Part Four: A Good Heart
In the second perek of Ovos, we learn about how
Rabbon Yochonon ben Zakkai asked his talmidim to go
out and find the best, most direct path that a person should
adopt in life. His five talmidim gave five different
answers: a good eye, a good friend, a good neighbor, concern
for the consequences of our actions and a good heart.
Rabbon Yochonon ben Zakkai accepted the opinion of Rabbi
Elazar ben Aroch, who said that a lev tov, a good
heart, is the best way of life for us to choose. Rabbon
Yochonon ben Zakkai explained that a lev tov is the
most preferred path because it is all-inclusive.
The heart, besides being a vital physical organ, also has an
indispensable spiritual function. Rabbeinu Yonah's commentary
on this Mishna cites the Rambam's explanation of why a
lev tov is so vital and all- inclusive. According to
the Rambam a good heart will correct, and ultimately perfect,
our middos and our attitude: "Since a person's beliefs
stem from the heart, when there is a good heart all the
middos will be correct and attitudes will be
proper."
The Rambam goes on to explain that this will result in our
being satisfied. We will associate with good people, and we
will desire only that which is beneficial.
The desire to do chesed originates in our hearts. To
the extent that we correct and refine our middos, so
will be the success that we have in bringing menuchas
hanefesh into our homes. The home is the best place for
us to perfect our middos. By doing chesed at
home we can create a strong desire for doing acts of
lovingkindness for anyone and everywhere. We can train
ourselves to become kindhearted and good-natured.
If we lack menuchas hanefesh, it is because we are
selfish. The selfish motivations of jealousy, lust and
vainglory cause our lives to be chaotic. These motivations
very powerfully affect our attitudes and concepts about
life.
Only Torah is strong enough to control these powerful
motivations and direct them to productive ends. Without
Torah, life becomes an arena of unrelenting selfishness. With
Torah, this world becomes an opportunity to do chesed.
It all depends on our hearts.
The desire to do chesed originates in our hearts. Our
hearts can be for ourselves or they can be for others. We can
be for ourselves or we can be for Hashem.
Thus, the lev tov is instrumental in bringing the
Shechinah into our homes. With a lev tov we can
do, easily and gladly, all the very many different acts of
kindness that a home requires. With a lev tov, we can
eagerly seek out every opportunity to do chesed with
our spouses and children. This will bring kedushoh to
our homes and simchah to our lives.
We all do chesed. So many times however, because we
have selfish motives, our attitude is biased and our
chesed is insufficient. Pure chesed requires a
pure heart.
If we want, the Shechinah can dwell in our hearts.
However, before this can happen, we must first desire to help
other people, without selfish motivations. The Midrash
Rabbah (Shir HaShirim 5:1;2), based on the posuk
in Tehillim (73:26), refers to HaKodosh Boruch
Hu as the heart of Klal Yisroel. Consequently, we
all possess the potential for doing pure chesed.
The heart, besides being the source of our emotions, is also
the source of our attitudes and opinions. Since our
motivations stem from the heart, our experience of the world
depends upon our heart's desire. What path we seek in life,
how we select our goal in life, and how we go about achieving
it — all depend on our hearts.
Chesed
In the first perek of Pirkei Ovos, we are
taught that the world is based on and endures because of
three things; Torah, avodoh and acts of kindness. A
lev tov will give us wisdom to learn, pray and do
chesed wholeheartedly. If so, our homes — and
consequently the world — will have a strong
foundation.
Most of us act kindly when it is easy; when the act of
kindness does not conflict with our own selfish concerns.
However, if chesed is required when we are tired,
hungry or irritable, then we shy away from helping others. If
the chesed will require time or money, we find it even
more difficult to respond positively.
The obligation to do chesed exists even when, and
especially when, we have to put ourselves out for it. We all
do easy, effortless acts of chesed. When chesed
takes effort and requires self-sacrifice, then we shy away
from giving true expression to the unlimited potential for
chesed that exists within us all.
The Tzelem Elokim within us gives us the potential to
perfect ourselves. A lev tov is the key that unlocks
our potential to do chesed and allows the
Shechinah to enter our lives. Doing chesed is
the way to train ourselves. This training is most effective
especially when the doing of chesed is difficult.
To do chesed under difficult and stressful
circumstances requires practice. The very best place to
practice this is the home. However, before new couples can
practice in the home, they have to have education and
training — education about the importance of Torah and
training about how to live a Torah life together.
It also takes preparation — preparation to appreciate
their roles in life. With proper guidance, young couples will
be prepared to assume their respective roles in marriage.
They will understand that the Torah marriage requires husband
and wife to have a common, united goal: Building a Torah
home.
This common goal will focus the energies of the husband and
wife. They will seek ways of nurturing an enjoyable life
together. Eventually, despite any typical initial letdowns or
frustrations, they will enjoy a pleasant life together. As
they gradually adjust to each other, the Shechinah
will enter their lives and light up their homes.
Especially today, with so many harmful, non-Torah influences
at the doorsteps of our homes, we must train and prepare long
before the chuppah. Before the wedding, we cannot
really tell what our spouses will be like. We cannot even
imagine what we will be like. After the wedding, the
new couple can see themselves, and each other, without
illusion.
Their goal keeps them together. The wedding is the beginning,
not the end. As long as we remember that the goal is to build
homes of kedushoh, homes that foster menuchas
hanefesh, then any initial letdowns will not dampen our
aspirations for a true Torah home.
Our homes should be shining examples that are capable of
inspiring others in the same way as the Beis Hamikdosh
inspired Klal Yisroel — homes that direct
our hearts to seek more yiras Shomayim and greater
perfection in learning Torah.
Even though common goals enable the couple work for their
common benefit, goals on their own are not enough. For the
sake of our marriages, we must learn to control our selfish
tendencies long before we actually get married.
This is why it is so important for couples to understand and
share these goals before we begin to build our homes. If not,
marital challenges develop into problems and, if unresolved,
chas vesholom, can result in doubts about the
marriage. Unnecessarily, people begin to think about whether
or not they made the right decision. A clear agreement about
goals enables the marriage to remain stable during the early
stages of adjustment.
Throughout life, but especially during the first years of
marriage, people experience disappointments and frustrations.
First, we must expect, and then prepare, to cope properly
with these unpleasant, but very common occasions. Chazal
teach us "all beginnings are difficult." Rashi (Shemos
19:5) cites this Chazal as an important preface to
Klal Yisroel's acceptance of Torah; that we have to be
prepared for difficulties.
Many times, young couples never knew about the high
expectations that Hashem Yisborach requires of their
marriage. The tallest skyscrapers have the deepest
foundations. Many difficult months are spent digging,
drilling and blasting, deeper and deeper, until a foundation
is built solidly on solid bedrock.
Afterwards the construction begins, level after level, until
the foundation surfaces to the street level. Only then, after
all this preparation, can the building proceed into the air.
If the foundation is stable, the construction can continue
upward many flights. In the end, the building towers high
above the original foundation.
Our job in life, and especially in marriage, is to build. The
difficult groundwork insures the stability of the structure.
If the beginnings are difficult, it means that the beginning
is a true beginning — a true beginning that will
culminate in the joy of a Torah marriage that lasts for
life.
The highest degree of menuchas hanefesh comes from the
knowledge that we are fulfilling our purpose in life. Whether
it is learning Torah or taking care of the home, both are
ruchniyus. The foundation of the Torah home rests on
this premise.
The Torah home endures when together, by doing chesed
with each other, the husband and wife fulfill their equally
important tasks in life. To do so gladly, for a lifetime, the
couple must understand and appreciate ruchniyus.
No other chesed can compare to the chesed that
spouses can do by helping each other — the husband
helping the wife and the wife helping the husband. On the
other hand, we all tend to minimize the efforts we put into
doing chesed with those who are closest to us.
Therefore, we must be extra cautious to take care of our
spouses in the proper way and under all circumstances. If
not, we will, chas vesholom, overlook our
responsibilities to each other.
Chesed is the way the Tzelem Elokim within us
expresses itself. Thus, our potential to help others is
infinite. Selfishness limits our greatness.
The home is the place where we can best excel in
chesed. The home is no place for selfishness. There
are too many opportunities and obligations to do
chesed with our spouses, chesed with our
children and chesed with ourselves.
Our homes are where we can best cultivate and express how
much of a Tzelem Elokim we really are. This is the
purpose of our life and, more than any other place, our homes
are where we have the opportunity to actualize this potential
for giving.
Hashem Yisborach expects each of us to actualize this
potential. Marriage is the best opportunity we have to do it;
provided we give marriage the necessary time, patience and
attention to grow into the magnificent relationship it can
be.
Shechinah
During Kabbolas Shabbos, we recite the posuk,
"The voice of Hashem is powerful, the voice of Hashem is
majestic!" (Tehillim 29:4). In the Siddur
HaGra, the commentary Avnei Eliyahu explains the
phrase, "The voice of Hashem is powerful," to mean giving
potential. We are not born perfect and complete. Our final
perfection, the true manifestation of what we can become, is
concealed from us at the beginning of our lives. Our
perfection is latent, existing only as potential.
Perfection waits within us, allowing our lives to unfold.
Hashem bestows perfection to a person according to the
desires of the recipient. Only after we have prepared
ourselves and we have learned enough about what we need to
know, then finally the potential that is within us becomes a
reality.
Torah is the great teacher. Only Torah can teach us
everything we need to know how to transform our lives from
latent potential into true reality.
Thus, according to the explanation of the Avnei
Eliyahu, the posuk, "The voice of Hashem is
powerful," means that Hashem grants potential and abilities
to a person. Hashem gives us the potential; He gives us life
— and the challenges of life — as the opportunity
to actualize our potential. Hashem allows the potential to
achieve its reality, as long as we do everything in our power
to actualize the true magnificence of our lives, our
marriages and our homes.
Building takes time. Therefore, the Avnei Eliyahu
teaches us that the phrase, "The voice of Hashem is majestic
(behodor)" refers to the final product. True
magnificence occurs when we demonstrate through our behavior
the greatness and gloriousness of our Creator. Having
actualized our potential through Torah, our homes reflect the
beauty and splendor inherent in the Tzelem Elokim that
each of us possesses.
Bringing the Shechinah into the home is the purpose of
marriage. The bond between husband and wife has the potential
to grow ever stronger. The strength of this bond depends on
their mutual understanding — and consequential
fulfillment — of their different but complementary
roles, tasks and goals in life. Therefore, marital teamwork,
if carried out with joy and respect, will result in
kedushoh and Shechinah.
Perfection awaits every one of us. It is all there in
potential. It takes lots of effort, but the goal is all well
within our reach. This is why we are alive. Marriage is a
process, and Torah is essential for the process to work.
Torah is the basis of our life, the basis of our marriage and
the basis of our homes.
