Nobody is perfect, yet none of us likes to be criticized or
censured, in any way. The people most likely to disparage us
are the ones who know us best, i.e. our nearest and dearest,
the family whom we love. However, the criticism is frequently
levelled at an inopportune moment, or in an abrasive way, and
the person on the receiving end is not grateful.
Miriam Adahan advises her clients to say, "Thank you for
helping me to work on my middos," when they feel that
someone is denigrating them. The theory is sound, but then
most people are not completely in control of their feelings.
If a person can control his emotions and the immediate
instinct to retort with a sharp answer, he might benefit from
the criticism.
There is usually more than a grain of truth in the words
newlyweds use when they criticize each other. They would
avoid much heartache and many hurt feelings if they would
learn how to word their criticism, and when to voice it.
There are many classes and workshops which help people to
avoid the obvious pitfalls. If partners sincerely like each
other, and want to make a success of their marriage, they
will learn how to criticize, and how to accept the
criticism!
Censure voiced in anger, and in extremes e.g. "You always . .
. " is unpalatable, and even if we restrain ourselves, and do
not answer, we are annoyed. Our natural instinct is to defend
ourselves, and also to argue: Who does our critic think
s/he is? He is no better than I am. The second reaction
we have is to fling the criticism straight back at the
critic: "Physician, first heal yourself." When we are less
irritated, and have time to reflect on the criticism, we
might realize that actually, there is some sense in what he
said; I could really make use of that idea and it would help
me.
There are several ways of receiving criticism. We discussed
the first method of not answering, of keeping calm. The
second stratagem is to remember that some people are always
finding fault. When up against the chronic fault-finder,
especially a member of the family, you have to realize that
this person probably has an inferiority complex.
State your own opinion, but without animosity. Do not get
caught into the trap of counter attack, but neither do you
have to put up with constant verbal abuse. If it is at work,
and is really getting under your skin, the boss, who has till
now belittled any suggestions on your part, might begin to
respect you for voicing your opinion firmly. One can smile
and switch off with such a person and then either make use of
some of the criticism, if it is constructive, or simply
forget it. The critic will find the next victim and will
forget it anyway, till the next time you cross his path.
Then there is the idea of "asking for more," in the positive
aspect. Show a genuine interest in the other person's
opinion, even if you are rather resenting it. Keep eye
contact, thus showing that you are not cowed by the
criticism, but would really like to understand the other
one's opinion; it keeps the conversation calm and on an adult
level. When the tirade ceases for a moment, just say calmly,
"Please tell me more; I'm listening." In fact, by turning it
into a conversation, you might really learn something
important to you, although it was imparted in rather an
unpleasant manner.
There is no excuse for mockery and derision when trying to
improve a person. On the other hand, as shown, criticism is a
useful instructor. Thus a person is entitled to say, "I do
not like the way you speak to me." Nevertheless, although it
is very difficult to work on ourselves, once we have heard
the complaint, we have to take notice. A confident person
might be able to say, "I think you are right, but it would
have been kinder if you had phrased it in a different way."
Another example, "You may well be right, but I find it
difficult to accept criticism which is said so
antagonistically." After having stated our point of view, if
we can overcome our natural aversion to being censured, we
will realize that our critic is really just passing on a
message from all our friends; he is showing us the way to
self-improvement.
So far, we have discussed ways of reacting to criticism. How
are we to impart criticism for it to be most effective?
Firstly, there are some cases when we should not even think
of criticizing. Mothers- and daughters-in-law for example. If
your daughter-in-law is the untidiest creature on earth, it
will not make any difference for the better if you mention it
to her. Nor will she be grateful if you begin to tidy the
house for her. Phone before you visit, and compliment her on
whatever you can, and keep your eyes down! You will even have
to control your body language!
Teenage children are also allergic to criticism and although
it is our responsibility to guide them and help them, silence
is often more useful than speech. A written note with the
complaint couched between words of approbation, is also a
more useful tool than criticism at this age. With younger
children, one can use constructive criticism very easily. "I
do like to see a nice tidy playroom before you come to
supper. Can you manage in five minutes?" will work just as
well as "Look at this horrible mess! You know how I hate to
see it like this."
On a personal note: as a young teacher in my first job, a
teacher on the staff, very much my senior, was constantly
finding fault with me. I did not thank her for her
unsolicited advice, nor did it help me to "work on my
middos." In fact, she often reduced me to tears. With
hindsight, my handling of children and my teaching skills
improved greatly as a direct result of her criticism! I used
to discuss her remarks with another member of staff, who
showed me how to utilize her unwanted observations, after
first smoothing my ruffled feathers. I was not experienced
enough at the time, nor did I have the self-confidence, to
"ask for more," as suggested above.
One twelve-year-old girl once wrote a short story for me,
that her mother had had a new baby, and she and her five
siblings had decided to paint the bathroom the day she went
into the hospital as a surprise for her. She described how
there was paint everywhere, in every part of the house, and
on all the clothes, and that there was no way they were able
to clean it up, even with their father's help, before the
mother came home with the new baby. She ended the story,
"Daddy went to fetch Mommy from the hospital, and she came
into the house, carrying the new baby. We wondered if she
would be cross when she saw the mess, but she looked around
and smiled at us happily, saying, 'You did a good job.' "
I have not met this girl for over half a century, but feel
sure that with a non-judgmental mother like that, she grew up
to be the same, seeing only the good in people, and making
them feel good. Some children have excellent social skills
from a very early age and know how to communicate with their
peers and with adults, making everyone around them feel good.
Others, perfectly normal children, have to learn what to say
and how to say it and what not to say. They mature and grow
up to be popular people, less popular ones, and some who are
thoroughly unpopular.
The first group are those who do not see faults in other
people. If they are in a position of authority, they may be
aware of some shortcoming, or imperfection in their
subordinate's work, but they will formulate their criticism
in such a way, that the employee will not realize that s/he
is being corrected.
Those of us who are inclined to be critical and to see faults
in others, are never too old to change. Unless we have a
decided personality disorder, if we are inclined to put the
world to rights, we can begin to curb our natural instincts
at any age. We may not be able to restrain all our thought
processes, but we can definitely prevent them from passing
our lips.
