We all want to raise stable, resilient children. In every generation
the goals are the same but the challenges are different. How to deal
with our generation's unique challenges was the topic of two well-
attended sessions at the recent Agudath Israel convention.
Thursday Afternoon Session (for women):
Rabbi Aryeh Zev Ginzberg opened the session, "Safety First, Keeping
Our Children Safe," by relating a discussion he had with a
distinguished visitor to his shul who saw the ad for this session. He
asked "Why is there a need to find new ways to discuss these topics?
We've discussed this before. Why again?" Rav Ginzberg shared that
after Moshe Rabbeinu broke the first set of Luchos, he needed to go
back to shomayim for another 40 days to get the second set. Why did
Moshe Rabbeinu need another 40 days? Why could he not go up, get the
Luchos and come down? Rav Moshe Feinstein zt"l explained that after
the cheit haegel, the tzibbur was different and required a new
approach. We are also a "new nation", our children face things that we
have never faced and we therefore require a new approach in relating
to our children. We must change with the times.
Rebbetzin Bassie (Tress) Rosenblatt, LCSW, sensitively described that
we can't pretend everyone in our community is safe. She cautioned
against overreacting but instead encouraged more dialogue and
communication within our families. Rebbetzin Rosenblatt's comments
were refreshingly open. She directed parents to go out of their
personal comfort zone to have these discussions with their children to
enable them to create a more effective safe zone for themselves. She
emphasized that there is no longer a question IF parents should "the
talk" with their children about personal space, boundaries, good touch
and bad touch. She proclaimed that the question is WHEN and the answer
is NOW. She explained that parents shouldn't become mistrustful but
must become more aware. She encouraged all parents to be aware of how
their child's day was, talk to them about their friends and how they
are treated by their friends, and to role play with their children.
Show interest in the children's day-to-day lives and open
communication before there is a problem. This is groundwork that will
last forever.
Rebbetzin Devorah Yudkowsky, Executive Coordinator for Torah
U'mesorah, illustrated the spiritual dangers our children face at
every turn. Kiruv can no longer be directed exclusively at those who
come from not-frum families. Kiruv needs to be offered at every age
level and every level of observance. Rebbetzin Yudkowsky related a
moving story of a godol who advised a Bais Yaakov girl to be nice to
her "embarrassing" younger brother who didn't wear a yarmulke. The
girl followed this advice and saw dramatic positive consequences.
"Being nice" to children with challenges was a theme throughout many
of the sessions. It may not sound very meaningful to say that people
need to be told to "just be nice" but across the board children who
have struggled confirm that what helped them get their lives back on
track was that people cared about them.
The topic of bullying was described in great detail by Chaim Neuhoff,
Ph.D. Dr. Neuhoff engaged the audience by quizzing those in attendance
about their own concepts of bullying. Dr. Neuhoff stated that bullying
is abuse by peers. It's a pattern of harassment and threats that are
planned, deliberate behavior. He noted that the school yard and the
buses are the most common places of bullying as these are places where
children are the least supervised. Adults don't usually witness
bullying. It's the bystander, another student, who sees it and often
feels powerless to do anything. The onus is on the adults, parents and
the schools to make sure that proper supervision is provided in those
areas of our children's lives.
Sunday Morning Plenary Session:
Rabbi Yitzchok Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, former director of parent
mentoring for Project YES, opened the Sunday session entitled "Are
Young People Going Off The Derech or Being Pushed Off?" He related
instances in which parents were more concerned about appearance than
the welfare of the child. Rabbi Ackerman recommended the sefer Pele
Yoetz as a wonderful book on "Parenting", encouraged parents to ask
for help during the challenging times of parenting and also pointed
out that parents have no right to diminish the kovod of their
children.
Rabbi Yitzchok Lob, Psy.D. addressed the difficult subject of why kids
go off the derech. Having treated hundreds of children in his private
practice he noted that the one thing they have in common was not that
they went to the movies or to a bad web site but that at some point in
their young lives, they sustained a trauma that rocked the foundation
of their world. The trauma can be of the most serious nature and occur
even in their very own room. Or the trauma could be emotional abuse,
such as a parent repeatedly calling the child or spouse an idiot in
the home while outside the home treating everyone with the utmost
respect, leaving the child both hurt and confused.
Rabbi Lob cited numerous examples of how it's not what parents tell
their children but how they behave with them that ultimately matters.
As noted author Robert Fulghum puts it, "Don't worry that children
never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you." Rabbi
Lob advised that the most important thing that parents can do is to
work on their marriage. Taking the time, energy and patience to do so
will create an emotionally safe foundation for the family. Rabbi Lob
reminded the audience that safe doesn't mean perfect. Perfection is
not the standard; support and communication with children is. Such a
foundation will carry a child throughout life.
Rabbi Ronnie Greenwald, director of Camp Sternberg and Dean of Bnos
Chaya, has worked with teenagers for 50 years. He clarified that there
is a tremendous difference between "children at risk" and "children in
risk," maintaining that every child is at risk, but not necessarily in
risk. Many parents and teachers become frustrated with children who
don't follow the rules. He urged parents not to take these things
personally and begged them to understand that it's not about them.
It's about the child.
Rabbi Greenwald urged parents to remember that these are not bad kids.
They are kids in pain. A girl struggling with her Yiddishkeit may be
the first to pick up a Tehillim when hearing bad news. That connection
should be respected.
Rabbi Greenwald read a powerful suicide note from a girl who begged
her father to accept all his children as they are. He implored parents
to stop making "cookie cutter" kids. Children are different and
require different parenting. Parents should realize that children are
growing up in a different culture than they did. He relayed how the
Satmar Rebbe once told Rabbi Greenwald many decades ago that "what a
Jew didn't see in 18 years in Europe, he now sees in 18 minutes in
America." He urged parents to recognize that children are suffering
and exposed to more than they can handle. He encouraged parents to
keep the connection with their children even during hard times.
Rabbi Greenwald concluded with a powerful point asking parents and
teachers alike to pay attention to the child who is toeing the line
and doing well as much as to the child that doesn't.
Rabbi Mordechai Finkelman, Mashgiach Ruchani of Yeshiva Ohr HaChaim,
closed the session by illustrating numerous practical points and
techniques to increase parent/children/teacher relationships. Parents
and teachers together can offer children a protective system to fight
any negative incidents they may encounter. There must be a designated
person in every Yeshiva that a talmid can feel safe speaking to in
times of difficulty. The need for mutual respect between parents and
teachers is of utmost importance for the chinuch of the children.
Rabbi Finkelman also stressed the importance of helping children enjoy
learning and the importance of making Chinuch more enjoyable.
Those who attended the sessions came away with a strong feeling that
they gained from these speakers on relationships and parent-child
dynamics. The attendees felt empowered as individuals and a community
to help keep our children safe and secure.
Miriam Turk, LCSW is the Program Director for FEGS' Jewish Clinical
& Community Outreach and VP of Nefesh International.
