Question:
"I'm what people call an older single. I've tried varied
forms of hishtadlus to find my zivug. My dear
ones stress: "You have to make your hishtadlus, then
trust in Hashem for the rest." I have heard this or something
like it parroted countless times in regard to that fine
balance between leaving things in the hands of Hashem and
putting forth one's own effort.
On the other hand, I've heard in the name of some
Gedolim that the main hishtadlus for
shidduchim is prayer. What does that mean? There is no
end to the prayers composed for finding one's
basheret. At the same time, one can always call more
shadchanim and look for extra segulos. Please,
matchmaker, I'm interested to hear from your experience and
research.
ANSWER:
The sages wrote at length about faith vs. hishtadlus.
We are often faced with this question — if I am
supposed to trust the Almighty anyway, how much practical
effort am I responsible for?
The first and foremost thing to keep in mind is that Hashem
runs the show. So where does effort fit in? How do I know
when I've successfully volunteered my exertion? How do I know
at what point I can say, "It's now out of my hands?"
Most of the following explanations were based on the sefer
Kaveh El Hashem by Harav Yitzchok Kaufman,
Shlita:
Destiny and Spiritual Development
Although a person can't control the outcome of his destiny,
this does not mean that he has no connection to what happens.
There are three primary aspects involved in deciding the
course of one's life. The first is the force known as
mazal, loosely translated as destiny, which
establishes one's general fortune. That is basically
determined through Divine specifications above our limited
understanding. However, the two other factors are more
closely related to our religious service: the balance of
one's observance doing mitzvos versus transgressions
and our level of faith in Hashem.
When it comes to implementing the Creator's Will and avoiding
that which He prohibits, a person must try to do everything
that is in his power. The recompense for this mode of
behavior is that one is rewarded with the fulfillment of his
personal needs as by making our will His Will in order that
He should make His will our will.
By admitting that we don't have the ultimate control, we make
the statement that only the Creator knows what is best. This
basic belief was implied in the teaching from Chazal:
"Believe in Hashem and do good." Faith can hold back Divine
retribution, but unless one backs up his trust with
commandments, his faith will not help him.
Every facet of a Jew's life is governed by the supernatural,
or the metaphysical. This principle is so fundamental, that
someone who attributes well-being or failure to "natural law"
is considered to have estranged himself from the Torah. The
proper outlook is that an individual's destiny is contingent
solely on one's commitment to Torah.
Obviously, the very reality and substance of our belief
should be striving to become closer to the Creator.
Consequently, spiritual achievements bring the privilege of a
more elevated hierarchy of celestial intervention. Therefore,
we became bound to higher standard of natural rulings and
protection. In certain matters, we are all identical, and
therefore we were all given the same instructions to follow,
but in other ways we are quite different. The Ramchal and the
Vilna Gaon wrote that we were sent to the world chiefly to
perfect our characters. Providence arranges the circumstances
of our individual lives so as to insure that each of us is
confronted by the situations required to perfect our own
particular character. What that necessity compels us to do
are what we actually need to get done anyway in order to work
on our characters. Certainly, "l'fum tzaara agra"
— "according to the effort is the reward." This means
that whatever hard work you make to perform a commandment is
rewarded. Even if it seems like you'll never accomplish your
goal, you can't lose by trying. And you never know... the
Almighty might make a miracle to help you accomplish what
seems impossible.
Practical Applications
Even though the matter is spiritual, you have to be down-to-
earth. With all theory and philosophy set aside, you have to
figure out how it applies to your particular circumstances.
Besides the fact that each person is holding by a certain
level, they also have a unique combination of background and
personality makeup. The human spirit is endowed with
capabilities beyond what most of us would believe possible.
You might hear well-intentioned advice such as, "Do whatever
amount you can." If I really focus on whatever area it may
be, that is really close to limitless. A more levelheaded
approach is, "Do whatever amount you can within
reason."
My husband once spoke with the gedolim about this
issue, and they told him an interesting guideline. They said
to "do as much as you think is necessary."
However, in order for this to work, a person has to be
extremely honest with himself. At times, one might fool
himself into thinking that he is on a higher level of
bitochon than he really is. A person should consult
with his mentors for guidance in deciding this question.
Define "within reason" as it applies to your personal
situation, for in spiritual areas, every individual is
different, with distinctive capabilities. To say, "follow the
yellow brick road" is to sell oneself short if his
capabilities exceed the average, and can potentially ruin him
if he tries to exceed his limits to meet an unattainable
average.
Life requires us to come up with sensible ways to accomplish
goals. Work within the system, making a reasonable attempts.
For example, I heard from a godol that adding lots of
prayers for one might be inspiring, but for another, might be
too taxing. You have to figure out what you can do. Don't let
anyone frighten or confuse you into believing that finding
your match depends on this or that matchmaker, or on some
particular location, or on your acting in a specific fashion.
Some have a very hard time keeping in touch with
shadchonim, either because they had bad experiences,
shyness, embarrassment or all of them together. But at least,
whomever you do approach should be reliable and have access
to suitable suggestions. You can always keep in mind the need
to broaden your list of contacts of caring acquaintances that
might for one reason or another not have been forthcoming
with significant assistance, but could potentially be
helpful.
Keep a pulse on your Divine Service so as not to lose
perspective that the ways of the Torah are pleasant. Whatever
you do, either in the realm of hishtadlus or character
development, should be as much as possible with a happy
heart. A positive attitude is refreshing and will propel you
forward even when it's hard to visualize the light at the end
of the tunnel.
Trust Helps Even When We Are Not Worthy
Even if one's actions do not merit that he should receive
Divine assistance, trusting in Hashem can itself earn one's
redemption. For at times, lack of faith is the root of ill
fortune, and renewing trust is the key to turning the tables
for the better. Both R' Akiva and Nachum Ish Gam Zu were
saved from much travail only as a result of their unshaken
belief in Hashem. Tehillim: "Israel trusts in G-d; He will
provide help and protection. The House of Aharon trusts in G-
d; He will provide help and protection. Those who fear G-d
will trust Him; He will provide help and protection." Even
when you practice hishtadlus, focus on the fact that
the deliverance is only coming directly from the Only One Who
can truly help. For real trust is that even when you do see
your hand in the situation, you realize you have no ultimate
control; you know deep down that Hashem is the Orchestrator.
As we learn from the wise: "We try, and Hashem does."
How can we check if we really trust in the Creator, or if we
are fooling ourselves in believing so? If, in times of need,
the first place we turn is towards the heavens with earnest
prayer, we can be sure that our belief is well
established.
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success
in helping people through shidduchim. Please note that
all names have been changed unless specified with the
exception of well-known public figures like Gedolim
and educators. Any comments, questions and stories can be
sent to: dytravis@013.net.il or at (02) 656-3111
