Part I
Many years ago, when Leah first became a Bubby, she offered
to babysit her infant grandchildren a few days a week. Her
macheteniste was incredulous. "I would never babysit
my grandchildren," she told Leah. "I raised my own; let them
raise theirs."
"Then you don't know what nachas is," Leah replied
sweetly. "The pleasure of having grandchildren is to help
take care of them and spend time with them. And that's how
you get close to them."
Bubbies have cared for their grandchildren for as long as
anyone can remember. Back in the shtetl it was much easier,
as extended families lived close together. In the West,
frequent phone calls, cards and gifts had to do when married
children and grandchildren lived thousands of miles away.
To our delight, today in Eretz Yisroel, Bubbies and babies
are back together again. Many young couples rent an apartment
near one of their parents for the first year or two of
marriage; if prices are low enough, they might even buy an
apartment close by. Those who live "farther away" (in Eretz
Yisroel, that means no more than a two-hour bus ride) visit
regularly for Shabbosim and yomim tovim. And some
Bubbies travel to their married children's homes once a week
to help out and bond with the kids.
Then there are the Bubbies who have elevated the connection
into an art form by actually babysitting their grandchildren
on a regular basis. Setting aside the newfound freedom that
comes with this stage of life and committing themselves to
what is essentially another job (with their "employer" being
their own child!), they revel in the fringe benefits, like
the unusual closeness that develops from caring for their
grandchildren every single day.
There's no rule book here. When the first three Bubbies we
approached described a different modus operandi, we realized
this is a highly personalized undertaking. All Bubbies will
agree that boundaries must be established, physical and
emotional strengths wisely apportioned, and the needs of
other family members taken into consideration. They'll add
that it's not for everyone, but the rewards far outnumber the
challenges.
Why Babysit?
"I wouldn't have it any other way," says Hadassah, a mother
of four and grandmother of six in her late forties, who
clears her whole morning for babysitting. "I'm the grandma
here; how could they send their baby to anyone else?"
As we chat in her kitchen, Hadassah prepares snacks for
eighteen-month-old Miri and her eight-month-old cousin Shani,
who are both napping. The feeling of family is the main
reason Hadassah decided to take on this "job." Her own mother
lived next-door to her when her first child was born, and she
remembers her comforting and nurturing presence. When
Hadassah's married son and daughter bought apartments in the
same neighborhood, her dream became a reality. She babysits
from 9:00 a.m.-1:30 p.m., five days a week.
"Because of this arrangement, my two boys who are still in
yeshivah got to be very close to my first grandson; they
became more like brothers than uncles," she adds. "They would
come home for lunch and play with him every day. And it's
actually very exciting for my husband and me. It's brought a
lot of pep into our marriage."
Rachel, whose three daughters are all married, always felt
close to her children. "The same need in me to take care of
my children just overflowed to my grandchildren," explains
Rachel, who is in her late fifties. "I came to Eretz Yisroel
when my oldest was nine months, and encountered a system
where everyone worked and left their children at the daycare
center or the babysitter. I couldn't do that. So I became a
babysitter in order to stay at home with my children. I did
that until my youngest was five years old and ready for
kindergarten. That way I had an income as well as playmates
for my daughters."
Unlike Hadassah, Rachel babysits while she works full-time at
home. When her one-year-old granddaughter needs a feeding, a
diaper change or a game, she stops her computer work and
attends to her. Otherwise, the baby naps most of the morning.
Her three-year-old grandson, who comes twice a week in the
afternoons, enjoys playing with the many toys Rachel has on
hand. She can do this, she notes, because she's able to make
up any missed hours at night.
Baila, a woman in her early fifties who manages a large and
busy household, has babysat many of her grandchildren since
infancy to ease her children's financial burden. "It's that
much less money they need count in their budget, and my way
of helping them financially," she explains.
Hers is an all-day, drop-in service. In the mornings,
daughters who work in or near the neighborhood drop off their
babies; they will pop in again to feed and change them. In
the afternoons, other daughters who live in the neighborhood
and work outside it send their children over after school, to
play until evening. With half a dozen unmarried children and
their friends in the house during the day as well, Baila
relies on all the "action" to keep everyone occupied while
she does her household chores.
"We also save a great deal of money," Rachel concurs. "Two of
my daughters got married when they were still in school. If I
hadn't taken care of their babies, I would have helped them
financially with daycare. I don't know that we would have
been able to afford it, and then my daughters wouldn't have
been able to finish school."
But doesn't it take a lot out of you?
Hadassah: You know what? I discovered that it was hard to get
up from the floor after playing with the baby! But I laughed
at it, and I learned that I have to get up first and then
pick her up.
You have to know your own strength and your limitations. My
first grandson was very active and very mature. By the time
he was one and a half, I could see that he needed more than
just Bubby. So I made a new rule: This Bubby only does the
first year. But if a child is sick or his parents need to go
away, of course he can come to Bubby anytime.
Rachel: I would compare it to having your own children
— you don't question how much you have to put into it.
I feel that Hashem gives me the stamina to do it because it's
the right thing. Other people my age have less koach
to make up their work in the evenings, but Hashem gives me
the energy and endurance to do that too.
Baila: At one point I had six or seven little boys here every
afternoon. They were all two or three years apart. Had they
been in kindergarten, their activities would have been very
structured, but since I'm not a gannenet and I don't
structure my house, it got a little wild and unruly around
here. Sometimes they also brought their friends home from
school with them!
I try to ignore their antics to an extent, but mentally, it
does drain me. Sometimes I feel I pay a high price in terms
of the emotional energy that I don't have left for other
things. But the alternative is to send them away, which I
choose not to do. I want them to feel that Bubby's house is
where they want to be.
How does it affect your schedule?
Baila: You get tied down at a time when your life is getting
more complicated. If it's your own nursing newborn, you just
pack him up and take him wherever you have to go. But if
someone else has to nurse the newborn, you have to stay put.
Since there are times I have to leave the house, the
agreement is that I can say "no" and my children will have to
find someone else (usually a brother or sister) to help out
during that time. And I don't do it on Fridays!
Hadassah: I had to figure out how to shuffle everything I was
doing in the morning to the afternoon and evening. I do
different chessed projects on the phone. My husband is
happy about that, though, because phone calls are cheaper in
the evenings!
The nice thing that happened to me was that my daughter
insisted I have a morning off. I thought it was ridiculous,
but I saw she was right. I've been going to the same
shiur every Tuesday morning for the past twenty years,
and she wouldn't let me give it up. If you're not honest with
yourself about what you can and cannot do, you'll end up
feeling miserable and resentful.
Rachel: I treat it like a job, because otherwise I won't be
much help to my daughter. While she teaches, her husband
learns in kollel. On the four or five occasions that I had to
cancel because of a business meeting with a client, her
husband had to stay home with the baby.
Once I almost lost a job because the client felt that if
there were children in the house, I wouldn't be focused.
That's just not true. For seven years I've worked for one
client who is very happy with my work. Whenever he calls up
and hears the baby crying in the background, he says, "Go be
a grandmother and call me back in ten minutes."
What about Zaidy?
Usually Zaidy is out learning or working in the mornings, so
Bubby just has to have lunch ready when he returns. In
Hadassah's case, however, Zaidy stays close to home all
day.
"I have to be careful not to ignore my husband and go to the
grandchildren," she notes. "Sometimes he makes comments like,
'Oh no, look who we have here again.' I think it's easier for
Bubbies to babysit than Zaidies — they're getting older
and they value their privacy and space. Even before taking
the grandchildren, you should ask your husband first. When I
realized it was important for my husband to have breakfast
with me, I asked my daughter to bring the baby later."
The feelings of the other children living at home must also
be considered. "My little ones are sometimes jealous," Baila
observes. "Some of them found it hard to understand the
difference between a child and a grandchild. My youngest
child is younger than my oldest grandchild. She just knows
that she sleeps here and he doesn't. There were times when
she really resented the grandchildren coming here after
school, and that's when we stopped serving them dinner and
sent them home by 7:00."
"Just because my yeshivah boys are older doesn't mean the
jealousy isn't there," Hadassah adds. "I have to be careful
not to talk about the grandchildren too much. And when my
sons are around, I let them hold the babies while I step out.
I don't want them to feel that the grandchildren get more
time than they do."
Teenage daughters are a wonderful help and a great back-up
for babysitting Bubbies. Yet one must be careful not rely on
them at the expense of their personal and social development.
Aviva has been able to babysit her infant granddaughter every
afternoon primarily because her thirteen- year-old daughter
is so eager to help out. But now Aviva is seriously thinking
of ending the arrangement when her daughter enters high
school. "I don't think she will have the time to succeed
academically or socially if she's taking care of a baby at
home," she explains.
How have you benefited personally?
Rachel: The closeness is the biggest benefit. The joy of
seeing how comfortable they are with me and in my home, since
I've been with them from infancy on a regular basis. I am
also very close to my grandchildren who live further away,
since I visit them once a week and they come to me a few
times a year for Shabbos while their parents go away.
I also know there are things I did with my grandchildren that
definitely shaped their development. I bought shape sorters
and ring games, and sat with my grandson daily and taught him
to do it. Then I told his parents, "Look, he can do this,"
and they started doing it with him at home. I've also noticed
when my granddaughter is ready for something before her
parents do. That interaction with their development means so
much to me.
Baila: I have a different relationship with the grandchildren
who come here regularly than with the ones who visit only
once a month. The ones I babysit feel more comfortable and
closer to me. And the grandchildren who live nearby stop in
every day to pick up cookies on their way to school.
Hadassah: I'm seeing all the "firsts" that Mommy and Daddy
are missing — crawling, giggling, standing. It's
wonderful. I also find that babysitting relaxes me, because
my whole morning is for the grandchildren. I don't answer the
phone while they're here, and just dabble a little here and
there. I play, read stories and prepare snacks. I'm much
calmer than I was as a mother.
Any tips for interested Bubbies?
Baila: You need patience, a good sense of humor, and a
lifestyle that fits it. If you're tied down to some of your
own children, it will be less disruptive than if your
children are older and more independent. When I started doing
this, I had babies the same age. Now I'm starting to feel
more tied down by it.
Hadassah: If you look at your mornings as, "This is my time
and no one is going to take it away from me," then don't even
think about babysitting. For some Bubbies, a once-a- week
visit is enough.
Rachel: My advice to other Bubbies is to do it for yourself
as well as for your children. As far as I'm concerned, I
wouldn't have it any other way.
Next week: The fine line between Bubby and parent.
BOX:
Great-Grandmother's Baby
In a vivid display of love and devotion, a year of
babysitting her great-grandchild imbued one woman with
special strength.
"When my eldest daughter was born, my mother-in-law came to
stay with us for a month to help after the birth," says
Malka, who made aliyah with her family fifteen years ago. "My
mother-in-law moved to Eretz Yisrael shortly after we did.
Later, when my daughter was looking for a babysitter for her
third child, my mother-in-law agreed to take care of the
baby."
The arrangement lasted about a year. "My mother-in-law gave
the baby her first solids and watched her take her first
steps," Malka recalls. "My daughter had full confidence in
her. The only problem was when my son-in-law came to pick up
the baby at 4:00 p.m., it would break my mother-in-law's
heart to wake the baby from her nap!" As time passed, Malka's
mother-in-law grew weaker and less independent. A woman came
in for three hours every morning to help her. Yet she never
stopped babysitting. It seemed to infuse her with vitality
and purpose.
"In her last days, when my mother-in-law was fighting to hold
on to consciousness, my daughter brought her little girl to
the hospital to visit her," Malka relates. "Suddenly, it was
as if the clock had been turned back and she had more energy
than she'd had in a week. A couple of days later she passed
away, but her gradual, steady decline had a dramatic
interruption when 'her' baby came to visit!"
*
And a poem which just came in and fits this to a T
Written by a surrogate mother, babysitting after Ima gave
birth . . .
Bubby-Baby Bonding
by Bayla Gimmel
"Hello, Sweetheart!" (I'm all positive smiles)
"Waahhh!!! Where's Mommy?" (can be heard for miles)
"Here's a yummy yogurt." (A bribe can't hurt
But tossed off the highchair, it's starting to spurt)
"Let's clean up the mess and then take you out."
(Is that the hint of a smile? No, more of a pout)
"I'll look for your sweater. Let's go to the park."
(Who said these two days would be much of a lark?)
"The toddler swing's free. Let's try to grab it!"
(By now, I think those wails are from habit)
"Up we go and back down—-it's all very simple."
(Amazing—-I think that he's starting to dimple)
"Great! For story time, you will sit on my lap."
"Now into your crib for a well-deserved nap."
"It's bath time, then supper and time to see Tatty"
(But first an emergency race to the potty).
"It's breakfast again," (the start of Day Two)
"Let's get you dressed. But where is your shoe?"
"We'll build with the blocks and make shapes out of clay."
"Now where is my siddur?" (There's still time to
pray?!)
"Let's make a sign. I'll get markers and paste."
"We'll bake some cookies and you'll get first taste."
(The sign came out fine; it looks great on the door)
"A picture for Bubby? And you're making more?"
(This bonding is really starting to take.
Those gurgles and smiles are not at all fake)
"When Mommy gets home with your new baby sister,
We'll hug, kiss and tell her you just barely missed her."
