Ours is a world where people are looking for an easy life, a
good time, and instant gratification. As a result it is
natural that, when confronted with difficulties and
obstacles, modern man quickly plummets into despair.
A person's ability nowadays to suffer pain is pitiably
insufficient. Society wants things to work out effortlessly
as if a robot took care of them. R' Nachman of Breslov once
said, "The whole world is a narrow bridge." When something is
blocking that bridge, no matter how small the deterrent, many
people just back out. They are afraid to face challenges and
jolts and do not know how to cope with bad news.
Problem-solving skills are a thing of the past. Resilience --
the ability to bounce back when bad things happen -- is at
low tides. Life must flow smoothly, like a pleasant
stream.
The results of this "contemporary" outlook are many:
emotional breakdown when faced with financial difficulties or
minor health problems, inability to meet basic educational
needs, excessive giving in to children's demands, solving
marital disagreements through separation and, what has become
popular lately, a child encountering difficulties, either
educational or social, is promptly transferred to another
school.
I feel the need to write about this subject since, over the
last few weeks, I have seen cases from all over the country
each with the following scenario in common: After a child
fails in his studies or does not get along well with other
students, the parents immediately put him in another school.
The problems not only repeat themselves in the new school,
but they are much more critical. The parents then backtrack
and want to have their child readmitted to the first school,
but the first principal refuses.
In many cities, dozens of children roam around for months on
end without being part of any educational framework. In most
cases the parents themselves initiated leaving the school, or
at least waved a white flag when the children pressured them
to be put into another school. Only in a small minority of
the incidents did the school itself initiate removing the
child without concerning itself to find a suitable
alternative.
Perhaps we can animate the topic through a
more detailed description of a sort of composite case. Yossi
(a fictitious name) had serious social problems in school.
His father blames the school's principal and teacher. One day
the father arrives at the school and threatens the principal.
A few months later the family decides to transfer Yossi to
another school.
In the second school the problem is even worse. Yossi has
absolutely no friends and no social standing. Children treat
him badly and, even worse, the children disgrace his father.
Yossi runs away from that school and then his parents
transfer him to a third school, this time a smaller one. A
month later he runs away from that school too, for the same
reasons.
To date he has been home for four months. He is destroying
his parents, his siblings, and especially himself.
I met this completely miserable and hapless child. He is
isolated and bored, without any friends, and with no school
prepared to accept him. Even if he somehow manages to be
accepted into a school, without the correct treatment he will
soon drop out of that one too.
A second case: Eli (also a fictitious name), who is doing
poorly in his studies, has loud clashes with his teacher.
Here there is also parental intervention and, after a few
months, they decide to transfer him to another school. The
school's principal advises them to wait a little while he
tries to work things out between the child and the teacher,
but the parents hastily go ahead and transfer him to another
school.
What happens there? Naturally, the same thing. Within a week
the child is expelled from the second school because of wild
behavior. The parents try to bring the child back to the
first school but the principal flatly refuses. "The principal
suddenly remembers that Eli is extremely weak in
gemora and math and that he does not get along so well
with other children," the parents complain to me. "This is
clearly an attempt to shake off his responsibility. Why did
he suddenly remember that Eli is a weak student? Until now
they could deal with him -- and suddenly they cannot? Why are
they looking at their own prestige when my child's future is
at stake?"
I explained to them that just as parents must take care of
all their children -- whether successful or problematic -- so
does a school feel a need to take care of all of its
students. However, when you "left the family" and transferred
to another school, how can you demand loyalty from the school
when you yourself had no loyalty? Why should the principal
agree to accept a "new" child when the school knows that he
has problems?
At the end of a long, humiliating, and tiresome process, in
which the parents were forced to sign various agreements with
the school's administration, the child returned to the school
under restrictive conditions. When the parents complained to
me about this I answered them that in my opinion the school
should have forced them to even sign onto an agreement with
the janitor so as to give them a few more days of tension.
"Without doing so you will not learn that a child should not
be transferred to another school unless the situation is
truly past hope or cure."
These are not the only cases. Such situations
have become an epidemic. It shows that we cannot cope with
our problems and that we prefer easy solutions -- which are
actually not solutions at all.
Someone should make a survey among people who left work
either because they were annoyed with the working conditions,
the salary, or the way they were being treated, and then
quit. If they would be sincere enough to answer truthfully,
you would find that a majority are truly sorry that they
left. Their previous place of work was no worse than their
present one. We do not mean to rule out the possibility of
changing places of employment for certain reasons, but
someone who leaves because of an argument with the boss or
due to disagreeable working conditions will soon see that
other places are no better. Only if a person invests time in
changing himself can his place in society change.
The same is true with children. When parents see that their
child does not make any effort in his studies they must check
the reason behind this. They must try to rectify the problem
and help him progress in school. If other children do not
like him, a way must be found to integrate him with those
same children. It is usually worthless to try to solve the
problem by changing the school.
The next story will demonstrate what we mean:
A person at a medical checkup complained of pains throughout
his body. "It hurts me wherever I touch," he claimed.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and at its
conclusion told his patient, "I don't see any problem with
you."
"But I am suffering terribly," the man cried out. "Take a
look at what is happening to me! When I touch my shoulder I
feel terrible pain. When I touch my stomach I feel less pain
but it also hurts. When I touch my knee the pain is
insufferable."
"I know what's bothering you," said the doctor. "You simply
have an infection on your finger. You used your finger to
touch these places and therefore you felt pain."
When the problem is with a finger, what should be bandaged is
the finger. When a child suffers from a specific problem --
social or educational -- that problem should be taken care
of. The solution is not to change the school since the
problem is liable to return each time.
There are exceptional incidents where we are sure that a
certain school or teacher is unsuitable for the child. This
cannot be determined by a parent who by nature is subjective.
Only a rav or authorized educational advisor well familiar
with both the school, the child, and the child's family, can
ascertain this. Even if these experts decide that there are
indeed problems with that particular school they will
consider the matter many times before deciding to change
schools.
Difficulties crop up so that we can try to cope with them.
They are not there for us to try to circumvent them.
Transferring children from one institution to another in most
cases is only running away from confronting the problem.
There are, however, some who have
"successfully" tried changing schools. These parents have
managed through the change to smooth out all their problems.
Some have transferred their child to four schools and five
yeshivos. They have even managed, through gifts and
persuasion, to sweep away social problems with their child's
peers.
This "victory" lasts only until their children have to
confront problems alone. That moment must come at some time
during their lives, either after marriage or at work or after
parents pass away. They will eventually reveal their lack of
problem-solving skills and will then understand that their
parents were not fighting for them -- but against them.
