowledgement. He will feel the occasional urge to go up to
the teacher at the end of a very interesting lesson and say
it in so many words. It is not only a question of politeness
but of genuine feeling. He will acknowledge an excellent
performance in day camp and thank the organizers or
performers. He will also grow up appreciating his parents and
thanking them for having raised him and for everything they
do for him.
Training for Gratitude From Day One
Education in appreciation must begin from the moment a child
is born.
A newborn infant does not contribute a thing. He is purely
egoistic and at the complete mercy of his environment and
those who people it. He is literally borne on the arms of
those who care for him. He is fed, rocked, burped in the
middle of the night, soothed, dressed and kept clean. He
learns to demand and to receive on demand. With each passing
day, he internalizes this lesson more and more. He is a
recipient par excellence.
He thus learns that the more he demands, and the louder, the
sooner he will receive whatever he lacks. And if he gives a
big smile, his sister will take him out of his crib. He
naturally comes to realize that he has it made: he has it
"coming to him." Mother has to feed him and his older
brothers have to spoil and give in to him. His
relatives have to shower their attention on him and
compliment him for everything, and when Tatty comes, he must
look at him first.
This feeling and attitude is not at all desirable. As Jews,
we believe that everything we have, everything we are, is an
undeserved gift.
In order to decentralize a child, to make him aware of
considerations other than those in his own orbit, of factors
outside his own ego desires, we parents must learn to wean
children from having their whims selfishly fulfilled. He
must be trained in doing things himself, even if it is
difficult at first. The less a person receives, the sooner
he learns that every act of giving involves effort on the
other person's part -- and that it also requires thanks.
Giving -- A Preparation for Maturity
A child must become accustomed from early on to give to
others. When he gives, he feels how difficult it can be.
Parents who train their child in giving are preparing him for
adulthood. Conversely, a child who becomes accustomed to
receiving may grow up to be a bitter, dissatisfied person,
expecting much more from life than he is actually receiving,
while one who has, early-on, begun giving, will know that
there are some things he can have and some not, and whatever
he does get must be appreciated -- and the giver thanked. He
will learn to understand the true significance of the words
"Thank you."
Do Not Educate On the Spot
Appreciation must be inculcated as a way of life; it is not a
mechanical or courteous `thank you' to an uncle for a
birthday present or a grandparent for a sweet. A child must
feel gratitude in everyday things that are done for him in
any case, or things that others are also getting. When a
mother gives her child money for a class trip, even though
all his friends are also going, he should acknowledge a true
feeling of thanks.
Children should thank their mother for serving a meal, even
though this is her duty. Admittedly, it is difficult to
express thanks for something so routine and while this should
become ingrained as a habit with the child, the thanks should
be genuine and not rote.
The time to teach a child to thank someone for a gift is
beforehand, in the home. To prompt him at the time of giving,
"What do we say to your kind aunt?" is not advisable. It will
have no impact on the child and will be very forced and
phoney. Surely the aunt will not appreciate such a weak
thanks.
Chinuch does not come in a spray can: push the button
and out comes the thanks. It needs prior preparation,
discussion, repetition, true-life examples in the home so
that when the time comes, it will be naturally forthcoming.
And another thing: lessons should not be given in public and
mothers should remember this.
Bonus
Babies love to play give and take. This is the perfect
opportunity to ingrain "Please" and "Thank you."
Small children love games of the imagination. As we play with
them with their dolls or their toy cars and blocks, we can
interject the magic words of "Please" and "Thank you." When a
child forgets, we can pretend not to have heard him. "What
did you just ask for now? I didn't hear. I think you forgot
to say something..." "Ah, please. Now I hear you. Yes, of
course." Even better is to say that the DOLL forgot to say
"Please" and "Thank you."
Bonus No. 2
As Jews who acknowledge that everything is a gift from
Hashem, we must frequently employ the phrase "Boruch
Hashem" and mean it! We just bought a new appliance?
Boruch Hashem! We must see Hashem's kindness in
everything, big and little, and thank Hashem for it
continually and out loud to convey this message to our
children.
We must especially thank Hashem for our children, to their
face! "Boruch Hashem that I have such a wonderful
child like you! What a treasure you are!" Thoughts such as
these frequently expressed out loud will sink into the
child's subconscious to enrich him and train him in a
perennial attitude of gratitude.
An excellent game we can play with our children at any given
time, at bedtime, lunchtime, travel time etc., is: What
can we be grateful for today? What can we thank Hashem for
today? Children will come up with excellent ideas,
especially after we show them that we can be thankful for
every single little thing in life. [There is a popular
children's song, "Odeh Lecha Hashem" which expresses
gratitude for our two hands, two feet etc., things we always
take for granted.] And especially, non-material things, even
a baby's smile. Health, sun and rain, beautiful trees and
flowers outside... The sky's the limit.
Extra Bonuses
THANK YOU NOTES. Children love to write little letters and to
decorate them. You can write small notes of appreciation for
some service they did for you and encourage them to write
them to one another. Written messages are more lasting than
verbal ones; they have a way of lingering in one's memory
even after they get lost. They have the authority of a
written word, something personalized, with a signature, more
permanent than a word. Children who cannot write yet can
still express themselves through drawing and perhaps, be
taught to write their names, at least.
Going to a dentist appointment? Shopping? Are you leaving a
child with a list of chores to be done? Don't forget to add
"Thanks so much" at the end of the list.
Left a note on the door asking "Chaim -- please fetch Miriam
from kindergarten"? Add the single word "Thanks." It makes a
difference. You may be in a rush, but this is a worthwhile
investment of your time...
Ed. note: When our kids were still small, we used to play
a game "Mailbox." For about twenty minutes, each child would
go off to a corner and prepare some letters with a small
surprise or treat for each of his siblings involved in the
game at that particular time. When they were all ready,
someone would announce: "Delivery time," and everyone would
deposit their letters in the `mailbox,' a shoebox or carton,
and the mailperson would deliver the letters. It was a
tremendous source of fun activity in the house, with small,
usually used, gifts exchanged and "love notes" or "sorry
notes" etc. written and read.
