Part II
"They contribute, they participate, they do, they bring
up, they help . . . "
Who are they?
That's how Hadassa (an alias) describes children of families
blessed with many children. Our generation has merited a real
blessing, a blessing of children, where families with
fourteen or eighteen children are not rare. How do children
in such families feel? How do they give and receive? What
experiences do they have, what memories do they cherish and
how do the parents fit into the picture?
A picture of blessing.
Tell us about happy shared events.
Hadassah: "We make every event something joyous for everyone.
When my husband finished mishnayos, we made a special
feast at home for all the children. Every holiday by us is a
shared simchah. We do everything together, whether
it's Succos or Purim or Pesach. Pesach is an especially happy
holiday for us. Everyone helps and cleans. We take down the
Pesach dishes together. We wait for this moment. Everything
depends on your approach and how you look at it. A mother who
is always complaining how difficult it is for her, transmits
this to the children. But if I prepare for the festival
joyfully, the joy is contagious."
Rochy, a daughter in a large family who is now the mother of
many children, tells us about happy and funny moments:
"During summer vacation we would go to a holiday apartment on
a high floor in a building with an elevator. When we went
into the elevator, we would check if everyone was accounted
for. Again and again we would ask, `Is everyone here? Are you
sure everyone's here? It doesn't seem to be so many;
someone's certainly missing. How can it be that everyone's
here if it looks like so few?'
"Everything's relative! In family pictures it looks like a
nice group of people but not a mass of humanity. It doesn't
look like it sounds.
"Our Shabbos table was big and happy. There were always
divrei Torah. There was always the Soloist on Duty who
wanted to sing and got up on a chair and sang to his heart's
content and everyone's pleasure. Everyone talked to everybody
else. Abba always made sure that the little ones sat near him
so that he could hear them and they could be heard. Among the
older ones, whoever wanted to say something knew to raise his
voice or to get closer to Abba and even to sit on him so that
he knew he'd being properly listened to.
"I haven't come across the following personally but my little
sisters say that people ask them: Why do you speak so loudly?
You must come from a very large family.' I guess there's
something in that. A child from a large family has to shout
in order to be heard. But it probably depends on the parents.
When we needed it, there was always someone to listen to
us."
A Fundamental Rule for Happiness — Know How to
Compromise
Rebbezin Chana, a mother of a large family — more than
a minyan and a half — says with a smile: "If the
parents are happy and love their roles, it creates a happy
atmosphere at home. We didn't have a tape recorder or have
music, but happiness was palpable. My mother glowed with
happiness, she didn't need any outside stimulus. Her
happiness was projected to me and I transmit this happiness
to my children. I would say enthusiastically to my children,
`When can we start getting ready for Pesach?' My eagerness is
contagious. They catch it."
Tell about a nice moment in your family.
"I remember one insignificant event which was engraved in my
memory and mainly in my heart. It happened during Shabbos
Sheva Berachos when I married off my tenth daughter. We
were all sitting in the yard: the married daughters, the
single ones, the daughters-in-law and the children.
Grandchildren ran around among us. I was leaning on the fence
surrounding the yard so that I could supervise the children.
Suddenly I looked at everyone and my heart filled with
gratitude and great happiness. I raised my eyes and my heart
heavenward and said, `Ribbono Shel Olam, Thank you! Thank you
for all the beauty and greatness of what I have, what you
have given me!'"
Zissi, the eldest daughter of a large family, today a mother
already, describes the atmosphere in her home: "On the one
hand, there was a lot of joie de vivre, the lightness
and gaiety that children bring into the home. Children
lighten the mood with strength. Their happiness and vitality
make life easier and create a light-hearted atmosphere at
home.
"On the other hand, we have stress in our family. We're
always `erev' something: Erev Shabbos, Erev Chag,
Erev a birth or , Erev simchah. It's the parent's
duty to balance between the help needed from the children and
not weigh them down with responsibilities. My mother always
tried to get outside help during stressful periods but still,
the children themselves developed a sense of responsibility.
I remember a five-year-old sister being sent to the grocery
store on an errand. Suddenly we got a call from the store;
she remembered we were out of mayonnaise, was she allowed to
buy some?
"We laugh every day; we continuously have a reason to laugh.
My parent's home is very happy and we also have a lot of
inside jokes that only we understand. This is `today's news,'
a clever remark by one child or another's saying and then we
all laugh. These are expressions that come out in the most
stressful times, from the chaos, when everyone is tired and
worn out and suddenly someone throws out a word and it's
adopted and everyone repeats it and the atmosphere is
lightened.
"With us, when someone wants to celebrate something, he has
to prepare the celebration himself because it's stressful
enough without it. When I was a child, on my birthday, I
bought myself balloons and prepared a treasure hunt and then
I invited everyone to celebrate with me and we all had a good
time. The secret is the feeling of togetherness and
cooperation. If I enjoy myself, everyone will, so why not
give them a reason to enjoy themselves?"
Happiness — A Healthy Soul
"A basic, primary principle of mine is to spread happiness
through the house, and with the help of Hashem, I have
merited this. It exists in the home atmosphere and the
children will register this even if you don't speak to them
day and night. Everything is dependent on happiness,
especially the emotional health of children." That's how
Leah, the mother of 14, sums up her approach, her calm and
happy voice attesting to this. "This goal directs me to act
in a certain way to realize it."
A large family naturally has stress, difficulties and
tension. How do you create a happy atmosphere?
"I compromise on many things to achieve this end: neatness,
for example. I ignore a mess, just so the children will be
calm and happy. I don't believe in work rotations and
dividing up chores. In my opinion, work rosters turn the
house into an army camp and don't bring happiness, as a rule.
A home is a place where you consider the needs of each child;
therefore, I try to create an atmosphere where everybody
loves the home and of their own volition will want it to run
the way it should. Every daughter who has some free time will
come to me and ask: `Ima, how can I help?' And in the end the
work will get done.
"Not every woman has the nerves and patience for this
approach. Mothers want the house to run smoothly, to see that
everything gets done: one person does the dishes; another one
folds the laundry . . . I believe that if the mother takes
the needs of the children into consideration, they'll be
considerate of her and will take care of the house
themselves."
What helps you run the large household bli ayin
harah with its joys and its difficulties?
First of all, I don't expect myself to be the perfect
housewife. I tell myself: Leah, think about what's really
important to you and focus on that. Of course it's pleasant
if the house is "ship-shape" and the food is on a high level,
but I built my home where my first concern is for my children
to be happy and for each one to feel like an only child.
That's where I place my top priority.
"For example: There was a PTA meeting at my 10-year-old
daughter's school. Now I always feel that I don't get around
to her enough because she's not yet one of the bigger
children, while she's already not one of the little ones. In
the program, each daughter prepared a flower and a personal
letter which was given to her mother. In her letter, my
daughter wrote me, "I feel like I'm your only child." I was
very moved. That's the most important thing to me. To get
such a letter was worth any effort and the principle proved
itself. It's true that my house isn't always neat and doesn't
make an impression. But the feedback that I get from the
children proves that they're growing up emotionally healthy,
calm and content and I think that's the main thing.
"Don't think that it's always easy. Many times, I say to
myself: 'Don't wash the floor right now; instead sit with
this child or that one. Now the children need you. You can do
the necessary housework after they are asleep.' I establish
my own hierarchy of priorities and I always stick to it."
Can you tell us of an event or something the children said
that made you happy and showed you the beauty of a large
family?
"There are phrases that children say without meaning to.
Yesterday the cleaning lady was supposed to come and she
didn't. We were before a trip and I didn't have time to
straighten up the house and certainly not to clean it. By
evening, both sinks were full of dishes, the mountains of
laundry almost reached the ceiling and the floor needed
cleaning. That's how we left the house and went to a family
wedding. When we arrived home late, the children said to one
another: `How good it is to be home! What a pleasant house we
have!' I looked around and said to myself: `If they're happy
to come home to such a mess when they know that the work is
waiting for them alone, it's a sign that they love their home
in any condition.' And this gave me a lot of
reinforcement."
[to be continued]
