Dear Editor,
In the issue of 20 Kislev, Tzvia Ehrlich-Klein gave five very
good gift ideas to give to married children. But in so doing,
she addressed what is for some families a sore point.
As she points out, once the children are married, it is
difficult to buy gifts for them. However, please understand
that once you start, it is even more difficult to not
buy gifts for them. Let me explain with a few examples:
Suppose you do give your first married child some occasional
cleaning help and/or babysitters, a dinner out, pizza money
or any of the other suggested treats. The new couple may
initially be very grateful and tell you profusely how much
they appreciate it. However, it would only be human nature
for them to begin to expect more of the same, perhaps on a
regular basis. What is initially a `perk,' usually turns into
a entiitlement. "That's O.K.," you say. "I can certainly
afford a few hundred shekels a year to make my child
happy."
A mother of one married child, is probably somewhere at the
beginning of middle age and both spouses may be working. Fast
forward fifteen or twenty years as you hopefully marry off
your other children. Suppose now you are expected to come up
with `little' surprises at the rate of perhaps seven or eight
times a few hundred, which is several thousand shekels a
year. Not only that — inflation may rear its ugly head
and make the total ten thousand or more shekels each year.
"Ah, but if we have inflation, wages will increase. I'll be
earning more, so what is the problem," you think. The problem
is at some point, people retire and then find themselves on a
pension or other form of fixed income. In addition to the
"little treats," at that time, there will hopefully be Bar
Mitzva gifts and then wedding gifts for the grandchildren, to
say nothing of routine birthday gifts. For many
pensionnaires, even a thousand shekels worth of gifts per
annum is a stretch.
Even if your children are absolutely amazing (like mine) and
do not expect the little treats gravy train to continue,
there can be other glitches along the way. Someone I know had
the following experience. She gave her first two daughters-in-
law candlesticks. Along came Kalla No. Three who said, "Thank
you for the offer, but my grandmother left me her cherished
leichter and I hope to use those."
The mother of the chosson wanted to give the new
kalla something special for her Shabbos table so she
bought her a set of silverplated flatware instead. Soon the
new couple invited the `old-married' siblings to their home
and in due course, showed off the silverware.
When the guests admired the shiny flatware which did look
lovely on the table, the kalla gushed that they were a
gift from Ima and Abba. No explanation about how they were in
place of the candlesticks which the other married siblings
had received. Just the fact.
The story got back to Ima and Abba only after a lot of
jealousy and hard feelings had lain dormant before they were
expressed. To smooth things over, Ima and Abba ended up
buying silverware all around. Not only for the ones whose
feelings had been ruffled but for each new kalla who
came into the family and for each daughter who became a
kalla as well! Naturally, they then had to buy
something for the one who didn't get candlesticks and another
round of gift-giving began. These things can get out of hand
very easily.
Then there is the matter of a gift that looks like a one-time
shot but whoops, watch out! Suppose your child gets married
and moves to Bnei Brak etc. where houses are very close
together and the only time the sun shines on one's postage
stamp-sized porch is at high noon. You are blessed with twin
grandchildren and there is a mountain of baby clothing,
sheets etc. to wash. In an expansive mood, you and your
spouse say, "Dear, go out and get yourself a dryer. We'll pay
for it."
Guess what? Dryers are not considered a luxury for nothing.
First of all, they cost. Then they consume a lot of
electricity. Lastly, note the pun, they don't last. A good
dryer will be history in a few years time, but by then you'll
have gotten the children used to a dryer. And when that goes
kaput, guess who will be expected to replace it!
Of course, it can also happen that the siblings who don't
have twin babies will come to expect dryers too, so you could
become a cherished member of the dryer company's supporters
as you buy one after the other...
And speaking of extended families, here is another `gift'
occasion that can get out of hand. Suppose someone is
marrying off their second child. Savta thinks it is really
cute for the two-year-old granddaugther and her nine-month-
old sister to come to the wedding dressed alike.
So you buy the little darlings matching black velvet dresses
with matching patent leather shoes and fancy hair ornaments
(or treat them to a hairdresser) as well. Please understand
that when the youngest child gets married, you may be
expected to dress up several dozen grandchildren. If you
don't think you will be ready for that, stop right now and
let your first two grandchildren come to their aunt's wedding
in whatever Shabbos clothes are already in their closet.
One last example of the gift/treat/perk spiral is also
related to weddings. Sometimes I think that if the airlines
were smart, they would open up a shidduch bureau. We
marry off Child No. Two and, of course, we buy airline
tickets for Child No. One, the spouse and the children to
attend the wedding. When the next child gets married, these
and more children or grandchildren will be gifted with
tickets.
One of my friends is a very wise woman. She, her husband and
the youngest set of their children made aliya after their
oldest children were already married and settled in the
States. Now she is in the process of marrying off the
`Israeli' family. One of the girls is a kalla.
My friend's husband actually wanted to go to a gemach
and borrow yet another four thousand dollars to bring one of
the American sons and his family to the wedding, but my
friend was against it. She had the courage to tell her son
that they would be able to send him one plane ticket to come
to his sister's wedding but, regretfully, they could not
afford to buy tickets for his wife and children.
It came as a shock. This son and his wife had been planning
their trip to Israel ever since the engagement had been
announced, and it was hard to have their hopes suddenly
dashed. All of their friends had left kollel for a week or
more for the wedding and sheva brochos of every
sibling on both sides, flying here, there and everywhere to
participate. They took it for granted that there would be a
whole folder of tickets in the mail. But it would have been a
major burden for his parents and so it didn't happen.
Yes, it is a pleasure to treat married children to one of the
occasional small gifts which Mrs. Erlich-Klein proposes, but,
please, let's keep everything in perspective and look ahead
to the consequences of each of our splurges.
Sincerely,
Bayla Gimmel
[And another letter from a reader]
What timing! Just when I was agonizing about what to do about
a group of American boys who are determined to set off on a
self-designed Chanuka trip under less-than-carefully-planned
conditions, I wanted to unwind with the YATED. And then I
read, "A True Tale of Ascent."
Is this what you are recommending to your readers? 1) Taking
the baby despite the experienced rescue team's warning? 2)
Climbing down a steep hill with a baby in a back pack, near a
cliff's edge? 3) Children who are "too tired" might not be
careful enough, or rush. 4) The bochurim are to be
encouraged to shlep this heavy handicapped young man down
this steep trail? There is no more appropriate way to give
him a good time?
Are you sure they were motivated by "awesome love" without
any twinge of risk taking, thrill seeking? How many tragedies
occur each bein hazemanim! There are safer excursions
for such groups.
[Ed. Some of the answers to the comments have already been
answered in that article.]
