How can one bond children to prayer? Parents surely try to have their children daven but they are not always successful. Sometimes, a child does not want to go to shul at all.
HaRav Eichenstein: This is how I analyze this: First of all, a child is sorely lacking an understanding of the fact that we are standing before the A-mighty, and he rather feels as if he is like standing in front of a banking machine where one punches in his request and out comes the response. This is, of course, a sad misconception.
One must instill the child the realization that he is standing before Hashem, and Hashem is listening to his prayer. Not that He will always fulfill the request but He is attentive. This attitude creates an understanding of and a bond to prayer.
The next stage is to become accustomed to asking personal requests because these truly stem from the heart with full intent and attention. It is written in Chayei Odom that it is a good thing for a person to add a small personal prayer after Shemoneh Esrei, where he requests with all his heart what he feels he needs. And it is written further that this is the only way whereby one can fulfill the commandment of "with your whole heart."
True, there are many requests in the course of our prayer that we do not feel connected to and they are not said from the depths of our heart. One should seek a personal request into which he pours his whole heart, since he is thus carrying out the commandment of prayer.
It appears that this is the best way to cause young children to connect to prayer. They do not yet possess a taste and understanding for tefillah, nor can we expect them to daven without some sense of bonding to prayer, We can guide them in asking for things they truly want, according to their level and maturity, even if it be only a request to succeed in a test or to win a game. This, too, is considered serving Hashem "with one's whole heart" since this does come from the depths of the child's heart combined with the knowledge that Hashem is All-powerful and that He truly is the source of everything.
We should tell the child, "Do you want to succeed in winning the game or getting a good grade on your test? Then daven to Hashem because He listens and hears your requests." This will cause him to develop a real taste for prayer. The very idea of prayer will become familiar and he will latch on to it until, in the course of time, he will want to say all of the prayers.
If the head of the family is an avreich, and the family lives with scarcity, while the neighbors enjoy a much higher standard of living, what can one do to avoid the children from being envious?
HaRav Eichenstein: It is important to establish a sense of serenity and joy within the family, and pride of being a family of Torah. Well known is what HaRav Moshe Feinstein said, that in America of a century ago, it was almost impossible to survive without desecrating Shabbos. Those who did not show up on Saturday were fired and had to go looking for another job. Many Jews stood up to the difficult test and kept Shabbos, but of even in these families, many children went astray.
Rav Moshe explained: If the father returned home on a Friday, totally despondent, groaning how difficult it was to be a Jew and to have to go looking for a new job each week, the children would internalize the message — and turn out sour. But if he returned on a Friday and declared joyfully, 'See how happy I am to be able to keep another Shabbos? Hashem will surely provide for us next week too. In such a case, the children turned out to be good Jews."
If the avreich projects the feeling that 'How difficult is the life of an avreich; how sad it is that we don't have enough money for all the things you want." such an attitude will create many problems by the children.
When a positive atmosphere is created in the home, it dispels all feelings of jealousy. But such an atmosphere must be genuine and the parents must transmit it.
And that is the whole secret: a real sense of happiness and content in the home. True, the neighbors have more means but we are a Torah family. Ashreinu. How fortunate we are; how good is our portion in life. But this must be felt deeply.
On the other hand, if we don't give the children anything, they will surely feel deprived. Children often ask why don't we have things like the neighbors? Should we really provide them with more? What is the limit?
HaRav Eichenstein: In general, one can explain to children that living a life of Torah is a privilege as compared to a life of luxuries, and we are happy this way. However, there are certain needs which we must supply to our children. We can take them on outings that don't cost much and do activities that are also inexpensive, and thus make them happy and fulfilled.
How much entertainment and outings should we give our children?
HaRav Eichenstein: We should recognize that these are genuine and legitimate needs but also draw the line at indulgences. Going away with the children is normal. We are not machines and we do deserve a break or a change. If the children want to go on a trip, the parents should plan it together without including a stay at a five star hotel.
What happens if a family would like to go away but they don't have a budget for it? Should the parents make a special effort and perhaps take a loan?
HaRav Eichenstein: This is a real need which must be addressed but there are surely economical ways to go about it.
The general atmosphere today is superficial and shallow. How can we uplift our children and make them more refined and noble in spirit?
HaRav Eichenstein: This is a very good question which requires much effort in dealing with it. In our generation, the concept of the Divine Image and the holiness of man has become very eroded. We must begin from the very basic roots and explain the meaning of inner values and dignity, imbuing it constantly until it becomes entrenched. But this requires a great deal of investment.
