Re: "Hidden Secrets" and the final letter we will be printing
on the subject. [If you recall, this related to a woman who
discovers her new husband is taking medication. Some of our
readers maintained she should make the best of the situation,
after coming to terms with the deception, that is, the
withholding of that information.]
Dear Editor,
I think that the question of whether to continue the marriage
in the case described is a very intricate question and must
be dealt with very carefully. Surely the biggest factor is if
the person is consistently taking medication and is truly in
control. Another factor to consider is if she will have
support of family and Rav if the husband stops taking
medication and lapses into a full-blown manic- depressive
episode. Will she have the support needed to return him to
treatment?
Sometimes Rabbonim and family tend to blame the wife for not
being "a better wife" when she is dealing with behavior not
everyone else sees. However, if the person has consistently
been under treatment for several years, her risk is actually
low, and she has much to lose by divorcing him.
Staying married to a spouse who suffers from emotional
illness, especially if it is sometimes not well-controlled,
is actually not at all the same as keeping a disabled child,
or staying loyal to a spouse who has sustained an accident or
succumbed to Alzheimer's. In these three cases, the effect on
one's children is much less.
Surely, if a spouse has a "controlled" illness, breaking up a
family, especially when one already has children, is to no
one's advantage. But even if a spouse with emotional illness
is under control, the prospects of children inheriting the
same imbalances is a possibility. If the couple has no
children as of yet, the healthy spouse may want to consider
this factor, although he/she should get exact information
from an expert before deciding to break up the marriage on
this account. And if the spouse ever stops taking medication,
and lapses into illness, the effects on the household can be
devastating.
If she does remain in the marriage, I would recommend the
following:
1- Finances be arranged in such a way that either she
controls the money, or that neither spouse can withdraw large
sums without the permission of the other.
2- The family must have a Rav that they both "hold" by.
3- If possible, the wife should have a profession, so that
she could support herself if necessary.
4- If she would ever see that the husband has lapsed, she
should immediately get treatment for the spouse, and if the
children are embarrassed by behavior of the father, she
should obtain some type of counseling for them as well.
Signed, Name Withheld
P.S. I am currently married to a spouse with uncontrolled and
unmedicated manic depressive illness. For many years our
marriage was fine, but within the last ten years my spouse
has had four major periods of manic behavior. This has had a
profound negative effect on several of our younger children.
Unfortunately, there is a tendency within the community to
blame the healthy spouse for not being more flexible, which
is much easier than pressuring the sick person to get
treatment.
