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24 Teves 5765 - January 5, 2005 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
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Many Thanks!
by Rosally Saltsman

My mother was a paragon of propriety. I'm not, but there are a few things that I picked up from her anyway, one of them being gratitude. This translates into among other things, sending thank you notes and of course, encouraging my son to do so as well.

So after his Bar Mitzvah, I sat down with my son who sat down with a special pen, the cards I had ordered and the list of presents he had received, and he wrote very heartfelt and lovely cards.

It's now three months later and as often happens, presents are still trickling in. As soon as he gets one, I add it to the list and tell him he needs to write a card. He gets annoyed but not, bless him, for the reason one would think. He says it's awkward to give someone a card only after they've brought a present. What about all the people who came and didn't bring presents? And if they eventually will, will we only thank them once they've brought it? He feels funny trading a card for a present, as if this was some tit for tat deal. Why couldn't we just have thanked everyone who came?

I considered his words and had to admit they made sense. But since it would be awkward to send thank you notes to people who came three months ago, I said we'll adopt the new protocol next time, but for now, keep exchanging thank yous for presents.

With his insight, my son has called into question a tradition that is accepted etiquette but is certainly not Jewish. We should absolutely thank people for bringing presents. We should also thank people who just come to share in our simcha and not wait for them to augment their contribution with a material gift. What does this say for our values? What message does this give our guests - "We only appreciate your coming if you bring something."?

If someone sends a gift but doesn't show up, don't we write in our note that we're sorry they couldn't attend? Why can't we show appreciation for the people who did come? Perhaps others do write these kinds of notes. As I'm meticulous about buying presents on time, I don't know if I would have received a thank you note anyway.

Of course this does demand a bit more effort. We can't rely on gift cards to tell us who was there. Although since photographers usually are quite thorough at photographing the guests, between the cards and the photographs and cross- checking the guest list with whom you remember being there, that should cover everyone. It also prevents people falling through the cracks; those who gave gifts but whose card was misplaced or those who contributed to a gift and weren't written on the card.

So, once again, my son has inspired me to be more politically correct, i.e. more of a mentsch. He has reminded me that people are more important than things. I am very proud of him and I know, that in the Banquet Hall above, my mother is too.

 

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