A LONELY CHILD OR A CHILD IN NEED OF SOLITUDE
Social problems and personality problems can be discerned by
observing if the child stays away or wants to be close to
people. The signs of a person who prefers to be a `lone wolf'
are a clamped mouth, an absent look, and an expressionless
voice, all of which broadcast `keep your distance'. A glance
steadily turned sideways, shoulders raised inimically, show
that that the child needs to be alone. Even if this is
worrisome, his wishes must be respected.
Research shows that one of the reasons children are
`lonesome' not of their own volition, is because they don't
participate or contribute in activities. They also
subconsciously project negative signals such as distress or
anger which keep other children at a distance. A child like
this needs a variety of opportunities to interact with others
in different situations and even learn `imitation patterns'
which teach him how to relate using his imagination.
TRUE OR FALSE?
It is important to discern the thin line between over-
exaggeration and unconscious lack of truth not only from an
educational point of view, but also to enhance communication
and sincere mutual relations.
There are signals which will reveal to the parents whether a
child did a good or a bad deed. A `good' feeling is one of
stability and balance - and this will show in his vertical
posture, the ability to look you straight in the eyes, and
breathe regularly. The feeling of `bad' makes him
uncomfortable and unsteady, and has an effect on his back,
his abdomen and his breathing.
The researcher Morris Rosemund suggests ways of discerning
fine subconscious body signals which tell us that the child
did something wrong. 1. Physical signs like heartbeat, blood
pressure and skin tone. 2. Leg and foot movements, tapping,
small kicks, which attest to aggressiveness or a desire to
run away. 3. The upper back is set or tense in conflict with
what he says. 4. General movements in the air with the hands
shows he's dispirited, and less in control than when he
points or waves his hand. 5. Spontaneous facial expressions -
muscle tension, dilated pupils, and movements at the angle of
the mouth, which are also less controlable.
The same signals tell us whether the child is `coloring the
truth'. Body language when a child is lying is the same as
when a child hasn't behaved properly. His body is confused by
his behavior; he is afraid of the consequences and is likely
to increase unbalanced or jerky movements - to `twist
himself', to speak in a doubtful tone of voice and to stumble
on his own words.
It's also possible to discern if the child's apologies are
sincere or are meant just to pacify the parent's anger . An
artificial apology is accompanied by small movements which
express hostility (such as bared teeth), nervous behavior,
sideways glances or scornful smile, back not straight and
head turned away - all these show mixed feelings. A sincere
apology is expressed by a bowed head and body, a hand held
out, eyes set downwards.
Most calls for help from children are expressed by special
hand and eye movements and less by the mouth. Sometimes there
are eating problems (rejecting certain foods, eating
excessively etc.) and sleeping problems (not wanting to go to
sleep, not wanting to get up, insomnia) or even illnesses and
injuries (not originally physical in cause). Stomach aches,
tensions, chronic headaches or breathing problems may show
that there are emotional problems and the child is calling
for attention and understanding.
This, in short, is the theory: greater awareness to changes
in behavior, feelings, facial expressions and body movements
can lead to a better parent- child relationship.
POINTERS
Avoid: "Look at me when I speak to you!"
Don't yell when you're angry. You don't have to have a `heart
to heart conversation' when you're upset, and above all don't
expect the child to behave according to rules, advises
Kiliam. One of the most common errors is to force the child
to think in a mature fashion. A child who prefers the `visual
mode' needs to look at the person who speaks to him, and even
feels he is not listened to if the person doesn't watch him
as he speaks. A child who tends towards the `hearing mode'
has the opposite need: to turn his glance away from the
speaker in order to concentrate on the words. He can feel
uncomfortable when forced to make eye contact.
If your child is the `visual type' and you are the `voice
type', don't get upset if he looks blankly at you. Don't say
`look at me when I talk to you' -- remember that he's
listening even if he's not looking at you and let him know
that you're also listening even if you're not looking at
him.
How To Deal With Tension
Here is a technique which yields immediate results (even an
older child can practice it in order to lower tension). 1.
Ask yourself: what is the problem bothering you - exams? A
punishment? People arguing? 2. How is your body reacting to
the tension - digestive disturbances? Back problems? Teeth
clenched? Headache behind the eyes?
The best way to work is when the problem arises or when the
physical signals crop up: Breathe deeply, if possible close
your eyes - if not, look down. Count from 1 - 10 and in the
meantime, tense all your muscles as tightly as possible. By
the time you reach `10', your body should be stiff as a
board. Now count backwards from 10 - 1. Relax all your
muscles, and exhale slowly. When you get to `1', be as loose
as a blanket. Repeat this several times and tell yourself
that any time you need to, you can repeat the exercise.
Using the `Carrot' Method to Educate
Many children who receive attention only when they misbehave
get punished as a consequence. This can encourage them not
only to repeat their behavior but to adopt the punishment
they receive from adults as an example to hurt others. One of
the ways to educate is to ignore bad behavior and reward good
behavior (almost without the stick). How is this done?
* When the child misbehaves, we give him a blank look and
speak with him in toneless voice. We are thus depriving him
of attention. * We don't punish or hit often. If we don't
know how to act we leave the room, count to 100 and come
back. * We give him positive reinforcement using signs such
as nodding, eye contact, and we reward good behavior with big
hugs and warm smiles.
