Question:
Dear Shadchante,
I wondered if you could bring up the topic of giving and
getting a NO /negative answer in shidduchim. I see
this as a thorny patch in the world of shidduchim,
both from the vantage point of a parent of eligibles and from
that of a non-professional shadchan.
I have friends who would jump in and start suggesting
shidduchim but are held back by the bad feelings that
come with relaying the big NO. Sometimes the YES and NO are
mutual or close to mutual on both sides but when it's uneven
it can really be heartbreaking, particularly for veteran
singles. Any way to soften it?
As a shadchan, myself, my knee-jerk reaction is to
preface the NO with a compliment, plus supply another
suggestion if possible. As time goes on, I feel a bit false
with this set-up. I feel it may be condescending but it's my
gut reaction.
What do you say?
Kein Yirbu Semochos
Answer:
Dear colleague, since we see so many people looking for their
intended mate and not necessarily finding their other half
easily, it is praiseworthy to help out. When there is no one
else to do the job, we push ourselves to take initiative.
Where there is a will — there is a way. I have written
before that whether we can or cannot help someone by offering
suggestions or making contacts, a prayer is always
welcome.
Although all of us caring people would like to see everybody
happily married even with the best tools for the trade, no
one can predict if two people will like each other!
Therefore, negative responses are inevitable. A matchmaker
can only try her best, but the outcome is not in our hands.
We are not prophetic to know who is intended for whom. I have
seen great ideas fall through and not such great ones
succeed.
Fear of Letdown
To be afraid to suggest something because they might say
"no," can hold you back from taking action. True, if Hashem
wants, He will find another messenger. At the same time, why
lose a mitzvah if it comes your way?
Rabbonim advise not to wait too long to suggest, but to act
quickly once you are convinced that the suggestion is a
possibility. Otherwise, we may get busy with other things and
end up putting it out of our minds because of other concerns.
[Once I woke up in the middle of the night for a crying baby.
I was half asleep, when all of a sudden I was struck by an
idea of a match — I quickly wrote it down in my
notebook so as not to forget!]
Potential
There are different opinions regarding the shadchan's
responsibility in mentioning a name that could be a far-
fetched possibility or if they need to be more through and
find out more about the candidate in order to recommend it
fully.
I heard directly from a godol that to suggest a match
without a basic idea that it could be suitable would fall
under the transgressions of bein odom lechaveiro.
Although the matchmaker is usually not accountable for
detailed inquiries, at least you need to have an idea of what
both parties are looking for and some basic background
information.
If you cannot provide even one substantial reason why
specifically this boy should meet this girl in particular,
you have not fulfilled your responsibilities to the parties
involved. Therefore, the bottom line in making a suggestion
is to ask yourself if there is potential. Do you have a good
reason to possibly think that the couple is suitable for each
other? What leads you to think so, aside from a vague
feeling?
I believe it is praiseworthy, if necessary, before involving
both parties directly, to consult with people who know them.
You can even describe some of the thoughts you have and
confirm which candidates are more fitting. Sometimes a single
phone call can save people from the pain of pointless
inquiring and dating.
Otherwise it's gambling and inflicting pain on others. The
habit of bombarding people with offers can cause couples to
meet unnecessarily. Can you just throw ten names at a boy
because you happen to know so many girls? Have you really
thought about it and truly believe that all of them are
serious possibilities?
There is also the aspect of breach of modesty. One gets more
confused by comparing. If Yanki doesn't feel Batya has all
the qualifications, he might have information on a different
prospect and consider that there is yet Sheindel with her
qualities, while Perel, third on file, can't be ignored and
Bracha was also highly recommended, etc. So when he meets
one, he can't really focus on her because there are others on
the "back burner" . . . Rather than viewing each girl for
what she is, he might in his mind, be considering more than
one at a time!
As a shadchan, the more your suggestions are on
target, the better service you will be providing. You can in
conversation try to feel out the priorities by perhaps
hinting to different virtues of possibilities without giving
out the identifying particulars. You can try to present
different factors to understand which that person would give
precedence to. That way, you will be able to sort out,
according to the client's needs, whom to mention first.
Systematically, using considerable thought, try to ask
pointed questions in order to sift through the suggestions
that are really the most promising. Only when those are ruled
out, should you go for the additional ones.
If you conclude that the idea is clearly not feasible, be
happy to humbly retract the proposition. Your goal is not to
brainstorm for offers, but to sort through what could really
be appropriate.
I'm not impressed when mothers of boys tell me that they have
a long list of names. How many of them are really on target?
Are they coming from a matchmaker that sets up hundreds so
that, statistically speaking, she might succeed on at least
some? Or from a caring, objective individual who truly has
their best interests in mind? A single called this trend of
carefree submitting and passing around names a "gambling
casino." In such a system, well-intentioned people
irresponsibly set many people up, treating them like numbers,
trying to hit the jackpot.
The older bochur concluded: "We must never lose sight
of the fact that we are dealing with people`s lives —
with their deepest emotions. An ill-conceived date is lost
time, lost money, and, most of all, lost emotional energy. It
makes it that much harder to keep one`s spirits up and
approach the next date with a hopeful attitude."
The minimum and maximum that can be expected from a
shadchan is that the date make good sense, even if it
doesn`t work out. If someone who facilitates
shidduchim — even if successful upon occasion
— has caused great pain to many hundreds of people,
s/he has to truly think if she has lost more than gained.
Dedication to the Individual
By setting people up more qualitatively, instead of
quantitatively, many of the pressures of dating will be
avoided.
The goal is not to arrange the greatest number of dates
possible but to invest a dedicated effort for each
individual, even when you don't even have any suggestions at
the present moment.
If we are truly acting as Hashem`s agents, we must emulate
His methods: just as He takes a detailed personal interest in
each individual, so must we. If this means spending time just
becoming acquainted with basic information, thereby getting a
real sense of who that person is, that is what must be done.
And if this means that you will have time to help fewer
people, so be it. That`s the job you have taken upon
yourself.
Compliment
In general, if one side is not interested, there are at least
certain positive things a person can convey to the rejected
party. Meaning, even if there is a justifiable motive to tell
the shadchan certain negative impressions, usually at
the same time, there is something positive about the other
person!
Obviously, the shadchan has to act with tact and not
convey everything that caused the rejection. Even if there is
a good intention in the criticism, one should think twice
before expressing it. I heard from many Rabbonim that this
generation suffers from low self esteem.
Let's say Shlomo finds it hard to be punctual. It usually
upsets the girls he meets. If you would tell him directly, he
would feel upset that the girls complained about him. When
you suggest a shidduch to him, you can tactfully give
general shidduchim instructions. You can suggest,
incidentally, that girls appreciate when a boy is on time.
Or take the example of a girl who is extremely reserved on
dates, waiting for the boy to do most of the talking. You can
try to ask, after the date, what they spoke about. Who spoke
most of the time? Explain that both have to come up with
conversation topics, even to prepare them in advance. And
when asked a question, it is advisable to elaborate on the
answer in order to make dialogue flow. That way you are
adding the tips as a side point in the phone call, rather
than making a big deal out of it. She might feel less
pressured and more likely to take your hints into
consideration than if you had put her on the spot. On the
other hand, if the nature of the relationship is different
and she would like more direct feedback, you can be candid,
without forgetting that even then, you still need to express
your concern with sensitivity.
I personally don't think there is anything wrong with
prefacing a "no" with a compliment. It is certainly a way to
encourage and to generate hope. Every person likes to know
that they have what it takes to succeed. Although that match
fell through, they are still held in high esteem and match-
worthy . . .
At the same time, try to convey the message in the least
hurtful way. Many years ago, Atarah was so involved in a
shidduch that she said that if he would say no . . .
In the end that's precisely what he did. I was worried about
how to convey the message. I spoke to Atarah's cousin and she
couldn't believe how both were so not in tune — that
here she was ready to marry him, while he was so positive
that it was unsuitable! We decided to break the news to her
slowly and gently. At first, I told her that he needed time
to think. Then I had to "drop the bomb." She was very upset
and thought he was making a big mistake . . .
Atarah wanted to know why, and I really couldn't reveal to
her all that he said. So I softened it up and said only
certain points that had nothing to do with any shortcomings,
but more of the nature of "different backgrounds," "coming
from different cultures." She still couldn't accept it and
pressed me to "push it." I knew that in this case it was
useless — it was a decision well thought out; moreover,
he had been advised not to pursue it. Finally a week later,
she expressed that she was coming to terms with it.
In a different shidduch, the young man seemed close to
asking her for a commitment. But after his family met her,
they influenced him to break up. I couldn't tell her what I
knew. She was so devastated that she cried to me on the
phone. There wasn't much I could say. Soon after, he traveled
abroad and met his zivug and she also met hers!
Blaming the Shadchan
It is easy for the shadchan to be blamed. "How could
she dare suggest that `schlemiel' to me? What does she think
of me?"
Basically I work with the human element. However, due to the
touchiness of the delicate subject at hand, when they are
frustrated and annoyed, the poor shadchan is the one
in closest vicinity and they will choose to vent their
frustration and bitterness upon her . . .
Don't let emotional outbursts keep you from persevering. When
it comes to shidduchim, I have seen the most balanced
people lose their cool. If you want to help them, keep in
mind that you might have to deal with a great amount of
emotional baggage thrown at you at the slightest move!
Along the way you will meet characters whom you don't feel
you can help. That's OK; you don't have to marry off
everybody. The parameters of chesed are to do what you
can, you are not expected to do more than that. The Blessed
Creator has many other tools to accomplish His will.
Reward for a Mitzvah
Even when you are not the emissary for the right one, there
is a lot you can do. I once called a certain shadchan
about a girl. I called to "network" — if I didn't have
anyone for her, maybe she could help. She said that she
wished she had an offer for her, but if she didn't; what else
could she do? I suggested that if she cared and could make
the time, she should try, like me, to call other
shadchanim who might perhaps be the right
sholiach. She said that she refused to do it —
she would keep praying that only she be that go-between.
Even if she won't get money from shadchanus, shouldn't
she want to be part of the mitzvah of helping someone
find her intended mate?
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success
in helping people through shidduchim. Please note that all
names have been changed unless specified with the exception
of well-known public figures like Gedolim and
educators. Any comments, questions and stories can be sent
to: travisdn@013.net or at (02) 656-3111
